“Until death do us part” This command reinforces the fantasy of lovers that the other cannot desire anyone else Thus, the illusion is taken for granted that love is chained to desire, seeking a static permanence in time.
However, this is not possible, one does not stop wishing no matter how much in love one is. For insecure people, the fact that the desire continues to circulate is frustrating and can generate many conflicts in the couple. But we have terrible news, nothing can be done. Desire will continue its course whether we like it or not.
We are not stating that it is impossible to be faithful, nor justifying the unfaithful act. If there is something in human beings that makes us special, it is our ability to choose, with which each person will have to take charge of what they want. Being able to understand how ties work outside of a moral perspective calls us to recognize the fragility of our ties, with the aim of demanding less from ourselves and caring for them more.
It is commonly thought that infidelity places emphasis on love and desire, as if these were two affections that go hand in hand, but in reality they have profound differences On the one hand, desire arises intermittently, following an impulse and seeks immediate satisfaction (reduction of the tension it generates); once satisfied, it disappears to reappear later, with the same person or with another. Desire is nourished by lack, that is, a loss can be the engine of a new capacity to desire.
Love, on the other hand, rejoices in the bond and longs for permanence over time. There the loss produces the opposite effect, experiences of collapse, feeling strange about the absence, etc. That is, desire and love are not the same thing. It is usually thought that the lover chains her desire permanently to the loved one, when the truth is that the desire does not allow itself to be captured and continues its journey no matter how much someone is in love.
Therefore, the command “may it last forever” reveals the banal search for an impossible certainty. Because love does not bring fidelity in addition. In fact, there is nothing natural about human relationships, they are a cultural construction Starting from that base, we can think about the individuality of each person, crossed by their history, and in those margins the ways of approaching couple agreements.
Can you come back from an infidelity?
Generally suffering from infidelity generates enormous pain. The feeling that something has broken is inevitable, courage and self-confidence are undermined. Deception produces a narcissistic wound and that leaves consequences, because these wounds never fully heal. Therefore, that person will have to learn to live with the false illusion of not having been able to be everything for the other.
Under these conditions, can a couple try again after infidelity? It must be said in the first instance that each subject is unique, there are couples that can rebuild after hard work and there are others that cannot even try and separate
But there is a third group, which is the worst of all, those who cannot resolve what happened and yet remain together. They remain in a relationship that has an enormous level of tension, reproaching each other for what happened even many years later, with the anguish and anger that arises at the slightest argument.
Retrying a relationship after infidelity is possible, but it requires deep personal sincerity to be able to recognize whether or not someone can trust again. And if, despite doing our best, we realize that the pain does not stop, simply saying: I can’t is an option. In that case, it is always better to separate than to support at any cost a couple that is no longer what it was and has no chance of recovering happiness
Conclusions
Trying to understand the phenomenon of infidelity does not imply that it is justified On the contrary, it is when we stop thinking about the moral perspective of our romantic relationships and can recognize the fragility of our ties, that perhaps we can demand less of ourselves and care for them more.
The way one relates to others and the choices one makes are conditioned from somewhere in one’s own history. But does this take away responsibility for the unfaithful act? No way. A person, (Freud said), is responsible even for what he dreams.
Authors: Julieta Pepa and Gabriela Cirillo, Lic. in Psychology, specialists in adult clinics, caring for patients around the world. Founders, from the couch, online service space.
