Losing someone through a breakup, because they left you while still in love, is one of the most painful situations. that exist.
The emotional pain experienced is experienced as pain due to death, if the relationship has been very long or intense. In fact, many professionals talk about the same phases of grief.
The discomfort is so extreme that we have the feeling that we cannot continue living, it is very difficult to continue with daily life as before; There are times where you can have a lot of anxiety and people can fall into major depression.
Pain is inevitable. No one can take away your pain. On the other hand, you do you will be able to cope better and, above all, make it last less over time , following these guidelines. They are not easy, I know, but the effort is an investment to recover from this pain as soon as possible.
1. Accept the situation and eliminate hope
If he has left you, if he no longer feels the same way about you, the first step is to accept it. It is very painful, but sometimes it happens that feelings change and there is nothing we can do. Will not return. This is unbearable to think about at first, but only by eliminating hope will you put your ex in the past and you will be able to little by little look to the future a future without him.
If you love him, if you still love him, respect his decision. He doesn’t want to be with you as a couple. That doesn’t mean you’re not important or that you haven’t been, it just means. things have changed, they haven’t disappeared. If you love someone very much, sometimes you have to let them go, no matter how painful it may be.
3. Do not contact or follow him on social networks
And by contact I mean don’t call him, write to him, ask about him… don’t see him in his photos or follow him on social media. If necessary, eliminate him. If it seems aggressive to you explain to him that you need to not see him for your time to get over it.
It is very difficult but behaviors such as seeing their photos, seeing if they are online, if they have more or less followers on social networks, will only hurt you more.
Furthermore, when we fall in love, the levels of oxytocin, the love hormone, increase in our brain. When we see or hear the person we love, these levels of oxytocin increase, which means that bonds and affection will last longer. It is important to stop seeing him.
This is a very difficult point, but it is essential to be able to move forward. The most important to not prolong the suffering. If you can’t do it all at once (most recommended), do it little by little. And if it is not possible for you to stop seeing him because you have children or things in common, do everything possible to keep it to a minimum or find intermediaries in the early stages of separation.
4. Express your emotions, but also talk about other things
It is important to share what you feel with your circle of trust. There will be days when you are very sad, other days you may be angry, other days you may not stop thinking about something, it is important to express it.
The first few days the topic may take up a lot of time, but little by little you have to try not to let it take up everything. It is important to express how you are at the beginning of a conversation and explain the situation or the emotional moment you are in, but after a while try change the subject to try to get a break and disconnect.
5. Don’t idealize him
Try not to romanticize it. It is very common to idealize the ex-partner when they leave us: “I will never find someone like him,” “no one is going to understand me like he did,” etc. This is not real.
You feel all this because you are in love. But the world is full of amazing people. Now the world doesn’t interest you, but try not to idealize your ex and also remember the negative things about him (which I’m sure he had too) to bring him down to earth a little and be as realistic as possible. These ideal thoughts are the result of falling in love.
6. Recover or restructure your routines
Try to recover activities that you like. Don’t be guided by what you feel like, because you won’t feel like anything right now, but even if you don’t feel like it, it’s important to make the effort to do things.
Use the past as a reference. Think about the things you liked before, what things you did or what you have always wanted to do. Recover them and include them in your life.
7. Make plans on the worst days or moments
There will be days or moments that will be more difficult for you. Especially those where you shared more time with the person.
You won’t want anything, but It is important that you occupy those spaces with other activities that do not make the absence so evident. The thoughts and memories will come the same, but by spending time in the worst moments you will feel a little relief and it will provide you with a rest and respite that will be very good for you at this time.
8. Stop asking yourself questions
When someone leaves us, we are often assailed by the questions “why has he stopped loving me like before? Is he with someone else? If I had behaved differently, would it be different now?” questions and more questions that only wear out and cause even greater suffering.
Avoid them, especially blaming questions and negative thoughts. “I should have spent more time with him, maybe I should have supported him more in…”, these types of questions and negative thoughts do not have to correspond to reality and it may be that nothing you would have done would have changed the outcome. Accept that you will not have answers to thousands of questions. Stop looking for answers as soon as possible.
The pain in these situations is very intense, you can even notice it on a physical level: your heart, your chest can hurt… it is normal for you to feel sad, allow yourself to feel this sadness, but do not let it paralyze you.
If you feel that you are stuck in any phase or that any of these guidelines are difficult for you to carry out and you feel that you are not making any progress, ask for help from a psychology professional to accompany you in pain and help you feel better.
Author: Lorena González, Psychologist at Serena PsicologÃa.
