What it Means to Be Defensive and How to Avoid it

Being defensive is a behavior that does not usually have positive consequences for the person who carries it out or for those around them. Those who act defensively often behave this way due to primal fears and insecurities. Although the purpose of this behavior is to defend yourself and protect yourself from being hurt, in reality the only thing this achieves is that the people around you distance themselves from you because of your hurtful behaviors.

In the following PsychologyFor article we are going to explain What it means to be defensive and how to avoid it We will tell you what this type of behavior is due to, the consequences it causes and how to redirect it towards another type of more friendly behavior.

Meaning of being defensive

Being defensive means being alert and constantly monitoring our surroundings with obsessive intention to anticipate and defend oneself from any blow or attack from outside. People who are defensive live with the irrational idea that they are constantly in danger and must defend themselves at all times. To protect themselves, they attack before being attacked as a defense against what they believe is going to happen.

Some examples of being defensive would be the following:

• Verbally attacking the interlocutor.
• Make use of strong irony.
• Use denial.
• Make it look like everything is perfect even if this is not the reality.
• Show high degrees of distrust.
• Fearful, avoidant and/or avoidant behaviors.

How to tell if a person is defensive

A person who is usually defensive surely has an open emotional wound that he does not recognize and, therefore, often does not realize that he is unfairly attacking those around him. Surely, he will manifest the following symptoms:

• doesn’t listen to others or gives the impression that he does not.
• use many excuses
• Explain the causes of the problems to justify your behavior.
• Blame others for your attitude.
• He doesn’t like being told “you did the same thing.”
• Focuses more on other people’s mistakes than yours.
• He tends to interpret everything others say as he wants.
• Feeling that your personal integrity is constantly under attack and will react accordingly.
• Perceives the behavior of others as intrusion into personal space
• Hypersensitivity problem that pushes you to defend yourself from everything. If you want to know how to react in these situations, we recommend reading this article on how to treat a highly sensitive person.

Why does defensiveness appear?

The defensive attitude appears for reasons as varied as how many people use said defensive mechanism. What they all have in common is the fact that they have a strong wound in the depths of the soul This wound causes a strong attitude of distrust towards people and the world in general. This lack of trust leads people to remain hypervigilant about any possible danger that may arise.

The constant fear of being hit again, just as they experienced in a past situation. It causes this attack behavior that allows you to defend yourself from possible attacks, even before they occur. Some life experiences that can lead to defensive behavior they could be:

• Physical abuse during childhood.
• Negligence and abandonment of parents.
• Authoritarian parenting.
• Bullying school or work.
• Gender violence.

If you want to know more, in this article you will see why there are distrustful people and how to deal with them.

Consequences of being defensive

Being defensive conveys to others that you don’t want them to get too close to you. Therefore, one of the main consequences of being defensive is that people end up getting tired of this behavior distrustful and they end up walking away and take distance.

Those who try to relate to people who are defensive find it difficult to understand why, every time they try to get closer, they hit them, make fun of them, protect themselves or they flee from the situation By not knowing the deep causes of their behavior and not understanding it as a defensive fear mechanism, after insisting to a greater or lesser extent, they end up abandoning their attempts to establish a relationship with said people.

Thus, the fact of being defensive means that people who use this defensive mechanism use the rejection behavior of their interlocutors to corroborate that the world and the people who inhabit it are not trustworthy. In this way, they strengthen their defensive mechanism and distrust of others.

How to avoid being defensive

What to do if I’m always on the defensive? It is important to learn to trust in life and in human beings. Fear is the fundamental reason that leads to creating this defensive armor and walking the path wielding shield and sword. The first step to get out of this dynamic is learn to trust yourself and surround yourself with an environment that transmits affection and protection. This will help you establish a new foundation on which to create much more constructive, positive and enriching life strategies.

If you want to stop being defensive, don’t miss these recommendations:

• Recognize the physical signs of defensiveness: This type of reaction allows you to escape from a certain situation or fight against it. In other words, the body shows physical signs when entering a state of increasing tension and we must learn to be aware of them.
• Breath deeply: To counteract the physical “fight or flight” reaction, try calming the nervous system by breathing slowly and controlled. Calm down before doing or saying something.
• Do not interrupt: The act of interrupting someone to question or criticize a passage in their speech indicates a defensive attitude. This attitude is useless and makes you seem insecure and stubborn.
• Ask if you can continue the conversation another time: If emotions are too strong to interact rationally, consider saying goodbye and asking your interlocutor to resume the discussion later.
• Find a way to overcome stress: When you are defensive, the body is under great stress. Calm down and try to relax and release tension. In this article you will find information on how to manage stress and anxiety.
• Banish the word “but”: When you are defensive, you tend to start sentences with “but” to prove others wrong. It is not a simple conjunction, but a mental barrier because it tells your interlocutor that you do not care about his opinions or that you do not intend to consider them.
• Ask your interlocutor to explain better: Instead of getting nervous, ask him/her questions, ask him/her to be more precise about the opinion and criticism he/she offers you.
• Do not react by launching more criticism: If you learn to accept criticism from others, you will develop a more reflective and open attitude, but you will also be able to acquire greater self-control.
• Don’t take things personally: Try to give others the benefit of the doubt and don’t consider criticism directed at you as personal attacks.
• Listen to what others say: Having empathy means being able to put yourself in another person’s shoes and understand their mood and feelings. However, to be able to do this, you need to know how to listen.
• Avoid passing judgment: To connect with the person in front of you, you must temporarily put your opinions and judgments aside until you finish the interaction.
• Rephrase your interlocutor’s speech: If you want to listen to another person and understand what they have to say, participate actively, but with respect.
• Make your interlocutor understand that you heard him: Reiterate what he has told you so that he realizes that you have been able to listen, understand and appreciate the importance of what you have told each other, even if the problem has not yet been resolved.

Of course, stopping being defensive is not an easy task. If you want to achieve it, you will have to work at it, but few rewards will be greater than learning to trust yourself and others.

This article is merely informative, at PsychologyFor we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

If you want to read more articles similar to What it means to be defensive and how to avoid it we recommend that you enter our Emotions category.