Why does everyone say I have to set limits, but no one tells me how, or why it is so important? They also didn’t warn me that by setting limits I was going to feel super guilty. We are going to understand -the limits- as the moment in which my body tells me that it is enough, for example: when I have eaten and I feel full I must listen to myself, I stop because my body tells me enough is enough, you already have what you need.
However, if I have trouble finding my own limits I am likely to eat more than I really need, or sometimes even less. My body can also tell me it’s time to stop working, but if I’m having trouble identifying my limits, I’ll probably just go ahead and finish that report by 10 pm.
I don’t know how to set limits: why does this happen to me?
You have difficulty setting limits when you are in a bad relationship and can’t leave, when your boyfriend’s parents want to do everything for him, even if that includes continually getting involved in the relationship, or when the process of raising your child becomes a challenge. family topic where everyone thinks they can talk and comment; The point is that all this happens because others know that they can do it and it is because your actions show that there is no room to relate to you.
This is probably where the question comes in: why does this happen to me? The answers always lie in the first years of life, in childhood and in the type of relationship you had with your family or caregivers Let’s review what could have happened. I am going to tell you some situations that affect the absence of limits.
1. Childhood abuse
If you were a victim of abuse by your caregivers, both physical and verbal, you probably have problems establishing limits since bad words in childhood, although they do not generate physical contact, can break the natural barrier that that child had and that no longer exists. knows how to put, the same happens with all forms of abuse: sexual, psychological, etc.
2. Living with guilt
The blame. You know that many parents are experts at instilling guilt in their children, some do it consciously, others do not realize the damage they can cause, when I talk about guilt I mean that they lead the child or adolescent to do what they want by placing themselves in a role of victims, They basically negotiate love through dialogue, which makes the child understand that if he wants to feel loved, he can only access affection through his own cancellation If as a child you had this way of relating with parents or caregivers, you surely have it now with friends or a partner.
3. An unstable family
You come from an amalgamated family, as the name indicates, it means that you grew up in a family where they are fused, it is not very clear who occupies what role or activity, family relationships are supremely strong to the detriment of individual maturation and autonomy of its members, They are families where everyone has a hand in everyone’s life, comments are made on other people’s decisions and everything that happens within the family is forgiven for the simple fact that they are family members Well… almost everything, because for these families the worst betrayal has to do with the establishment of limits, saying that you are not going to go to the baptism of the new nephew is considered an atrocious failure to the dynamics that move that family or system, since You can imagine that growing up in this type of family, and when you have several faces judging your behavior or expecting very specific things from you, it becomes very difficult to say no.
I have told you three situations that can influence the absence of limits, however, it is almost certain that in a therapeutic process we can find other experiences that affect this ability to take control of your life. Remember that we build through knowledge and there are many spaces about us that we do not know, do not want to see, or are not ready to accept, so take some time to digest the experiences I mentioned and think about your own story.
