Why Is It So Difficult For Us To Make Some Decisions?
We all feel tormented at some point by a decision to make: stay in a relationship or not, quit your job, get married, have a child, etc.
At other times, we know what we have to do (stop drinking, go out more often and meet people, eat healthier, establish more intimate relationships) but we don’t decide, that is, we don’t commit ourselves to do it. Sometimes we realize that our way of being is harming us (we procrastinate or work too much, we are not very affectionate or too demanding) but we don’t know how to make the change
This internal struggle and indecision is painful and exhausting The worst thing is that it delays our growth and paralyzes us. The decision we put off for later always comes back to bite us, in one way or another.
I write this post based on the teachings of the brilliant psychiatrist Dr. Irvin Yalom
An example to understand how we make decisions
Let’s take the example of a fictitious case that will serve us for the entire post.
Alexandra: ““Leave my boyfriend or stay with him?”
Alejandra is a girl in her thirties who works in an advertising company. She has been with her boyfriend for several years, however she has doubts about leaving the relationship. Feels that things are not the same, and that they do not have important values in common believes that they have become disrespectful towards each other, and mistrust has increased due to rumors that he has heard and fears that they are true.
She feels that she must take her future seriously and think if he is the man of her life. She herself fantasizes about meeting another man and has begun to act cold. Lately they have seen very little of each other and fights are too frequent. She feels tormented by the decision she must make Stay with your boyfriend or leave him?
Irvin D. Yalom explains the 4 reasons that explain the difficulty of making decisions
Yalom describes that there are 4 main reasons why it is difficult for us to make a decision. As you read, he reflects on whether any of these reasons apply to you. There can be several!
In our example, Alejandra may find it difficult to decide to break up with her boyfriend because that means that only she can make the decisions in her life, Only she can choose and no matter how much she wants, it is not possible to ask someone else to do them for her
First reason: we do not decide because we are afraid of being responsible for our decisions.
When we are choosing, We realize that only we can decide and therefore, everything depends on us Our life is our responsibility. This can help us live a more authentic and fulfilled life, but it can also give us anxiety and lead us to paralyze ourselves, in this case, avoiding making decisions.
When we are faced with a crucial decision it is normal to be afraid, we are directly deciding our destiny and that is why, as I will write in the second part of the postsometimes we try to coerce other people to make the decision for us
In our example, Alejandra may find it difficult to break up with her boyfriend because she gives up a lifetime of possibilities with him to all the fantasies she had and feels nostalgic for the romantic and intimate memories that would be stained with pain once the door closed.
Second reason: we do not want to give up other possibilities.
For every yes, there must be a no. Deciding always means leaving something else behind
Making decisions can be painful because we are giving up everything else, and sometimes it doesn’t come back. Although it may seem hasty to say it, the more limited our options are, the closer we get to the end of our life. Nobody wants to get closer to the end of existence, so sometimes we unconsciously avoid making a decision. When we are 18 we have a world of possibilities and options, when we reach 60 we have fewer crucial decisions to make. There are those who avoid making decisions to cling to the illusion that the possibilities remain unlimited. We don’t want to give up that world of options Making a decision always involves an opportunity cost.
Aristotle gave the example of a hungry dog that is presented with two equally exquisite dishes of food, unable to decide, remains hungry and “starving.”
It is so difficult for us to decide because on an unconscious level we refuse to accept the implications of giving up If we look at it that way, in our life we go from one renunciation to another, we give up all the other partners, we give up all the other jobs, we give up all the other vacation places every time we decide.
In our example, Alejandra may have an unpleasant feeling of guilt, where she cannot really understand why she feels this way about leaving her boyfriend, Maybe you subconsciously feel like you don’t have the right to make those kinds of decisions
Third reason: we avoid making decisions so as not to feel guilty.
Yeah, Many times we feel guilt when making decisions and this can totally paralyze the will process, in addition to causing tremendous anxiety. Even if we know that we have the right to choose who we are with, even if we know that something or someone is not right for us, sometimes we can’t help but continue feeling guilty.
Psychologist Otto Rank gives a fascinating explanation for why some people feel so much guilt when deciding: The will to do things (will and decision go completely hand in hand) is born in children as a counter-will. Adults often oppose children’s impulsive acts, and children develop the will to oppose the opposition. If children have parents who, unfortunately, crush their children’s will and spontaneous expression, they become burdened with guilt and experience the decision as something “bad” and forbidden. Therefore they grow up with a feeling that they do not have the right to choose or decide.
In our example, it may be difficult for Alejandra to decide to break up with her boyfriend because if she does it now it means that she could have done it from the beginning, in fact, Maybe she should never have gone out with him, her intuition was already telling her that he was not the right person That realization makes you feel (existential) guilt and therefore delay the decision so as not to feel it.
Fourth reason: we avoid making decisions so as not to think about everything we could have done.
Existential guilt is different from traditional guilt where one feels bad for having done something wrong against another person.
Existential guilt has to do with a transgression against oneself, it comes from regret, realizing that you have not lived life the way you wanted, that you have not taken advantage of your potential or all the opportunities you have had. Existential guilt can paralyze us greatly, a big decision can make us reflect on everything we have not done before, what we have sacrificed.
If we take responsibility for our lives and make the decision to change, the implication is that Only we are responsible for the change and the mistakes made, and that we could have changed a long time ago. A mature 40-year-old person who decides to quit smoking after 20 years of having this habit, realizes that he could have stopped smoking a long time ago. That is, if he can quit smoking now, he could have quit smoking two decades ago. That carries a lot of existential guilt. She may wonder, “How could I not have quit smoking sooner? Maybe I would have saved myself illnesses, criticism, money.”
This phrase from Yalom can help us here: “One of the ways – perhaps the only way – to deal with guilt (whether it is violation towards other people or towards oneself) is through atonement or reparation. One cannot go back to the past. One can only repair the past by altering the future.”
In conclusion: Why is making a decision so difficult? Because of the renunciation, anxiety and guilt that accompanies decisions
In the second part of the post we will analyze the ways in which we avoid making decisions, some of them are unconscious.
How do we avoid deciding on a daily basis?
Since decisions are difficult to make and painful, it is no surprise that we humans find many methods to avoid making decisions. The most obvious method of not making a decision is procrastination, that is, leaving things for later, but there are other, much more subtle methods that consist of fooling yourself into thinking that others are making decisions for us.
The most painful thing about choosing is the process, not the decision itself, therefore, If you are blind to the process, it hurts less Therefore we have several tricks to make the decision process easier. These tricks are not always the best but they save us anxiety.
How do we avoid the painful renunciation when deciding?
1. Making an alternative look less attractive.
In our example, Alejandra has to decide between two options: staying in an unsatisfying relationship vs being single/feeling lonely.
Both alternatives are equally painful, so the dilemma is resolved if one of the two alternatives is more attractive, that’s why she decides to go out with Francisco, a handsome and affectionate boy, this way the decision is much easier: Staying in an unsatisfactory relationship vs being with her new loving and affectionate suitor. This arrangement works because Alejandra is no longer paralyzed and she can decide, the negative thing about this situation is that she does not learn much from the experience. She doesn’t help him process his fear of loneliness nor does she understand why it took him so long to leave her boyfriend if she wasn’t happy. This is the classic case of “a nail pulls out another nail”, you could say that the nail helps to move but not to learn.
It may be that later Alejandra will have problems with this new boyfriend and find herself in the dilemma again. Therefore, if the decision is difficult because one is faced with two very similar alternatives, one usually uses a trick: fix the situation so that one resigns unless
2. Making the non-chosen alternative look worse than it is.
In our example, Alejandra can begin to magnify her boyfriend’s defects in order to be able to leave him or to magnify the effects of being alone (she remains “spinster”, there are no more worthwhile guys, etc.) to excuse herself and continue in the relationship. . Some people, when they hear “no” usually say “I didn’t even want to anyway”, although it is taken as a joke, this mechanism is very similar, it is a way to feel less pain.
As in the example of the dog that was starving because it didn’t know which food to eat because both looked equally attractive, it is difficult for us to make decisions when both seem almost equivalent. From an unconscious level, we magnify the differences between two similar options so that the decision is less painful.
How do we avoid anxiety and guilt?
1. Delegating the decision to someone else.
Alejandra could begin to act cold, indifferent and distant, her boyfriend will notice the change, he will try to do something but if he reaches a point of frustration and discouragement where his attitude remains the same, he will most likely be “forced” to leave her, without However, she will claim “my boyfriend cut me off” and deceive herself into thinking that it was not her decision.
Human beings are ambivalent about freedom, an attractive idea that offers us options but also scares us because it confronts us with the fact that we are the only ones responsible for our happiness. ORYou cannot avoid a decision by leaving it to someone else so that others can make the decision for us Other examples of this trick:
Alejandra could decide to convince herself to stay with her boyfriend and get engaged because she is forced by society’s rules (which say she should be engaged at her age) or she could ask for an arbitrary signal to continue or break up.
Since ancient times, humanity has transferred decisions to external situations. How many times have we left the decision to fate or a coin? I remember as a child, when I couldn’t decide between a package of cookies or papalinas at a friend’s house, I would ask her to take them from behind and exchange them, while I chose the right or left hand. The decision was not mine, I just chose right or left. Therefore, we delegate the decision some more. For example:
Waiting until the last minute to buy tickets for a concert we don’t want to go to, blaming it on the fact that there are no more tickets available.
On the other hand, rules, although they are convenient for human beings, in some cases indirectly help to not take responsibility for decisions but also to reduce anxiety. For example:
A teacher who, having given extra homework for low-performing children in the past, refuses to give extra work to a student he dislikes, because “the rules” don’t allow it, so if he misses class, it was because of who followed the guidelines.
In conclusion, To avoid deciding, we leave things for later and avoid the feeling of resignation by distorting the alternatives or pretending that something or someone else is deciding for us
Important reflections
To avoid falling into these traps We must remember that we cannot not decide This is impossible. Avoiding deciding is also a decision.
We can make decisions actively or passively If we actively make decisions, it means that we are realizing that it is our decision and responsibility, and even when facing fear, we take the step and choose. Actively making decisions increases our resources and personal power. If we make decisions passively, we may be delegating them to someone, something else, or lowering the alternative. By making decisions passively, we are in danger of suffering from low self-esteem, self-criticism, or self-loathing. The important thing is not the decision we make, but that we take it actively.
When we are faced with a stormy decision process, it is useful to ask ourselves what is the meaning of this decision? If we make a decision but we cannot stick to it, for example, if Alejandra decides to leave her relationship but continues to contact her ex-boyfriend, calling him or answering his calls, etc. She has to face the fact that she has made another decision, which has its own meaning and benefit to her. So we focus not on the refusal to decide, but on the decision that WAS made, the decision to stay in contact with him. All decisions have their benefit. What is the meaning that Alejandra gives by staying in contact with him? Don’t suffer loneliness, avoid anxiety, don’t hurt her ego, save her ex-boyfriend from her loneliness, etc. Then Alejandra can make an active decision and work on her life, her dependence, her insecurity, her anxiety or fear of abandonment.
It is difficult to make decisions, it is scary, it is human to try to avoid making them When we agonize over a decision, let’s face the situation and be responsible for our decision to increase our personal power, consistency and maintain our self-esteem and self-worth.
Let’s make decisions actively It helps a lot if we can understand why the decision is so difficult, what the hidden meaning or fear is and decide to work on that. Almost all of us have an idea of what we are afraid of, there are many resources to deal with this: be more aware of ourselves, look for those loved ones who listen and support us, follow a philosophy that is coherent and real for us, attend courses, read books and/or begin a process of personal change (individual, group therapy or coaching).
