“Why do I like to suffer” is a very recurring thought in every person’s mind. It is something normal, typical of people without any problem. Suffering is something that seduces us, that even becomes addictive and, although it may seem unnecessary, we attribute some usefulness to it based on our sociocultural context.
There are those who suffer as a way to get the attention of others, others to show how hard they are trying, and there are also those who do not want to feel discomfort, but are not able to escape from it.
Today Let’s explore the complex question of why people sometimes seem to like to suffer. , despite how obviously unpleasant it is. Let’s go there!
People are supposed to try to avoid emotional discomfort. Psychological suffering is something that, in theory, causes us aversion, pushing us to distance ourselves from it. It seems that adaptively it would make sense that, when we go through a bad streak, we try to do everything possible to get out of it because, if not, what is the point of suffering if it is not to wake up and find a solution to it?
But reality is very different from what reason tells us. More than one of you will have said to yourself “why do I like to suffer”, in the sense that sometimes You think too much about something that you can’t do anything to change or you remember over and over again something bad that happened to you in the past , something that, although it was already overcome at the time, is still alive in his mind. The individual remembers again in a clear example of emotional masochism, becoming frustrated and feeling the same negative emotions that he felt then.
As surprising as it may seem, we all “like” to suffer. Our human nature pushes us on more than one occasion to think more about the bad than the good that has happened in our lives, largely due to the famous negativity bias.
We will hardly find anyone who has had only good things or only bad things happen to them, because life is a roller coaster and there are always prettier moments and uglier ones, but unfortunately for us the latter overshadow the latter, they steal the spotlight and Therefore we are trapped in a maelstrom of negativity.
It also happens that If we don’t have problems, our mind makes sure to find one. Let’s think about a person from the first world who is lucky enough to have everything: electricity, hot water, food, work, social security… all their needs are met, there is nothing to worry about…
Well, our mind will make sure to make us completely ignore everything that many people in developing countries crave and think about little things that are not serious, but that will become so in our mind.
Stopping suffering is easier than we think
It has been seen that, in people without psychopathology, the secrets of happiness are not so secret. Scientific research, together with a certain amount of common sense, has paved the way for what people should do to be happy. Yes, it sounds easier than it is and certainly things are not that simple, but There are many daily habits that we could introduce into our daily lives that would greatly improve our way of relating to others and to ourselves. but we don’t do them.
The secret is that happiness will remain a secret for you if your head is where it shouldn’t be, which is the past, and you don’t think about the present. If you are going to think about the past, at least think about the good, but this requires a very intense cognitive effort because fighting against negativity bias and rumination is complicated. But the truth is that if you do not let go of what has already happened, you will not stop suffering, an idea that is practically common sense but most of us mortals do not seem to be able to apply.
There are many studies that show that there are many cheap and affordable behavioral strategies that direct us towards greater enjoyment of life, more inner peace, more happiness and greater psychological well-being, such as regular exercise, meditation, conscious breathing and many more.
For example, exercise has been shown to release chemicals in our brain, the famous endorphins, which contribute to entering a state of physical and emotional well-being. But despite all this, the majority of the population still does not practice sports regularly. They know how good sports are for their health, and that they would surely feel better doing it, but they don’t do it.
We have another case in the various forms of meditation. Although they are not a panacea, there are many studies that point out the benefits that regular practice of this type of techniques has for our mental health, which have even been seen to be almost as effective as certain antidepressants in helping to alleviate symptoms. depressive Meditation gives us calm and inner peace but, despite this, almost no one meditates or does yoga.
We have a classic example of this peculiar taste for suffering in rumination. This psychological phenomenon consists of us focusing our attention on something and not being able to detach ourselves, usually from a negative idea or memory. The constant memory of that negative thought causes us stress and discomfort, but, Even though we consciously and rationally know that to feel better we should stop thinking about it, we are incapable of cutting our losses and stopping the loop.
It is a quite paradoxical situation because, although thought is something dynamic that constantly changes, when this phenomenon manifests itself it becomes a static process, locked in an almost infinite loop.
An idea comes to mind, it makes us uncomfortable, we develop new thoughts associated with it, we think about that idea again and we aggravate the discomfort even more. Our thinking adopts an automated and repetitive pattern, making all the ideas that come to mind related to the main problem idea.
Rumination is a clear example of a phenomenon that shows that we like to suffer because, with it, it is evident that we look for anything to remind us of the thought that causes us discomfort. Consequently, Not only do we feel great discomfort caused by ourselves, but we also lose the ability to concentrate. and it greatly limits us in our daily lives if it is repeated several times throughout the day.
Suffering makes us feel alive
Sometimes it happens that the reason we like to suffer has more to do with the desire to feel alive. Masochism not only involves enjoying physical pain, but can also be extrapolated to the emotional level.
There are people who like to feel negative emotions, such as sadness or anger for the simple fact that that is preferable to feeling absolutely nothing.
If in your life you don’t see the possibility of being happy anywhere, then you’d rather be sad and feel like you’re still alive than not feel anything like a vegetable.
Suffering is effort
In the Western world we have a widespread belief that to enjoy later it is necessary to suffer now. In English this idea even rhymes: “no pain, no gain.” The myth that to achieve everything in this life it is necessary to make a great sacrifice It has made us believe that it is even necessary to suffer in situations where it is not really necessary. It is the main message of meritocracy: try hard and you will get what you want, even if it hurts.
It often happens that there are times when we know that to achieve something at work or in our personal life we do not need to work hard, but we still do it to show the rest of the world how much we want what we set out to do. We perceive suffering as effort and we believe that the harder we try, the more we will deserve what we long for.
Proof of all this is enough to see it in a gym. Let’s see, it is true that to show off a sculpted body like a Greek god it is necessary to invest hours and sacrifice part of our leisure, but what is seen in fitness clubs borders on the surreal, criticized even by the specialized trainers themselves. The temples of body worship, those places where the maxim of “no pain, no gain” is their philosophy, we find people who do more than they really need to be in shape.
As? Well, for example, the classic of throwing the dumbbells to the ground with the maximum possible force to demonstrate how much weight they have lifted, doing the repetitions faster than necessary to build muscle, screaming at the top of their lungs demonstrating how “much” they It’s been hard to lift a bar… that kind of thing.
Suffering makes us the center of attention
It can also happen that we actually “like” this suffering because it makes us become the center of attention. Many people who suffer from some type of problem, physical or psychological, receive attention, signs of support, more love or other reinforcers that make change, even if it is in their hands, less attractive.
This is one reason why some of us are not interested in stopping suffering, because if we did so we might lose that care or, at the very least, the importance that we enjoy when we tell our sorrows or show our suffering.
We like drama, we like to suffer, we like to be pitied, we like to feel strong emotions even if they hurt… and sometimes we forget that life is very short, that we only have one to live it and that if we don’t enjoy it now, when?
It is true that suffering is an inevitable part of life but we should not cling to it as if it were something fundamental to our existence. Remembering over and over again the things that hurt us in the past prevents us from living in the present, a present that can be the key to enjoying a great future.
