If we mention the word “love”, there are many things that come to mind, from the simplest to the most elaborate, but are we really aware of the meaning of the word? And, moreover, what does it really encompass? The first thing we have to ask ourselves is what “love” means to me and my partner. Do we agree on concepts? Are we aligned on the same thing, or are our meanings too far apart?
For example, for one person, love can mean being together for life despite obstacles, which will lead them to make an effort every day and keep trying, on the other hand, if the other person has the concept that love is only up to To the extent that it makes you happy at the first obstacle, perhaps you would prefer to be calm and at peace instead of continuing to “torture” yourself with a relationship in which you feel that you can no longer handle it, because your concept tells you “if it makes you happy, continue.” If not, look for other options.”
Mentioning falling in love is important to clarify the difference with love. On the one hand, we have that the experience of being in love is euphoric. We go to bed thinking about each other, when we wake up, that person is the first thought in our minds. We long to be together, to spend time together. Falling in love is a temporary emotional stage, it is pure adrenaline, it is the “butterflies” in the stomach, the electricity in the body, I see him/her as perfect and if I find any defect it is insignificant, I accept everything that comes because I have pure oxytocin in me. the brain.
While love goes beyond possession, it seeks not only to satisfy emotional but transcendental needs in which the happiness of the other makes me happy, in which I understand that if we want to evolve we look for stable and lasting relationships in which they know that love It is important, yes, but it is not the only thing that is sought, communication styles, belief systems are also prioritized, and it even takes into account other factors such as economic, cultural, and sometimes religious factors. That is what we call love, when we transcend the banal and superficial.
That is why it is important to know how my partner loves, to know if he is really loving me. Problems in couples therapy are generally based on: “he doesn’t love me the way I want” “he doesn’t seem to love someone” “because he doesn’t love me.” He loves me the way I want” But, Is there only one way to express love to others? What do you think?
The languages of love
How your partner loves can be in many ways, how important it will be to discover it, understand it and accompany it.
For this, the author Gary Chapman tells us about the 5 love languages.
1. Words of affirmation
The first is related to my partner loving or feeling loved through language, that is, saying words of affirmation, understood as compliments, appreciation, words of appreciation. The person feels loved when they praise him/her, verbally say what they admire about him/her, highlight his/her virtues. They feel elevated (loved) with phrases like: “How beautiful you look today” or “How good those new pants look on you.”
They also feel loved when they hear that their actions are valued with phrases like: “Thank you for picking me up from work today, how kind of you” or “How nice the time we have shared together, but I value much more that you took time for us”. These people feel loved with appropriate language, for example, “Thank you for taking the children to the park” instead of saying “You finally took them somewhere, it seems like I don’t have a father.”
Secondly, we have quality time, which does not only refer to proximity, but also to union, which has to do with complete attention between the two. It is enjoying and spending time together, relating to each other. These types of people find it gratifying to be with each other, whether on an outing, going for a walk, buying things, visiting each other at work, or simply spending time alone doing mundane things. For example, if you can’t go out, the most likely thing they will say is: okay, no problem, I’ll go. Or offer your company. He is attentive to the other, he listens to you, he observes you, sometimes it may just be silence but it is there.
3. Gifts
Thirdly we have receiving or giving gifts. These types of people spend considerable time and effort finding a present that resonates with the recipient. A gift, to them, is more than just an object: it is a physical manifestation of their affection, a thoughtful gift that symbolizes their love. When people with this love language receive a gift, they see it as a sign that the giver cares about them and values their relationship. They appreciate the thought and effort put into choosing the gift, regardless of its cost or size. However, It is important to note that having this as your love language does not necessarily make you materialistic. Instead, it often shows your appreciation for the time, effort, and emotion invested in choosing a meaningful gift..
4. Acts of service
Fourthly we have acts of service, expressed through gestures of care and assistance. For people who identify with this love language, actions speak louder than words, poetry, or even the most elaborate gifts. The smallest tasks done thoughtfully can have immense meaning, as these gestures reflect a willingness to contribute to your well-being. For example: Cooking your favorite meal after a long day, offering your help seeing that your partner needs it, preparing a cup of coffee or tea for the other person. It’s knowing that someone cares enough to help lighten your load, intervene when you’re overwhelmed, or simply be proactive in accomplishing tasks.
Finally we have physical contact, these people show and receive through affirmative contact, such as hugging, holding hands, kissing, among others. For some people, it is the primary love language, without it they don’t feel loved.. In addition, they can communicate many things through touch and contact with each other. On the other hand, they believe that physical gestures of love foster connection and mutual respect.
The help of therapy
In couples therapy, the first thing we work on is to recognize each person’s own love language and then that of their partner. To later identify how we have been handling it and what we are willing to commit to.
I have been working with couples for more than 12 years and when we work on this aspect of understanding the couple, their history, their learning, their experiences and, above all, concepts they have about love, the burden is lightened; cAs a couples therapist I can tell you that being in a couple is a world to discover that we are willing to face with love and patience and if you require additional support, I am here to serve you and start together to build healthy and stable relationships as couples..
