I write this article as a tool for the abused person to identify the weapons that an abusive person can use in order for the victim to forgive them and resume the relationship.
On many occasions, when the person who abuses commits the act of abuse, a series of behaviors occur that can be repeated over time and can be reproduced from one individual to another.
I think it can be useful to provide this material to victims of abuse, so that once the aggression is committed, they keep in mind that these types of strategies can be used by their executioner; This makes it easier to realize that it is actually a modus operandi very common in the profile of abusers, and therefore will increase the chances of preventing these episodes and responding appropriately to them
1. Anger as a response
Many times the abusive person is the one who appears offended and indignant when they see themselves cornered and without arguments to support their defense, seeking with this attitude that it is the victim who ends up assuming responsibility for the acts and apologizing.
2. Gaslight
This strategy consists of making someone doubt their senses, their way of reasoning and even the reality of their actions The person tries to make the victim doubt themselves, presenting false data, denying reality with expressions such as “I didn’t say that”, “that wasn’t how you’re saying it” or “don’t you remember that you started it?” “.
The abuser says that things happened that in reality did not happen with a firmness and security that is usually very credible, so the victim ends up wondering if what she has experienced has really been as she remembers it. She suddenly finds herself thinking “well maybe it’s me, I’m exaggerating” or “I may be right” doubting the facts, her sanity and what she felt. It is a manipulation technique that seeks in the other person the sensation of “I am seeing things where there are none or I am hysterical.” In the end, the victim’s will is annulled and the perception of their reality is distorted , sometimes to such an extent that it is even the victim himself who ends up asking for forgiveness. Thus, the abuser takes advantage of any situation of emotional instability of the abused person to demonstrate his or her psychological vulnerability: “Do you see how upset you are about this nonsense?”; “you’re crazy” “you need to see a psychiatrist” etc.
Well, one of the responses to this technique may be to write down the details of what happened right after the attack, which will help us know what the conflict was like. This way the victim will have more compelling reasons to believe their version of events, even if the other person insists that things did not happen that way.
3. I did it because I love you
Using the concept of “love” as a weapon is also usually very common, and this attempts to convince the victim that the acts committed have been a consequence of the love felt towards them. “I hit you because I got jealous,” “of course, I love you so much that I can’t imagine my life without you,” “if I didn’t care about you so much I wouldn’t get like this,” etc.
Here we must be very clear about “he who loves you well, will make you love yourself” and put aside the ideas that jealousy, possession and control are signs of love.
If someone hits you, they don’t love you If someone makes you feel inferior, they don’t love you. If someone abuses you, he doesn’t love you.
4. Hold the victim responsible for the events
Blaming is another of the most common strategies in the profile of an abusive person after an attack Verbalizations such as: “you asked for it”, “you were just provoking”, “if you already know what I am like, why did you tell me that?” They are usually used so that the abused person ends up believing that it was they who promoted the situation and that they deserved the consequences.
5. Emotional blackmail
This type of strategy consists of a manipulation in which the abusive person threatens the victim with a series of catastrophic consequences What will happen if she doesn’t do what he wants. Messages like “if you leave me, I’m going to kill myself”, “if you don’t come back to me I won’t be responsible for my actions”, “without you I’m nothing”, etc… they usually allude to the victim’s weak points. and they serve to victimize themselves so that, in the end, the abused person feels pity, sorrow or fear and forgives them, because if they didn’t, they would feel guilty.
To act against emotional blackmail you have to be very clear about what they are doing to us. I propose making a list of all those threats that we believe can be used and memorizing it, so that when they occur, you can be aware of the technique that is being used and be able to act.
Show regret and swear and swear that what has happened will not be repeated and that all possible means are going to be used to change.
Here we must be clear that it is the actions that define us, not our words. There is no point in promising a change when a behavior is repeated time after time.
Something very important in all these strategies is time Don’t leave time for them to convince us. If we are clear that the situation is unjustifiable, we have no obligation to wait for them to try to explain their reasons or motives. The more time they are given, the easier it is for our judgment to weaken and their arguments to gain strength, due to the power they have over us. Abuse does not usually happen overnight, and that is why, when it occurs, the victim usually has low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence, which the abuser will always use for their own benefit. That is why it is important not to let them develop their manipulative techniques.
