Why Is It So Difficult For Us To Get Over A Romantic Breakup?
Suddenly, Martín had the feeling that the world was collapsing around him. His girlfriend, the woman he had lived with for the last 10 years of his life, had just told him that she no longer loved him, that she had fallen in love with another man, and that she was leaving that same night. of the house.
The feeling of disbelief that overcame Martín at that moment lasted for several days, and even months, after she had left. Distraught and confused, he kept wondering what the hell had happened.
He usually found himself wandering around the house alone, immersed in questions and dark thoughts. Over time, all kinds of happy moments began to come to mind reminiscences of a better time that tormented him permanently: he remembered his ex-girlfriend’s smile, the last time they went on vacation, the walks they took together every weekend in the neighborhood park, the hugs and gestures of affection that they professed for each other, the outings to the cinema and the theater, the shared humor, and a whole cataract of etcetera that were projected before their eyes like a movie, over and over again.
Furthermore, many times I had the feeling that she was still in the house. He could smell her, see her standing by the living room window, and hear her girlish laughter like an echo, now in her sad, desolate abode.
She was no longer there, but she had become a very present ghost that followed him wherever he went. This was Martin’s story. Now I am going to tell another case, very different and very similar at the same time.
Just as Martín lost his girlfriend, Diego lost a part of his body He had been in a serious car accident that led to emergency surgery where doctors had no choice but to amputate his hand.
The curious thing about the matter, and leaving aside the sad and dramatic part of the story, is that in the days and months following the operation, Diego felt that the hand that had been removed was still in its place.
He knew rationally, of course, that he was now one-armed. In fact, he could stare into the very nothingness where his hand had once been. The evidence before his eyes was irrefutable. But, despite that, Diego couldn’t help but feel that the injured hand was still in his place. Furthermore, he assured the doctors that he could move his fingers, and there were even days when his palm itched and he didn’t really know what to do to scratch it.
The strange phenomenon that affected Diego has a name… it is known as phantom limb syndrome. It is a well-documented pathology that, like everything that happens to us in life, has its origin in the architecture of the brain.
The phantom limb
Each part of our body occupies a specific place in the brain. The hands, fingers, arms, feet and the rest of the components of human anatomy have a specific and identifiable neural correlate. In simple terms, our entire organism is represented in the brain, that is, it occupies a specific space made up of a set of interconnected neurons.
If misfortune awaits us and we suddenly lose a leg in an accident, what disappears from our body, instantly, is the real leg, but not the areas of the brain where that leg is represented.
It is something similar to what happens if we tear a page out of a book: that specific page will no longer be part of the volume in question; however, it will continue to exist in the index. Here we find ourselves facing a gap between what we are supposed to have and what we really have
Another way to understand it is to think about the real geographical territory of a country and its cartographic representation, that is, the place that that country occupies on the map of the world… A giant tsunami could well cause Japan to sink into the ocean, but obviously Japan would continue to exist on all the school maps scattered on the face of the Earth.
In an analogous way, if from one day to the next, the unfortunate Diego no longer has his right hand, but for his brain it continues to exist, it is expected that the poor boy will feel that he can take things with the missing limb, play with his fingers, or even scratching his butt when no one is looking.
The brain that adapts
The brain is a flexible organ, with the ability to reorganize itself. For the purposes of the case at hand, this means that the area of the brain where Diego’s injured hand previously sat does not die or disappear.
Quite the contrary, with the passage of time, when they stop receiving sensory information from the environment, such as touch, cold and heat, nerve cells stop fulfilling their specific function. Since there is no longer any reason for them to remain there, since their existence is not justified, the unemployed neurons are put at the service of another member of the body. Usually, they migrate to neighboring regions of the brain. They change teams, to put it in colloquial terms.
Of course, this doesn’t happen overnight. Such a feat takes the brain months and years. During this transition period, it is possible that the injured person lives deceived believing that there is still something where in reality there is nothing.
The parallelism
However, What does strange hand syndrome have to do with poor Martín and his runaway girlfriend who give the title to this article?
Well, quite a bit, in a certain sense, since not only our different parts of the body have a physical representation in the brain, but also everything we do during the day, our most diverse experiences.
If we take Czech language or clarinet playing classes, the resulting learning triggers the literal reorganization of some regions of our brain. All new knowledge involves the recruitment of thousands and thousands of neurons so that this new information can be fixed and preserved in the long term.
The same is true for Clarita, the woman with whom Martín was living. After many years of courtship and dozens of experiences together, she occupied a very specific place in the man’s brain, just as her lost hand occupied a specific place in Diego’s brain.
The hand removed, and Clarita removed, both brains will need time to adjust to the new circumstances ; Clinging to the past, they will do nothing more than bombard each boy with illusory glimpses of a reality that no longer exists. Thus, while Diego feels that he still has his hand, Martín feels Clarita’s presence, and the two suffer damnedly from the strong emotional contrast that is generated every time they become aware that this is no longer the case.
The problem doesn’t end there
There is an aggravating factor, and it is the feeling of discomfort that appears when the old, accustomed brain cannot get what it wants.
When a person dazzles us, the central nervous system begins to release large amounts of a substance called dopamine. It is a neurotransmitter whose function, in this case, is to stimulate what is known as the reward circuit of the brain, responsible for the feeling of well-being and fulfillment that characterizes the lover
On the other hand, excess dopamine circulating through our neurons blocks a region called the prefrontal cortex which, coincidentally, is the biological seat of reflective thinking, critical judgment, and the ability to solve problems. In other words, when we fall in love, the ability to think and act intelligently goes to the seventh circle of hell, and beyond.
Blinded and stunned by love
Falling in love leaves us half stupid, and that responds to an evolutionary purpose. Blinded by love, not being able to perceive our partner’s defects helps to quickly strengthen the bond. If the person in question impresses us by seeming perfect, without negative traits, it will make us want to spend a lot of time with them, which in turn will increase the probability that we will end up in bed, have children, and continue populating the world. That, by the way, It is the only thing that really interests our genes
Now, if for some reason the relationship is permanently interrupted, the reward circuit is deprived of its source of dopamine, which triggers a true withdrawal syndrome. Instead, the stress circuit is activated, and the lover suffers like a prisoner for not being able to obtain what his brain insistently demands of him.
Like a recovering alcoholic or drug addict, the abandoned girlfriend or boyfriend can even go so far as to commit all kinds of recklessness and foolishness in order to get their beloved back.
The period it takes for the brain to readjust to this disorder is what is commonly known as grief and it tends to vary from one person to another, since it depends on the type and intensity of the bond, the attachment and the importance we attribute to the person we have lost.
