What a joy it is when, after so much waiting or searching, we have finally found that word that, as soon as it is mentioned, our mouths fill and our hearts shrink, the word “love”.
Once the relationship is formalized and having gone through the three vertices of the Sternberg triangle (intimacy, passion and commitment), more or less successfully, we feel that everything is going according to our desires (or at least that’s what we want to believe).
What happens then, when we decide to add one more variant to the equation of our love? That is, when we decide to convert a simple equation of the first degree into a more complex equation of the second degree, therefore making the unresolved problems with our partner more complex, in addition to combining them with the new ones that taking care of a newly arrived little person entails. to this world and that turns “upside down” all our planning and idea of control that we had until that moment.
What can we do when we feel overwhelmed, when this famous Sternberg equilateral triangle is breaking down: we lose intimacy with our partner (or our desire for them) and/or we decide not to follow through with the commitment and/or the passion emits a great shine for his absence?
Let’s go back in time to the exact moment when you see your partner for the first time, or better, at the moment when we feel that little arrow in our heart and we begin to see that person in a different way than until that moment we saw them. .
Later, when we think that the relationship can get better and we decide to live together or get married or both, life begins to be fantastic, overcoming that great little obstacle such as living together. Once we have adapted to each other, in the best possible way, we continue enjoying the relationship
We have our personal space, our space for the couple, sex as if it were a plate of beans and chorizo, we savor it when we feel like it. We schedule what day to go to the movies, outings with friends, our weekend getaways, our vacations and even where to spend Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve. We think that life is wonderful and we are in Paradise, and that nothing and no one can cloud this moment of the relationship in which we find ourselves.
This phase is characterized by passion and the active search for intimacy with our partner and it also seems to be something reciprocal on the other side.
Like a video game… We advance to the next screen
There comes a time when, after a period of time in the previous phase (it could be months or years), one of the two (usually she) or both, decides or decide to take things to another level: break the monotony, move on. the next screen, in the form of increasing the number of the family unit with a small offspring. The commitment to the couple is strong at this point.
It may also be that the decision to increase the number of family members occurs because, after the previous phase, one or both of them realize the deterioration of the relationship and think (one or both) that the solution is to have a baby; because that will be the glue that unites the broken pieces that coexistence and monotony have been causing.
It may happen that it is an unforeseen accident and suddenly, everything changes, everything has been a “bug” in the video game and this “bug” drags us to the next screen, without having prepared ourselves for this new level of more difficulty to which we have been inexorably dragged.
Be that as it may, the pregnancy continues normally, everything is fine within the surrogate mother, thank God. Outside the womb, even with the typical fears of first-time parents, you walk as best you can along the steps of the relationship, arguing more or less, but moving forward.
Hello! I am Chaos personified and I have come to stay
Finally, the day of delivery arrives, we have that little person in our arms. We are very scared, but it is also the happiest day of our lives.
The non-pregnant couple has witnessed the birth and has seen the pregnant mother suffer, scream, cry, sweat. She has experienced all this suffering of childbirth and recovery firsthand, putting her pain first thanks to the meaning that bringing and knowing her child has given her.
As time goes by, we see how we have less and less time for ourselves we don’t have time for our small daily pleasures, nor for our small pleasures as a couple.
We lose intimacy, not having the opportunity to carry out the activities that we did together with our partner (such as movies, going out, sex…).
We can see here how, in an inversely non-proportional way, reproaches, arguments and shouting increase, among other things, with the partner, and all this with a background melody in the form of continuous crying on some occasions and intermittent at intervals. irregular (which is how most desperate), on other occasions.
Our idea of control, the planning we had in mind before the arrival of our baby has gone to waste we feel overwhelmed, we don’t know what to do, we are more irascible, everything bothers us more.
Why does this happen?
Having a child entails a multitude of responsibilities for which a person is not prepared, especially as first-time parents. Having the support of the couple is very important, because to paraphrase Donal Winnicott, the physical and psychological support of the surrogate mother for the child is very important, but so is the support of the other part of the couple. the mother, so that she can better perform the role of support for the child.
This is usually where these problems arise that can end up triggering, among other things, the renunciation of continuing to maintain that relationship or maintain it, but look for parallel relationships, and a long etcetera that only add another nail to the coffin of the relationship.
Caring for that little person who came into the world by mutual agreement between the couple already entails great wear and tear on the relationship: the division of the responsibilities of the new family member and household chores, lack of sleep, increased fatigue …
This type of wear, if it occurs in a pair, as if it were a boat, which was already leaking water from various sides, if we include this great weight, it will make it sink more easily.
When one of the two was the one who wanted to have the baby, reproaches, passive-aggressive responses are more likely to arise and, finally, end up exploding in the form of constant shouting and arguments; Well, all this is well watered with water in the shape of constant cries and demands of the small infant to the pregnant mother which does nothing but further undermine this already worn-out relationship.
The same thing happens when trying to fix a relationship that was broken and you have a child with the intention of keeping yourself busy and thus forgetting about the usual arguments. What usually happens here? Well, those problems that the couple “forgets” become “entrenched” as if they were a tumor, and in the end, the relationship ends up mortally wounded (if it wasn’t already before deciding to get pregnant); exploding like an erupting volcano, shouting in each other’s faces, insulting each other with anger, and all this in the presence of the infant, who, although he does not understand, does feel the energy that those discussions emanate and affect his development, among other things.
The fundamental thing to keep in mind, for a relationship to work, is that there is good communication, talk about all the difficulties and/or problems support each other, and have trust in the other person.
Look for something that satisfies you and helps you relax, in order to reduce the levels of overwhelm and saturation caused by stress (drinking coffee with friends, buying something you like…), looking for something to do as a couple to strengthen our relationship, increasing intimacy, since it is the one that takes the biggest blows from day to day and it is necessary to strengthen it so that it can easily resist the onslaught of parenthood (enjoying a movie together, eating out…).
It would be very good not to make the mistake of canceling oneself and “drying up” the relationship, all for the good of the child, because what is achieved here is to grow a discomfort that in the end ends up turning against the son or daughter. .
You end up taking responsibility and blaming that little person for not having time for yourself, or doing anything together as a couple. This rejection grows within us over time, when the responsibility is ours at all times when we decide to put ourselves in the background and put the little one first.
The healthiest thing, once the basic needs of the offspring are covered, is look for our small pleasures that help us “breathe” and face the next day with strength and resistance without seeing ourselves with less and less strength and feeling like “zombies” in life.
This is why you have to pamper yourself, and water your relationship like you water a plant, without all this having to be detrimental to the care of the minor.
recommendations
As I mentioned, finding something that helps you enjoy and disconnect yourself and your relationship is essential: relaxation techniques, increased communication between the couple, resolving parental conflicts in an effective and efficient way…
If you feel that you cannot or do not know how to commit or commit to your partner, if you do not know how to be intimate with your partner again, nor do you know how to do any of the things mentioned at the beginning of this section, go to a professional It is a highly recommended alternative.
