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Relationship arguments are one of the most exhausting experiences of our lives In any type of relationship, arguments arise from anger, disappointment or insecurity, they exhaust you and lead you towards discouragement. In couple or family relationships they make us feel especially vulnerable, since they are very close ties and where we share not only well-being, but personal identity. What makes people argue so much? Can discussions be managed? How to stop them?
One of the biggest mistakes we make with arguments is believing that they are inevitable. We think that arguments arise because the other is unfair (a value judgment towards the other), because we lose control, due to incompatibilities or because we feel disappointed or that they attack you. But these are actually interpretations that prevent us from delving into the problem.
Arguments are really avoidable, but to do so, you must first delve into why they occur and what needs to change in you (we cannot control the other person) so that they stop happening.
That’s what all personal change is about: learning about yourself, getting to know yourself, and applying the necessary changes so that that unpleasant situation ends forever. That is what we are going to see in this article: why arguments occur, what is the underlying psychological problem, and how can we manage that root and prevent them
This problem is very common not only in our daily life but also in psychological consultation. In cases where I assist people in their change processes as a psychologist and coach where they have this problem, we discover that the difficulty is actually not in the discussions, but in what motivates them. Today we are going to try to make the first step in that process of change for you reading this article. Let’s go for it!
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The origin of the discussions
Every argument appears due to an episode of anger. Anger is an unpleasant emotion and above all active, since it implies great energy on your part and mobilizes you to act. Anger leads us to raise our hands, move quickly, increase the volume of our voice and be in a defensive position or even go on the attack (with ironies, accusations, reprimands, etc.).
The mere fact of letting ourselves be carried away by anger makes us feel that we are right, that what we think is exactly what happens… but our emotion is the result of what you interpret to happen, not reality
Anger always arises for a simple reason: you don’t like something that has happened and you want to change it. In turn, wanting to change what happens (or taking action against the other person, which is why we argue) implies that you want to be in control. And wanting to be in control, in a deeper way, is related to the fear of losing control.
We feel anger because we are afraid of feeling vulnerable Anger is a form of active fear. When situations escape your control because the other person acts in a way that makes you feel insecure or vulnerable, anger appears as a control system. But it rarely works. Anger only causes arguments, more and more arguments, and ends up being a frequent behavior and mode of relationship that vitiates those relationships, wears them out, and often causes them to end.
The couple is where they occur most frequently. Because?
Anger and arguments in the context of the couple
In a relationship we experience well-being, an intimate bond, we dissolve in the other, and through that union we share a well-being that never depends 100% on you, since there are two people involved. For this reason, and as the relationship progresses, fears, insecurities, mechanisms to try to validate what we believe may happen, expectations and demands arise. As a result of the need to have control of our relationships (couple or not), arguments arise.
Arguments are never useful. The useful thing is to learn to set a clear limit when you do not want to receive a certain type of behavior (which can also be verbal). Boundaries help you communicate what you want, what you don’t, what you can, what you can’t, etc. Limits are necessary, but Arguments are usually a consequence of precisely not knowing how to set limits in time (in addition to not knowing how to understand and manage our fears and insecurities).
Any type of conflict or discussion then arises for a basic reason: a difficulty in understanding and managing what you feel, which in turn conditions what you interpret and ultimately your behavior. These types of emotions (fear, insecurity, anger, frustration, even guilt) can be very sticky and condition our relationships, damaging them. How to get out of the vicious circle?
I am going to give you 5 keys that represent a process of personal change for you. It is essential to work with each of these steps so that the problem is left behind, and not only do you stop arguing, but the anger reduces in intensity, frequency and duration with which you will gain quality of life, calm, acceptance and security.
The necessary change (to stop arguing)
We cannot control relationships, nor the other. But you can learn to understand and manage what you feel, how you value it, how you approach your relationships, what leads you to argue, in such a way that the change occurs in you and you live with more peace and acceptance, in order to live your dreams. relationships from calmness and with a greater degree of awareness (from there, you will be able to make the right decisions). There are five fundamental steps.
Before seeing them, remember that at Human Empowerment you have the possibility of scheduling a first exploratory session with me (you can also access it from my author profile in psychology and mind). In this session, which we can have through Whatsapp, we can get to know each other, delve deeper into your problem, find a solution and see how I can accompany you in your process and ensure that you achieve the change you need 100%. Important: it is a real psychological consultation, so it is important that you really want to solve what is happening to you.
First: understand what you feel
Human beings usually react automatically in relation to what we feel. However, Our emotions are a result of what you have interpreted, how we understand situations, and above all, how we manage them (always from our behavior). When we begin to better understand what your emotions want to tell you, you can see situations with greater openness, which softens the anger and the argument does not come.
Second: learn to manage it
Learning to understand and manage your emotions is a change that will serve you for your entire life, not just for now or for your relationships However, the way to manage your emotions is not through a reflective process or a course, but through your own actions. Our behaviors are what manage emotions so that they are more intense, frequent or lasting. Learning to manage your emotions will help you generate more acceptance, security, calm and confidence. This is what we learn in a process of personal change, since all change always occurs from emotion (we are emotional beings and they condition us in everything we do and think).
Third: work with your communication
Our way of communicating (if it is more imperative, opaque, inclusive, etc.) generates difficulties when connecting with others, and hence more arguments arise. In turn, your communication is a form of verbal action, which affects certain emotions and revalues them A change in this part will generate a different sensation that will gradually help you manage what you feel.
Fourth: revalue your concept of a couple
Relationships are very subjective, while we live in a globalized world, where we are sold an ideal romantic relationship that is not realistic. When you delve deeper into what a partner means to you, you can discover a lot and get to know yourself better Where do you build your relationships from? From trust or from the need for security?
Fifth: Set limits (both personal and to others)
Establishing clear boundaries helps us prevent arguments But these limits should not only be on the other, but also on you (in relation to what you can or cannot address, solve, etc.). When we don’t set limits we feel much more exhausted and arguments have a more unpleasant effect.
The process goes further
These five steps are part of a much deeper process of change, and at the same time practical, with which you can stop arguing forever (not getting angry, since this is natural, but let it be an anger that does not influence you as much). I send you lots of encouragement, enthusiasm and commitment to that change. Remember that in Human Empowerment you have the option to take the first step.
Thank you for thinking of you, Rubén Camacho.
Use this citation format to reference the article clearly and help readers find the original source.
PsychologyFor. (2024). Couple Arguments: How to Manage Them from Your Personal Learning. PsychologyFor. https://psychologyfor.com/couple-arguments-how-to-manage-them-from-your-personal-learning/