We tend to live trapped in the machine of doing, proving our worth to the outside world ; We set goals, we achieve them, and we move on to the next challenge. When something doesn’t go well for us, we reproach ourselves and judge.
There is no calm in that race, in the search for external approval, or in beating ourselves up. When we live from the outside in we lose our inner peace.
Think about everything that may be hindering your peace of mind. Are you very concerned about pleasing others? Do you have to prove to someone that you are capable? Don’t you know how to set limits? Do you become obsessed with some thoughts? Do you buy into beliefs that tell you that you are not up to the task of your circumstances? Do you have perfectionist or controlling tendencies? Do you blame yourself for sayings and actions?
If you answered yes to any of these questions you have the answer to the title of this article. The challenge is how to heal so much pain and so much self-betrayal Let me tell you that it is possible, with adequate self-work, we can begin to feel calm.
There is a quote from Cicero, the wise Roman writer and philosopher, that once remained imprinted on my soul, “A happy life consists of having peace of mind.” So simple and forceful, this is an invitation to live from the inside out. To the extent that we are connected to our true essence, our deepest goodness, and our needs in the present moment, our fears, anxieties, and anger will subside.
Unfortunately, We forget our internal compass and continue looking for stillness outside We are convinced that serenity will come to us when we graduate, advance in our profession, buy a house or a car, and are recognized in the areas in which we operate. The idea is not to self-flagellate if we feel identified with the latter, but to have the equanimity to say, “there is a life story that pushes me to think and behave like this, I accept it, and I ask myself… What pattern could change to feel relief? What would I have to redirect? What would ease my sorrow?”
The root of the problem
Several of my clients were raised in families that, with the best of good intentions, instilled in them that they had to get high grades in school and that they had to strive not to “fail” exams, sports, or pleasing others in their circles It is no surprise that today, these clients are adults who feel incomplete, lacking the secret ingredient to success, or fearful of not being loved or accepted when they have a fall. One of my clients shared with me that when she was little she had been a student of tens and that the few times she got sevens or eights, her father would question her where she had gone wrong and punish her.
Experiences like this are recorded in our body and we carry them into our adult lives If for some reason we do not achieve what we set out to do, punishment will be the familiar place to which we return. The difference is that in adulthood, we are the ones who beat ourselves up. The positive circumstances in life, no matter how many they may be, often go unnoticed and our mind stubbornly focuses on what makes us feel insecure, thus reinforcing our ideas of lack.
Our beliefs and thoughts begin to form in the interactions we have when we are little. I think about my client who was such a good student that she lived through her school years with anxiety because she was afraid of disappointing her father. In her mind as a child, she associated that her father loved her when she was successful and that he stopped loving her when she slipped up. How can we not become obsessed with all kinds of thoughts in order to have reality under control? Who wants to go through so much suffering? And yet, we can do our best and draw a roadmap, but Life will surprise us because it is neither predictable nor orderly It will be our flexibility and ability to question our fixations that will keep us afloat and prevent us from collapsing.
To do?
My clients often tell me: “I understand, but I still feel terrible, lost, distressed, and now what do I do?” To which I respond: “Are you sure that things are as you tell them? Are you really that flawed person? Are you going to buy your ideas as if they were absolute truth? How can you get on your side? Does having those thoughts make them reality? If the wisest person in the world spoke to you right now, what would he say? What small change are you committed to implementing?”
When we encourage ourselves to stay with our emotions instead of running away from them, We begin to open up and receive information from our wiser Self Over time, the client I shared with you previously understood that since she was a child she had contorted herself to do everything right to meet the demands of her beloved father. That girl who at home felt “so little” with grades just below her maximum, had become an adult addicted to conquests and reaching the highest mark where no one could blame her. However, that life no longer made her happy, she was exhausted, she felt empty and dissatisfied.
Little by little he began to challenge his assumptions and live his own way. He learned to listen to his inner voice, to be true to himself, and to feel gratitude for the little things.
To feel the peace that resides within us, it is vital to stop living on autopilot and wake up from the trance of fear, trauma, and the beliefs that we accept as absolute truths and that today limit us The path of unlearning the patterns that have walled us in requires a lot of courage, but it is the way to contact the love, joy, and power that reside right in our center.
