Problems finding a partner are a relatively common form of discomfort in adults, and can even facilitate the appearance of significant psychological problems. That is why many of the people who go to psychotherapy do so with a very specific complaint: “I don’t understand why I can’t find a partner and that makes me feel very bad.”
However, these types of difficulties are multi-causal and complex, given that there are a wide variety of reasons why it can be difficult to connect with someone.
In this article we will make a brief review of the most frequent reasons why this apparent inability to find a partner appears both in terms of the way we interact with others and in terms of managing emotions and expectations.
Why can’t I find a partner? Possible causes of the problem
As I mentioned, problems finding a stable partner are part of the most frequent complaints of those who decide to go to a psychologist (regardless of whether they have developed a disorder or not). In therapy they learn, among other things, that behind a form of discomfort that is apparently well defined, is homogeneous and can be easily expressed with “I can’t find a partner,” There are several fronts to learn and improve, and many of them do not even have to do with developing charisma or the ability to seduce
And in order to overcome this type of difficulties, the first thing is to become aware of the different triggering causes behind them, without falling into simplistic analyzes such as “I am incapable of making anyone like me” or “with my physique it is normal that fail in love.”
In this sense, although the best thing in these cases is by far to go to the psychologist (because in this way a professional analyzes our case in a personalized way and adapted to our characteristics and needs), here We will review several possible causes of difficulties in finding a partner
1. Problems in communication skills
When thinking about problems when finding a partner, we normally tend to default to this type of cause: a lack of communication skills.
Although in this aspect there are several “fronts” that can be worked on, three of them are worth highlighting.
1.1. Lack of assertiveness
This is reflected above all in the tendency to take a passive role in conversations, of simply responding to what the other says, without wanting to contribute. It usually occurs in people with a lack of self-esteem or who believe that they do not have interesting ideas to contribute to a conversation, and also in those who fear upsetting the interlocutor.
1.2. Lack of listening skills
It is not enough to remain silent when the other person speaks: it is also important to know how to pay attention to what they say and show that you are paying attention, incorporating elements of what that person has said into our own speech.
1.3. Misuse of non-verbal language
Non-verbal communication is very important, especially in contexts in which we want to show our personality to someone who knows little about us. it implies controlling certain movement patterns when interacting with someone.
2. Problems in emotional management skills
When thinking about the problems when finding a partner, we normally tend to think by default both about the causes in the previous section and about these that refer to the management of emotions when meeting people. Combined, these two shape what we know as social skills
Regarding this section, poor management of emotions when establishing the first contact with someone we like or are interested in as a potential partner can give rise to the following problems.
2.1. Excess nerves and anxiety
The fear of not making a good first impression It causes some people to get carried away with their nerves, focusing more on their own gestures and words than on the flow of the interaction itself.
2.2. Fear to fail
Some people are confident when meeting people, but They do not dare to take the step of showing interest in the other person so as not to expose themselves to the possibility of rejection This makes them much less likely to enter into relationships based on intimacy, because they do not show signs of wanting to commit.
3. Problems in managing expectations
Finally, it should be noted that poor management of one’s expectations also makes the task of finding a partner very difficult. This can occur, for example, assuming a totally unreal ideal of a boyfriend or girlfriend or being more concerned with family interests or social prestige than with one’s own happiness and tastes.
Are you looking for professional psychological support?
If you want psychological assistance to improve your communication or social skills, or those skills related to emotional management, I invite you to contact me I am a psychologist specialized in the cognitive-behavioral model, and I serve adults and adolescents both in Madrid and remotely through the online modality by video call.
