5 Steps To Resolve Conflicts With Emotional Intelligence
When we think about conflicts, our minds go to the great ‘problems’ of humanity: diplomatic crises, wars, class struggles, religious confrontations, etc.
But Conflict is also part of the life of any ‘ordinary’ person: It is something inherent to the human being just for the fact of living. From the moment we get up until we go to bed we encounter various conflicts throughout the day.
A conflict is a confrontation, a disagreement between two or more parties. We can say that there are two main reasons why conflicts are activated: when each of the parties to the conflict has a different need that clashes with the need that the other or others have; and when one tries to make the other see a situation from his or her perspective and perception without taking into account that the same ‘reality’ will surely be perceived by the other in a different way based on his or her beliefs and values.
Whatever the reason for the conflict, the discomfort that arises from the lack of understanding generates in the opposing parties. frustration, anger and even rage that sometimes trigger inappropriate actions (screams, reproaches, bad gestures…) that prevent the resolution of the conflict and aggravate it.
But conflicts do not only occur between people (in couples, between bosses and employees, between siblings, etc.), but we must not also forget about internal conflicts that are exactly the same: a person has to choose between two needs and is unable to reach an agreement without frustration (go for a run or stay on the couch; start late work or continue entertaining yourself on the Internet, etc.).
Traditionally, whatever the type of conflict, They are usually faced in one of these 3 ways
1. Avoidance
Ignore it, let it go, thinking that the conflict will go away on its own. In reality it remains stagnant, it grows and generates toxicity.
2. Confrontation
Give vent to anger and confrontation to vent frustration. But the truth is that Even if one of the parties is victorious and the conflict seems to be over, collateral damage has been generated which, in turn, will create new problems.
3. Negotiation (dialogue)
See what party A and party B want and establish an agreement in which both parties achieve a win-win (the well-known win to win). We both win, but neither takes the big victory Although there is some discontent about not ‘winning more’, the negotiation does not generate collateral damage as in the previous case.
How to take a conflict to negotiation from Emotional Intelligence
Taking these three points into account, the key to achieving intelligent conflict resolution is to confront them through dialogue and negotiation.
The problem is that the lack of knowledge in the management of emotions (what would be called a lack of Emotional Intelligence), causes people to not know how to channel the conflict into negotiation without first leading to one of the other points of resolution.
Below, we point out 5 key steps that you can follow to resolve conflicts by applying Emotional Intelligence.
1. Identify the problem, what is generating the conflict
We are not referring to identifying the sensation it generates (discomfort, anger, sadness…), but rather What is the problem that is really the basis of the conflict? Imagine that in a shared apartment the two people argue constantly because one always leaves his things in the way and the other person is too demanding when it comes to having everything in their place. It is clear that the central problem here is order in the house.
It may be the most important step of all: many conflicts are not resolved because this step is completely ignored. It is convenient to eliminate barriers and communicate with our interlocutor (or with ourselves) from a kind and blameless perspective
In the example of the conflict between roommates over order, speaking to the other person with kindness and respect would be something like: “You are a person who collaborates quickly whenever I ask you, but sometimes…”, instead to ‘attack’ directly with “it’s just that you always leave everything a mess and don’t worry about anything.”
3. Find the right time and place
If the anger is at stratospheric levels, there is accumulated fatigue, or we find ourselves in the middle of the street, it is not the time to try to negotiate.
We must wait for the occasion in which the parties are receptive because, if not, the communication will be of no use. But do not confuse waiting with avoiding You don’t have to let the days go by, but the hours.
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4. Look for the common positive intention
Behind the needs of each person in conflict, there is a common positive intention and you have to look for it. You have to ask yourself ‘why’.
Continuing with our example of the roommates, the problem that generates the conflict is order. One of them is disordered and the other is orderly and that is where the conflict arises. But what leads one to be disordered and another not? In both cases, the positive intention is to feel comfortable at home: the messy person lives comfortable with chaos and the orderly person wants everything tidied up to feel relaxed where he lives.
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Once the previous steps have been completed, it will be possible to reach this negotiation point. Both parties may give in a little so that the positive intention of each one, their need, is satisfied and the conflict is resolved
Thus, in the case of our roommates, we can reach an agreement to try to maintain maximum order in common areas such as the living room or kitchen, but each person can maintain the order that each one wishes in their room and bathroom. .
In conclusion…
These steps are very simple and tremendously effective in ending arguments and conflicts of all kinds without creating others and without increasing frustrations, but the problem is that The development of Emotional Intelligence, key to successfully fulfilling these goals, is still a pending subject for a large part of the population
In our school, emotional intelligence is studied in most of our training so that our students become people who are not enslaved by their emotions and are able to manage conflicts effectively.
