5 Keys To Overcoming A Couple Crisis Due To Infidelity
Infidelity is one of the most frequent problems that people who have emotional relationships of marriage or courtship go through.
Although it is a taboo subject, it is difficult to make calculations in this regard, it is estimated that in Western societies, the percentage of adults who are or have been unfaithful is between 15 and 25%. Furthermore, today it is known that infidelity is a transversal phenomenon in practically all cultures, although the frequency with which it occurs depends greatly on the place in which one lives, the generation to which one belongs, and the age group in which one lives. It is.
However… Is it possible to overcome infidelity? Several decades of research on this topic show that yes, although it is also true that behind the idea of “unfaithful behavior” very diverse and different realities can hide.
Not everyone who experiences infidelity feels bad when wondering whether or not to end the relationship. For example, there are those who assume that infidelity is synonymous with breakup; and at the other extreme, there are those who already know in advance that they will not be able to break up with the other person, but they resign themselves to the idea that they will be trapped in a relationship that only brings unhappiness and betrayal.
Both belief systems are wrong and very dysfunctional in terms of their effects on people’s psychological well-being Thus, assuming that the only thing that can be done in the face of infidelity is to break up leads to losing sight of the fact that the term “infidelity” is a label used to refer to a wide variety of situations, in many of which it is It is possible to find all kinds of nuances, and therefore it is not associated with clear instructions on what to do in all cases.
In the same way, it is clear that where there is someone who finds it impossible to break up with their partner even if it causes them unhappiness and discomfort, there is a serious problem in which we must intervene to overcome that dependency (or even a situation of abuse, if necessary). gives).
Taking this into account, let’s look at several key ideas that are important to rely on when overcoming infidelity, and that are based on several of the principles used in couples therapy in situations of this type.
1. You should always start with how the victim of infidelity feels
Many people who realize that their partner has been unfaithful obsess over a single idea: What led the other person to do that? Although this information is important, We must not let it eclipse what is really significant at first: how do I feel about that?
Overcoming infidelity is above all a repair process in which the possibilities of repairing that bond based on trust are explored, so if there is someone who should lead the way, it is the one who has seen how the other person broke with that level. of compromise. Therefore, everything must begin with the way in which infidelity has generated an emotional impact on someone who until then has been left on the sidelines. Even if there have been infidelities on the part of both, one grievance does not “cancel” the other: there are things to repair on both sides.
2. You have to know how to detect dynamics of abuse
The other big question that must be addressed from the beginning is whether infidelity is one of the main symptoms that something is wrong in that relationship, or if there really is a much bigger problem in the form of abuse, for example, through emotional manipulation.
Is the other person trying to make us feel guilty for having “forced” them to be with someone else? Does he treat us as “crazy” for giving a lot of importance to this situation of infidelity? They are warning signs that indicate the other person’s attempts to dominate the relationship, overriding one’s own dignity and ability to decide In these cases, we must assume that the fact that the other person has been unfaithful is not the problem to be addressed.
3. You have to know how to appreciate the nuances of infidelity
There are several types of infidelity, as well as various degrees to which commitment can be damaged. For example, having sexual relations outside of a monogamous relationship is not the same as making yourself accessible to another person to “test out” their romantic interest in yourself. Knowing how to appreciate and recognize these nuances is necessary to have a global and realistic image about the type of problem that is affecting the couple’s relationship
4. When repairing damage, you must move from words to actions
As we have seen, infidelity is a problem because it is incompatible with the element of trust and commitment that must exist in a relationship. That is why we must once again generate mutual commitment, and this cannot be done only through words and promises: we must demonstrate that there is a will to repair the damage and to be worthy of the trust of the other. And for this, objective actions must be carried out that demonstrate them in practice, beyond the world of abstract ideas This should take a while, it’s not something that can take place in a single day.
5. Beware of self-sabotaging thoughts
In cases of infidelity it is relatively easy to fall into irrational thoughts based on fears and obsessions. It is normal to a certain extent (love relationships are based on emotions with a great capacity to “pull” our reasoning processes), but that does not make it any less problematic.
We must try to have as neutral a vision as possible to avoid falling into self-sabotaging thoughts that will tend to keep us in the comfort zone and not face the root of the problem. Examples of these thoughts that bring nothing but problems: “What could I have done to prevent him from being unfaithful?” “Have I been irresponsible by not making it very clear to you that infidelities matter a lot to me?” “What can I do to make him/her fall in love again?”
Are you looking for couples therapy services?
If you are interested in having psychotherapeutic support either to address problems that affect you individually or to overcome a couple crisis, contact us. In Psychoconsulting We have been offering therapy for adults and adolescents for years, and currently we offer sessions both in person (in our center in Barcelona) and online by video call.
