Normally, when we talk about the world of relationships, it is common to focus our attention on how complicated social interactions themselves are, that is, what happens around us while we create a bond with someone: the mistakes when trying to seducing, misunderstandings when establishing a commitment and future plans together, managing discussions and coexistence in general, etc.
It is true that these “external” aspects of ourselves can be very interesting and are usually of great importance for our emotional well-being; However, it is also true that courtships and marriages also make us face other types of challenges, which this time are more “internal” or, rather, intrapersonal. And what we experience in relationships leads us to have one vision or another about ourselves, our “I”. In other words, these relationships tell us about our identity, and depending on how we interpret them and the conclusions we draw when analyzing and reflecting on them, we will enjoy more or less mental health in the short and long term.
For example, there are many who often ask themselves: “Why do I always end up with toxic partners?” Addressing these types of questions is not easy, and in most cases it is a delicate issue.
Are there behavioral patterns when choosing a partner?
The short answer to this initial question is that yes, it is possible to detect certain general behavioral patterns among the population regarding the search for a partner. For example, it has been observed that there is a general tendency to look for people with personality traits similar to one’s own, and with a lifestyle compatible with one’s own; The idea that “opposites attract” is a myth.
However, when the objective is to explain the motivations that lead a specific individual to select a certain type of people as potential partners, things become complicated; In these situations, it is necessary to analyze each case, normally in the context of psychological therapy (if this is necessary). Therefore, in this article we will always talk about general patterns of behavior, what is most frequently found in the world of typical couple relationships in Western culture countries. This means that, ultimately, to fully understand what leads each of us to start dating certain types of people, it is necessary to have individualized psychological assistance.
Why do I always have relationships with toxic people?
As a general rule, there are a series of psychosocial elements that usually help explain why there are those who fall again and again into toxic relationships. However, it is important not to forget that These psychological aspects do not imply that “the fault” of going through these experiences lies with oneself for not knowing how to choose better ; For example, in situations in which there is a dynamic of domination and unidirectional abuse (something that goes beyond the ambiguous label of “toxic relationships”), the victim is neither to blame for what happens to them nor is they responsible for the actions of the person who attacks her. And in fact, a good part of the causes that we will see here are not even the consequence of the actions or mentality of a specific person.
1. Know very few people
Having little ability to meet people beyond a fairly restricted social circle is something that facilitates the emergence of dependency dynamics. Since there are hardly any potential people with whom to maintain a relationship (for example, living in a small town and without having a private vehicle), there are those who take advantage of it and They appear more accessible to those who will apparently adopt a role of submission and conformity
Although it may seem paradoxical, highly idealizing the concept of romantic love can lead to having relationships that are a real ordeal, mainly because it contributes to seeing extreme jealousy as normal.
We must not forget that the myth of the better half makes us think of our partner as another component of ourselves, as if he belonged to us and it was legal to try to control him without limits. Besides, makes certain behaviors that should be “red flags” positively valued , such as showing aggression at the idea of ​​going out partying with our friends and without our boyfriend or girlfriend. And that makes us more likely to notice the most aggressive and insecure people.
3. Living in a socioeconomic context with marginality
People who live immersed in social circles linked to precariousness and marginality are also more likely to chain one toxic relationship after another. The reason is that in this type of context linked to crime, a reputation system operates that encourages a portion of these people to behave in a toxic way so that others do not lose respect for them.
4. Have very low self-esteem
Extremely low self-esteem can easily lead to falling into psychological manipulation strategies of toxic people. In cases like this, something as simple as drawing the attention of someone who usually appears hostile or angry can be interpreted as a sign that there is hope to live an exciting love relationship, something that generates the feeling of being faced with an opportunity that cannot be wasted
Furthermore, in many cases, these self-esteem problems can be enhanced or facilitated by underlying psychological disorders, such as an addiction or trauma, and this makes it even easier for the person who has carried out the manipulation strategy. adapt an absolute leadership role in the relationship.
5. The fact of having gone through a toxic relationship
Although this does not mean that people who have been through a toxic relationship are destined to not be able to have healthy loving relationships, it is true that in general there is a certain predisposition to look for partners similar to the previous ones. It’s as if couple models that are something “new” were something too complicated to understand and how easy it would be to have a dynamic of coexistence again like the one that has already been had in the past.
