Why Trying To Make Someone Love You Again Is Not The Solution
For some time now, the idea that each person is an island has gained momentum in our society. Individuals are born, develop a series of skills and interests, and try to live the best possible life through them. But this philosophy of life, which of course is nothing more than a simplification of what really happens, explodes into a thousand pieces. when love enters the scene
In a healthy relationship, love makes us question where our own interests end and where the other person’s interests end. This logic is exciting and captivating, because sharing existence on a very intimate level gives meaning to what happens to us and what we do. But if the case occurs in which a breakup or lack of love appears, that turns against us: it appears the almost enslaving need for the other person to love us again
How to make someone love me again? The trick question
Looking at it from a certain perspective, it makes sense that if before we believed we lived immersed in a kind of superorganism made up of two people, when one of them leaves the remains of the relationship try to to attract back those who have decided to leave Since in theory a very intense emotional bond can make a couple become more than the sum of two individuals, once this bond is formed there is no turning back.
However, this way of looking at relationships, and couple relationships in particular, is harmful. Because? We will see it below, along with some recommendations on what it would be advisable to do.
1. It prevents us from seeing aspects in which we can improve
Sometimes emotional ruptures between two people occur due to purely subjective aspects, such as the inability to overcome a traumatic event experienced with another person (the loss of a child, contracting an illness, etc.). But on other occasions the phenomenon has to do with a personal defect, something that can really be improved in objective terms.
The fact of trying to find a solution by making the other person love us again masks this type of errors and personal defects, since although it is an ineffective measure to be happy, placing the problem in the other person and not in oneself is a way of not having to face a task as complex as change itself.
He who lives this way always has reasons to regret, but you don’t have to struggle to make relevant decisions and carry them out through a learning and personal development plan.
2. Dehumanizes the other person
It may not seem like it at first, but Trying to make someone love us again is assuming that the person we want to get back is a manipulable object It’s about taking for granted not that we can help them have more information with which to decide whether they want to stay by our side or not, but that we can vary their emotions as appropriate. Is there anything more Machiavellian than that?
Trying to make someone love you again is not in itself a form of harassment, but it makes it easier for this type of behavior to appear. If we shift the focus of the problem to the other person, interpreting the situation as if what is wrong was what the other person feels, that paves the way for future controlling attitudes
That is why it is good to keep in mind that the other person is fully capable of leading their own life, being responsible for themselves and making valid decisions.
4. Lowers one’s own dignity
Trying to change another person’s feelings about oneself not only detracts from the dignity of those who want to recover, but also serves to degrade oneself. Normally, these types of experiences go hand in hand with damage to self-esteem, and pretending that everything is due to the absence of love or affection from the other person makes it very easy for us, our value becomes synonymous with the value that the other person gives us
In other words, in these situations we forget that the other person does not have the ability to judge our value in a way free of bias, seeing us as we really are, so that making him love us again is equivalent to recovering everything. the lost value.
This, then, is a paradox: if we try to make someone else feel love for us again, we can assume that they have no judgment and that they have the wrong feelings, but at the same time it will be very difficult to keep our self-esteem intact while the person whose emotions we give so much importance She acts like we’re not important to her
It may sound typical, but it is still true: when a personal relationship breaks down and this is not due to a communication failure, it is best to respect the other person’s decision to its ultimate consequences, and give up marking the calendar of future contacts.
Thus, in these cases you only have to follow two steps that, although simple in theory, require effort: firstly, make sure that the other person has not fallen into deception, and secondly, if they really do not lack relevant information, let it go and come back to it build a life that stimulates us and has meaning It is complicated, but not impossible, and with the help of psychological assistance, it is better overcome.
