I have been working with couples for a long time. I like to do it and accompany the participants in the work of decide what to do and how to do it
We can continue? How? What are we doing wrong? What are we not doing or taking care of? Can all couples get back on track? And what could we do with ours so that we don’t argue so much, or that we don’t feel mistreated?
There are many situations that we must evaluate in response to the needs of a relationship. And we must assume that people do not know what to do or how to solve certain problems. Many of us don’t know, no one ever taught us, and many times we couldn’t learn how to solve this or that.
So, to begin to explain what couples therapy consists of, we have to start from the basis that it is a very mobilizing experience in which there are ingredients of very different types.
1. The members of the couple usually feel very uncomfortable with what is happening
Sometimes they can explain it and sometimes they can’t. They know that what they are experiencing is not pleasant, sometimes they believe that their partner is simply not in tune and they cannot see what it is. the essence of distance
This is one of the therapist’s challenges… Trying to determine what is happening, beyond the ideas that one member or another has.
2. Shared and non-shared beliefs
The members of the couple sometimes have some hypothesis about what is happening, in light of their own view of the world, their projections, their beliefs.
And here we find another real problem. What are the beliefs of each other regarding this or that topic? Are those beliefs shared?
3. And what happens with the respect that each person has towards the other?
Is there gratitude for the meeting that has occurred with someone who is not me and who I like? Or, on the contrary, is there a situation of annoyance or confusion because I don’t like many things about my partner?
At this point it is common to find that in many couples one, or both, they want the other to change Is it possible to move forward in a relationship in which differences of opinion are constant, very present and are sometimes felt as a toxic situation?
If we ask a chef how to cook a certain dish, he will tell us a recipe, what the ingredients are, how to mix them and how to cook them. Here we have a fundamental difference between conflict resolution in couples and the preparation of a delicacy following a model Because? Because each couple is unique and has a modality that must be discovered by the therapist.
It is essential that the couples therapist be able to capture the specificity of what we previously called the essence of distance.
Key ideas to work on in couples therapy
To move forward with the resolution then we will need to understand that…
1. There are some issues in which we need to put order
Do I listen when the other person talks to me or asks me questions? Do I respond appropriately? What are each person’s priorities? I know it? Does he or she know?
2. There are some topics that we need to “teach” one and sometimes both members.
It is something that the person He doesn’t know how it works or how it’s done (Do you both know enough about each other’s emotional and sexual needs and how to actively participate?)
3. There are issues related to the care that each person needs from their partner.
Does each member of the couple know what they are? Did they ever talk about it?
The anger
I would like to add a topic that requires special attention. It is a topic that resonates greatly with each of the members every time there is a discussion. And it has to do with anger. Or rather, with previous anger Every time one gets angry with the other, old anger appears that was not resolved in a timely manner. We have to teach how to work with previous anger until resolution… So that they do not come back renewed.
I think that, decidedly, the topics mentioned constitute an excellent roadmap.
There is no doubt that if we feel that there is something that is not working in our couple, even if we do not know what it is, we should consult with a couples therapist. And he or she, with their experience and knowledge, will help us find the best way to resolve what is happening.
