“The human being is the only animal that stumbles twice over the same stone,” said the philosopher Roulet; And sometimes it is difficult for us to learn from our experience. We make the same mistakes over and over again, and we are always disappointed again.
We have all felt disappointed at some point in our lives. It may have been because of a person (including ourselves), because of a situation, or because of society itself. When this happens, we tend to look for blame and immerse ourselves in our pain and thoughts.
However, instead, we could look for possible solutions or think about future benefits that we can learn if we look closely. And why don’t we do it? And how could we? Keep reading this article and you will know what disappointment is, why it is difficult for us to learn from it. and how we can learn from disappointments.
Disappointment is a complex emotion, as it encompasses more primary emotions, such as sadness or anger, along with feelings of dissatisfaction, disappointment and deception. Furthermore, disappointment is defined as the same situation that causes this emotion, which occurs when our expectations, hopes or goals are truncated.
Like all emotions, disappointment is adaptive, as long as it is adjusted to the facts. It helps us reevaluate our expectations and goals based on our experience, which also means changing our decisions and actions. Thus, despite being an unpleasant emotion, it allows us to enjoy ourselves in the future and be able to achieve our goals.
Although at first it seems that disappointment is only caused by the fault of others, we ourselves actually contribute to its appearance, since It is caused by our expectations and our assessment of facts. This does not take responsibility away from another person if they are the one who has disappointed us, far from it.
Expectations and interpretation of what happened, in turn, depend on our basic beliefs, our vision of life and moral values. These three factors determine what we expect from others, from ourselves, and from life in general. As soon as something happens that goes against them, we feel disappointed.
Disappointment can be caused by many events, classifiable depending on who is responsible: disappointment with oneself, when we have very high expectations of ourselves and we do not reach them; with our acquaintances, for example, who has given a lot of themselves, and expects to receive the same effort in return, but it does not happen; and with society, when we believe in a utopia and we feel discouraged with reality.
Why is it difficult for us to learn from a disappointment?
Expectations cloud our reason if they are too high, not allowing us to see the good in the situation. For example, we may focus too much on how we feel and try to fight the reality or emotion, causing ourselves more suffering. It can also happen to us that we focus only on the negative of what has happened and who is to blame, looking for someone to vent our anger on and whether we can feel like victims.
At the same time, we tend to be more destructive than constructive. Whether it is our responsibility or that of others for what has happened, we blame ourselves for having expected so much from the situation and we criticize ourselves harshly, while at the same time we feel angry at others for not having met our unrealistic expectations. all this It can prevent us from analyzing what we can get out of the situation, improve ourselves, and how we can change our expectations..
Sometimes, it is difficult for us to be realistic, and we tend to be somewhat dreamy or have unjustified hope. These ideas often come from social conventions, such as that the family offers unconditional love and care, and that the love of a couple prevails above all. In this way, our expectations are largely modulated by social beliefs, and we find them difficult to change.
How can I learn from disappointments?
In order to learn from disappointments, we need to do a deep analysis of ourselves, our beliefs, values and expectations in general. You can even do it in writing, it will most likely help you to see it on paper. Below I leave you a series of steps to convert disappointment into a constructive emotion that helps you achieve your goals.
If it is not working for you to think over and over again what has happened, it is because you are only focusing on the negative without a constructive vision. Don’t look for more culprits, and If the problem no longer has a solution and you don’t have the opportunity to get what you wanted, there is no point in continuing to think about it. and build castles in the air.
If you only focus on your thoughts and emotions, you will only achieve double the suffering, exhaustion and frustration. Remember that you did not have all the information before what happened, so it is possible that you could not foresee it even if you wanted to.
We cannot change the past, but we can control the future to some extent. Accept what happened, without harshly judging yourself or others. Give yourself some time too, because every disappointment is a small mourning for something that we hoped to have or took for granted that we were not going to lose.
2. Analyze the situation objectively
Once the previous step has been completed, analyze the situation more calmly. The disappointment may not be as great as you thought, there may not have been intentional betrayal or harm on the part of anyone, or you may even have managed to meet part of your expectations and objectives, even if it is not to the level you originally expected. . It doesn’t matter a stone.
3. Think about how you can avoid disappointment in the future
The previous two steps are not learning as such, but they do allow you to carry out the following steps and learn through them. For example, now that you see the situation objectively, think about how you can do it differently in the future. Keep in mind that the future can be unpredictable and we are only in control of our actions and decisionsin addition to moderating our thoughts and expectations to a certain extent.
Work with these factors and consider what would happen if you experienced the same disappointment again. Would you do everything the same? Have you changed your expectations about that person or that goal? How could you prevent the disappointment itself, the event, from occurring? These are just some questions you have to ask yourself, the others depend on the disappointment you have experienced.
You may have realized with the previous step that your biggest mistake was having created very high expectations. Because we have a single way of seeing things, we tend to think that others will do and think everything the same as us, and that they are the same way, but nothing could be further from the truth. Each person has their own idiosyncrasies. This vision creates expectations for us about others that will never be met.
Furthermore, if we depend on others one hundred percent to be happy, our expectations of others will be very high. If we cannot make ourselves happy, our only source of happiness will be our acquaintances.and considering that we cannot control them, it is easy for them not to meet our expectations.
It’s also important to adjust expectations about ourselves. There is a belief that we always have to be our best version, but we have to be aware of our own capabilities and limits, and not push ourselves too far above them. Being able to develop as people, but respecting our characteristics and rhythm.
5. Look for new ways to get what you want
If the disappointment is about someone else, you may have to be assertive. People cannot know your needs if you do not expressly tell them, not even when you consider them very basic (sometimes you have to make things easier and not assume that they understand you). Be understanding of this person’s limitations, they may not be empathetic enough to have assumed what you needed or they may not have known how to give it to you.
On the other hand, if you are the one who has disappointed yourself, allow yourself to make mistakes, we all make mistakes from time to time, that makes us human. And most importantly, don’t let disappointment limit your life. If you have not met your expectations the last time, now that you are going to adjust them to your abilities to develop them little by little, it is more likely that you will succeed on the next try. Try again despite the fear.
