In essence, self-esteem is (avoiding complicated definitions) the opinion we have of our own person.
One more opinion, neither more nor less, not the only one, but perhaps the most important, since a poor concept of who we are and what we are worth It can seriously affect our emotional life, our behavior, and the way we relate to others.
And this last point is where I want to focus, since even if we have a solid self-esteem, the low self-esteem of other people with whom we eventually have to connect can be the seed for a complicated relationship marked by conflict.
Here are some simple key ideas (taken directly from my clinical experience) to identify impaired self-esteem when we meet someone, start a new job, or project a romantic relationship. The possibilities are many and directly applicable to everyday life.
1. Tendency to be defensive
People with low self-esteem usually go through life showing a submissive and defeatist attitude, or the opposite: they behave in a fussy and belligerent manner. Since they think they are worth little, They live in a permanent war with themselves and with the world.
Take as an example a situation that I witnessed on one occasion. I saw how a man stepped aside from the access door to the bus he was about to board to let a girl pass who was running quickly.
Far from taking the gesture as something positive, she told him, with her best disgusted face: -Will you let me pass because I am a woman? That..? Does being a woman make me inferior? He smiled compassionately and replied: -No. I let you pass because I’m nice.
Those with low self-esteem adhere to rigid and fundamentalist ideas. Feeling part of a larger group or cause helps sustain their fragile sense of self-worth.
They tend to identify with strong political ideologies or impermeable religious beliefs, which they defend to the hilt. This makes them feel powerful as they replace their poor sense of self-esteem with the stronger collective self-esteem of the group they belong to. They adopt the point of view of others as their own, They have little critical judgment and succumb to herd thinking.
Recently, a journalist who was covering a demonstration demanding the legalization of abortion approached a girl with his microphone and asked her about the reasons that had led her to attend the march.
Taken by surprise, doubtful and hesitant, the girl only managed to stammer something that was unintelligible, and then triumphantly proclaim: “Sexual education to decide, contraceptives so as not to abort, and legal abortion so as not to die.”
A cliché that had been repeated in the media for several weeks before.
3. Tendency to mistrust
As they feel inferior to others, many of these people seek to balance this unpleasant feeling by minimizing the capabilities of others, either disqualifying their achievements, or calling into question the prestige or credentials of other people.
Because they feel that they cannot measure up to others, they seek to bring others down to their own level. They are terrified of the possibility of competition or that someone might invade the small space of floor they inhabit.
On one occasion, a psychiatrist with whom I was speaking on the phone about a report I had sent her about a patient we had in common, abruptly interrupted me to ask me something about my professional seal, which appeared at the end of the document I was holding.
“It says “doctor” here,” she told me, clearly annoyed. And the comment was not even remotely related to what we had been talking about. Why do you say “doctor” if you are not a doctor? “Of course I’m a doctor,” I answered slowly, although surprised. “Doctor” is someone who has a doctorate. Let me guess: You call yourself a “doctor” without being one?
Uncomfortable at the mess she had gotten herself into, she mumbled a few more words, quickly said goodbye, and cut the connection, leaving our exchange unfinished.
4. Jealousy
They tend to be controlling and jealous individuals. Not only do they fear competition from others, whom they perceive as a threat, but they are also possessive, in a desperate attempt to secure the loyalty of other people, whom they feel they could lose at any moment.
I remember the case of a patient who during the week had gotten very angry with his partner, because she had posted a profile photo on Instagram in which she was posing in a bikini on the beach.
-Why are you uploading that photo? –he wanted to know, indignant-. Who is that photo for? Who do you want to like? Why don’t you ever post photos of us together?
It was such a scandal that the girlfriend ended up agreeing to replace the “controversial” photo with another one in line with my patient’s insecurities.
