Why Do I Feel Guilty About Everything And How To Stop Doing It?
The number of people who come to consultation with a great feeling of guilt is overwhelming, which, sometimes, they are not even aware of
This is a self-generated emotion, based on the internal beliefs we have about what is right and what is wrong, comparing what we have done with what we should have done according to our scale of values. But where does all this come from?
We start from the basis that All emotions are adaptive and fulfill a function within us When guilt is functional, it helps us recognize our mistakes and repair them, and carry out learning work, being able to not commit them again in the future.
For this process to work, There is what is called moral conscience : it is a set of norms and values that we have been assuming and internalizing since we were children, in order to have an ethic that guides us, differentiating what is right from what is wrong, to be able to impose limits on our behavior and our way of thinking, and in those of others.
We learn all this through education in the family, at school, in religious beliefs, in the messages that reach us through the media… and the people around us become models for us. we
But how do we know if this moral conscience is too rigid and is harming us? When we often feel that we exceed these limits and live with guilt almost daily, we may need to make our moral conscience more flexible
The problem is that, in this trial, we ourselves are lawyers, judges and defendants; and in these circumstances, we can hardly ensure conditions that guarantee the objectivity of the “guilty ruling”, which is why we punish ourselves without control and without measure.
Thus, this guilt requires three main factors to take place:
The habitual or permanent feeling of guilt may be affecting our self-esteem since we tend to distort reality, have a limiting and exhausting self-dialogue, and build a negative self-concept.
When talking about guilt, we are very close to concepts such as self-esteem, perfectionism, lack of self-confidence, self-censorship, fear, assertiveness, emotional regulation… Thus, Guilt is directly related to most of the most common emotional problems in our society being difficult, on many occasions, to identify the cause or consequence between them, since a vicious circle is established in the relationship between the two.
Examples
Let’s look at some examples of this phenomenon.
“I consider myself a good mother, because I am always there if my son needs me: I take care of him, I play with him, I do the housework for him… But, one day, I feel sick and, obviously, I can’t do everything I normally do: I need to stay in bed and rest. Then, I start to think that I’m a bad mother, because I’m neglecting him, it’s my obligation to be there for him.
In this case, by interpreting this situation in this way, the person will feel anguish, frustration and guilt But do you think it is fair or correct?
“I have a partner, and I am always making plans with him, having practically left other people aside. One day, my friends propose a plan that I have been wanting to do with them for a long time, and of course, I sign up. Immediately, I start to think that I’m a bad girlfriend for abandoning my partner.
In this case, the person will also feel guilty. Do you think he is healthy, or adjusted to reality?
How can we stop feeling so guilty about everything?
Of course, many other beliefs come into play that need to be worked on, but The key is to differentiate responsibility from guilt
If we take responsibility for our actions and accept our limitations and everything that we do not have under our control, we can adapt based on learning from our experience, and changing what is best for us and others:
In conclusion, Guilt depends on a part of us on which we can work and act ; We can learn strategies to free ourselves from maladaptive guilt, allowing ourselves to be responsible people.
This is something that many people have been requesting in therapy, so if you need help or have any questions regarding this topic and/or any other, do not hesitate to contact us, as we will be happy to help. help you.
