Why Do So Many Couples Have Conflicts During The Holidays?
When we start a relationship we tend to feel completely connected to our partner. We may still be surprised by your thoughts or attitudes, but the general feeling is one of permanent and solid connection.
From there it is very easy to face the holidays. Spending all our time together, without interruption from our daily obligations, is in perfect harmony with our desires.
Vacations: a challenge for the couple’s well-being
However, when a couple is in crisis, vacations are not always those expected days It seems that, when we find ourselves together and with fewer obligations, that feeling of disconnection becomes more powerful, more difficult to ignore.
During our daily lives we can attribute our lack of connection to a thousand factors: that we do not have time, that work absorbs us a lot, that children require a lot of attention, the gym, Sunday lunch with the family, shopping, cleaning, we have a thousand and one commitments,…
It is true that generally these or similar factors are present in all couples and minimize their ability to pay attention to each other on a day-to-day basis, but what is not so certain is that they are what keeps the distance between them.
Managing time together
Normally they cause us to begin to feel disconnected from others, but if we push them away, this feeling of disconnection does not disappear. Therefore, when they are not present on vacation, but the feeling with the partner remains the same, all the alarms go off.
When we go on a romantic weekend and we still can’t seem to feel close, we worry, we think that perhaps our relationship will never be the same again. We discover that we have settled into that distance between us in which we feel safer, although not more comfortable, and that, even if the reasons disappear, the distance remains.
Generally there is a desire in us for things to go back to the way they were before and it does not mean erasing our obligations or our “children” from the equation, but being able to feel as a couple again as before they arrived, and, if not daily, at least if that weekend alone that I was talking about before.
There are many couples who, after making that attempt and seeing that it does not work, or even after stopping trying and starting to spend the summer only with their extended family so as not to have to face this reality of disconnection, go to therapy, in the hope that Maybe, with help, things can be a little less bad… because few people dream of imagining that they can be just as good or even better than at the beginning.
And you can, not always, I’m not going to lie to you, but in many cases you can.
How can couples therapy help us?
The Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) It is a therapy model that allows us to delve into the reasons for that feeling of disconnection.
It is not a therapy in which we are going to discuss how we discuss our conflict issues. I sincerely understand that the couples who come to my consultation are generally people who are fully capable of having more or less satisfactory exchanges of opinions in almost all their relationships (family, work, friends,…) and that they have the feeling that they get “stuck.” in their couple discussions. This is because they have nothing to do with their abilities when giving and receiving criticism, nor with their good or bad techniques in making decisions,… but rather It seems that in couple’s arguments some emotions come into play that trap them and that lead them to react in a very specific way.
The feeling of disconnection does not appear simply because we have different opinions than our partner, nor even because these opinions lead us to a more or less heated discussion, but it appears when we feel that this discussion is endangering our bond with our partner, that it is touching fundamental themes: how I see myself; how the other sees me; how I see him in the relationship…
It is when they feel our bond on a tightrope, when the discussion becomes especially painful, because both of them, each in their own way, do everything possible so that the bond is not broken, and generally, they do it in different and almost different ways. contrary, increasing the insecurity of the other, and consequently one’s own.
How to help couples not feel insecure?
According to Dr. Sue Johnson, creator of the Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy Model, there are only three essential factors that make us feel that our relationship as a couple is secure. We need to know if our partner will be available, receptive, and emotionally involved with us.
The TFE Model gives therapists trained in the technique a clear map of the path to take to get from this feeling of disconnection, in which it is difficult to talk about any topic or even go on vacation together, to that of a secure bond. in which all these questions are answered with a YES, and we can feel as if we were on a “vacation” in our daily lives.
