Relationship Conflicts Give The Opportunity To Strengthen The Relationship

A good indicator of the degree of emotional maturity that we have achieved is in the way in which we approach relationship conflicts, both in dating relationships and in marriages. And knowing how to relate to a person we love is not something significantly different from establishing a healthy relationship with our own emotions; Both processes follow similar logic, in the same way that caring for others has a lot to do with emotional self-care.

However, we must not forget that no one is born knowing. It is normal, and even expected, that we spend a good part of our love life without being totally mature people on a psychological level; This is something that should not make us feel guilty, as long as we know how to see it as an inconvenience and a sign that there is an aspect of ourselves that we can improve. In this sense, Relationship conflicts can be a good opportunity to strengthen that love relationship and, incidentally, learn to establish more appropriate links with others and with ourselves.

Why relationship conflicts are opportunities to strengthen the love bond

If we have a very simplistic perspective about what loving relationships are, it will seem to us that not arguing is always good, and that the act of arguing is always a sign that something is not right. This way of seeing things is based on the idea that the affective and emotional connection with someone we love is something that appears spontaneously, something to which we limit ourselves to reacting and, in any case, taking note of the warning signs. in the event that they occur. As if the myth of the better half were something that corresponds to reality and our love life was limited to finding the right person, nothing more.

In reality, all healthy relationships go through times when both parties argue. And it is normal that this is the case, given that when you live with someone for months or years, and when there are also many future plans and emotions at stake in that relationship, The simple fact of being two people with slightly different interests, personalities and beliefs already creates a context conducive to occasional arguments Not openly expressing disagreements or the feeling of frustration that will appear from time to time is, in fact, a way of causing problems to accumulate and the relationship being tainted by a lack of communication.

Taking this into account, let’s see how we can take advantage of couple conflicts to distance ourselves from what happened and, together, reformulate some problematic dynamics that had been occurring in coexistence or in communication between the two, thus strengthening the bond. This is how these “clashes” of points of view allow the couple’s relationship to improve:

1. They give rise to creating future plans compatible with both people

It may be that behind these moments of conflict there is a clash of ideas deeper than it seems; something that was scary to express and that emerges to the surface in the form of veiled reproaches, hints, etc For example: wanting or not wanting to have children, going to live in another city or staying…

Being able to detect these pieces of valuable information and not make it seem as if nothing had happened allows us to seek a better fit for the future plans of both, pointing out that if this topic has appeared in the middle of the discussion it is because it is given importance and there is something that must be spoken properly. Of course, since they are important conversations, it is best not to address them immediately at a time when you are both angry; It is advisable to let a few hours pass and, in any case, agree on a time and place to talk about it.

2. They give the opportunity to address taboo topics

Even if no one has indirectly talked about a topic you hadn’t noticed before, if you feel that it is taboo and may have something to do with the health of your relationship, it is good to let the other person know. For example: sexual dissatisfaction, the mental health of the other person or your own, etc.

However, If the other person clearly says that it has nothing to do with what caused the argument or disagreement, do not force that topic of conversation at that moment ; can be seen as an excuse to change the subject. In any case, use that precedent to talk about it another time, since according to your point of view it is relevant.

3. They teach the importance of letting go of the past in relationships

It is clear that each person’s past is important when it comes to understanding their way of thinking in the present, their values ​​and priorities, and maybe even their personality. Now, that does not mean that a relationship conflict is the appropriate context in which to make reproaches about reprehensible behavior that you had in the past.

The most important is create together an awareness that you both can change for the better, and this involves committing to discuss, trying to make criticisms focused on the central point of the conflict, instead of throwing criticism at each other about things from the past that have nothing to do with it. In this way, even seeing that at that moment you are going through a conflict, you will notice that you continue investing efforts in creating a context conducive to talking about things and seeking a solution together.

4. They focus on the need to develop assertiveness

There is a big difference between a couple’s argument in which ego fighting prevails, on the one hand, and a couple’s conflict in which both of you are assertive, on the other. It is not a matter of repressing emotions, far from it, but of channeling them to show the other person how much what happened hurts you, something that motivates you to seek concrete solutions.

5. They teach that arguing is not the same as fighting

As I said, arguing is normal. What’s more, it is necessary to prevent relationship problems from getting bigger and bigger even though you don’t talk about it. The key is not to sweep everything under the rug, but to have an open dialogue about what excites and disappoints you about your relationship, what makes you feel calm and what makes you afraid. The important thing is to talk about the specific actions that each person performs and that can be more or less improved or avoidable, instead of attacking the person and showing in our way of speaking (and communicating non-verbally) that we expect from the person. another who also “fights” with us.

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If you are looking for psychological assistance for couples, contact me.

Am Natalia Bacaicoa General Health Psychologist with many years of experience in intervention in marital and dating crises, and I offer my services both in my office and online via video call.