Relationships are a world apart. In our relationships with our classmates, coworkers, and friends we are more relaxed, but when it comes to love as a couple we have so many expectations placed on each other and so many more that society imposes on us, that we get stressed.
When we contract we lose our internal compass, we stop being present , our clarity goes down the drain and we go into survival mode: fight, flight, or immobility. None of the three reactions is healthy for our mind and heart.
What do we do when we expect something from the other that does not arrive? What to do when we doubt our love for the other person? What do we do when we discover that we are living the love story that our family or culture dictated to us? What to do when we don’t feel valued by our partner?
When my clients share these questions with me, the first thing I ask them is to stop looking with a microscope at whoever is next to them and let them start looking at themselves Where does this insecurity come from? Where do these mandates come from? What are they willing to do? What do they have to be responsible for?
Maybe you discover that when you were little, your parents couldn’t be as close to you as you needed and now your demands reflect the needs of the child you were and not your adult self. Maybe when you were younger you were betrayed or made fun of and now you have a hard time trusting the other person. Maybe you discover that you are in your relationship because in the society where you operate, that is seen favorably but… Do you want to act out someone else’s script or be the protagonist of your own life? Maybe you feel like something is missing from your relationship because you have a history of unions with more drama. Maybe you were raised to sweep everything under the rug and now you don’t know how to express what you need. Maybe you are asking the other person to make you happy simply because you are not doing enough to be happy beyond him or her.
These are some of the root causes of insecurity in the couple Working with a professional will help you discover yours.
Delving into vulnerabilities
I am working on this topic with a client who is constantly observing and dissecting his partner. The other day, surprised at himself, he shared with me how excited he felt because he had started a new hobby that was doing him great good. Beyond his new hobby, he feels more liberated, calm, and focused on his personal growth. Instead of confusing you with questions about what the other person feels, does, or doesn’t do, he starts with you.
Strengthen yourself and fall in love with yourself first and foremost Prioritize your values and your needs and do everything necessary to live aligned with them.
If you value your peace of mind, do everything you know that calms you and don’t get caught up in anything that takes away your peace. If you need recognition, remind yourself of how much you are worth and everything you have achieved. If it is important to you to lead a healthy life, take care of your body and mind. Remember that the way out is always within you. Once you are radically faithful, veils will begin to fall and you will unfold your inner confidence.
Also note that If you strive to do your best, but that is not well received, perhaps it is time to rethink whether you want to spend your energy that way In couples it usually happens that one is the one who seeks and the other is the one sought. He who seeks is always attentive, attentive, and even worried to a greater or lesser extent. He who is persecuted usually settles on his pedestal until a day comes when he gets bored. If you are on that frequency, ask yourself if you want to be chasing the other all the time or if you prefer to find your forgotten “I”. And if you are on the podium of those admired, think about whether you don’t feel like getting down and becoming a real being with your strengths and weaknesses.
In a healthy relationship both people will be able to:
Remember that your energy will go where you put your focus of attention , and that this will influence your emotions and your behaviors. Strengthen your self-love, unlearn behaviors that do not add up to your relationship, work with your emotions, approach the other person with calm and honesty, and together begin to design each day of your relationship with great intention.
