“People don’t change” is a very widespread saying. However, the reality is that this phrase conceals the possibility that someone learns to behave differently throughout their life. Human beings are not rigid machines that replicate the same words, thoughts and emotions over and over again in any situation.
Although each person has their own personality, which maintains a certain stability over time, the contexts to which we expose ourselves change and also change us. A circumstance in which a person can begin to behave differently is the relationship: perhaps, at first, attentive, available, kind, and once a few months or years of relationship have passed, rather irritable or annoying. .
For this reason, many patients come to the offices asking the following question to their psychotherapists : “Because now My partner gets angry with me and not before?” In this article we will delve into a common possibility why a person may suddenly tend to become angry with his or her partner, when he or she did not behave in such a way before.
The “B side” of falling in love: when one gives more than one can
At first, it usually happens that when two people come together as a couple, they are still in a period of intense, almost obfuscated, love; There are also those who call it, symbolically, the “honeymoon” moment. During this time, It is common for couples to want to share many experiences and time together ; who want to please the other person at all costs; to pay more attention to details than usual, etc.
We know that these are some generalities, since everyone experiences falling in love differently. However, a common point when couples’ relationships are still in their infancy is that there is a tendency—to be expected—to give their best in order to carry out this new shared project in the best possible way. This is fine, since the idea that relationships don’t require flexibility or negotiation is just another myth about romantic love. Therefore, it is logical that people try to give their best as soon as they are in a relationship, but, sometimes, the best It means giving others more than you can ; more than what you have to offer at a specific time.
In the short term, this strategy can work to preserve harmony during the beginning of the couple. However, if we look towards the horizon, it will be possible to see that in the medium and long term this need to please the other person excessively could be problematic. Let’s look at this possibility in detail.
The main reason for sudden anger with your partner
In a second moment, in which the couple has been around for a long time and has shared both pleasant experiences and disagreements, that is, they have experienced certain ups and downs, it is when it is most likely that one of the two, unpredictably, will become angry with the other. In this way, that person’s partner could ask themselves: “How is it possible that, having been such an attentive, kind and approachable person at the beginning of the relationship, he now acts this way?”; “How have compliments been replaced by reproaches?”
Well, it is impossible to determine a single answer to this question, since each subject and each couple is a world. However, there is a good chance that such a change in behavior is due to that one of the two cannot sustain that complacent way of acting , hyperpositive and always available for her partner that she was at the beginning of the relationship. In other words, for fear of her partner’s rejection, she was so attentive to the needs of others that she ended up being unable to identify and stand up for her own; She cannot say “no” or set healthy limits by insatiably seeking the approval of others.
Contrary to what most people believe, the fact that we tend to want others to like us is not inherently negative. In truth, seeking the approval of others is the result of thousands of years of evolution as a species. Directing our behaviors with the objective of pleasing those in front of us has served to ensure survival, since closeness to others meant, at a certain moment in our phylogenetic history, the possibility of devising effective strategies to hunt, gather food, reproduce, protect yourself from extreme temperatures or predators.
Today we preserve that imprint that leads us to seek the endorsement of others in our decisions, opinions, tastes, etc. For this reason, many people behave in the way we describe when they are just adjusting to life as a couple. It is to be expected that this is the case. However, also On many occasions, people tend to overestimate the consequences of another’s disapproval ; These take on the illusion of always being negative, devastating or even catastrophic. For this reason, they end up deploying a repertoire of extremely evasive behaviors, avoiding any type of conflict and going through twists and turns to ask for something that—they presume—the other person might dislike.
When a person suddenly begins to get angry with their partner even over everyday trifles, it is probably because they cannot find another healthier way to express their discontent towards certain situations in relation to the other person or to living together. For example, anger may be an ineffective way to express disagreement with a decision, when, perhaps, in the past you would have simply agreed, agreed, or accepted the other’s opinion over your own.
Faced with these occasions, if we are the ones who have difficulty establishing a limit or expressing our discomfort towards another person, it is of utmost importance to learn to train the ability to experience discomfort freely and without resistance. Sometimes discomfort is made up of an emotional assortment of anxiety, fear, and shame. Radically accepting this discomfort can be helpful in making the decision to express what one needs and expects from the other, even in the presence of such difficult emotions.
Disagreements may be avoidable, but at what cost? What benefits would avoiding a conflict bring us in the medium or long term? Under certain circumstances it may be okay to “let go” of a disagreement with the other – after all, being in a relationship also involves a constant exercise of flexibility and the ability to reach consensus —; but in many other situations it is an inefficient strategy. Sometimes conflicts cannot be avoided. And it’s okay, so be it. The key point lies in knowing how to confront these conflicts, when it is appropriate and with what interpersonal tools to act.
Finally, if we are the partner of someone who tends to be excessively angry, the most important thing is that we are open enough to talk to him or her about it. That is, ask him what he needs from us; How can we help you to make it easier to communicate and, if necessary, be available to accompany you to receive psychotherapeutic treatment where you can acquire the social skills necessary to resolve conflicts assertively, clearly and without resorting to anger or reproach as a strategy preferred coping method.
