I Am Ashamed Of My Partner: Why Does This Happen To Me And What Can I Do?
Life as a couple is not always a bed of roses. The normal thing is to date someone in whom we see more good things than bad, although it is a matter of time before we are a little more objective and cannot stop noticing certain negative aspects that, although ignorable, are there.
Sometimes this reaches such great levels that there comes a time when we are somewhat embarrassed to go out with that person, even though we love them and want to continue with the relationship.
Maybe people who say to themselves “I’m ashamed of my partner” They are very worried, thinking that they are superficial and bad people for being able to think this. However, there may be an explanation and there are also some solutions. Let’s see how.
Feeling ashamed of your partner is a difficult and often painful experience. It can create tension in your relationship and lead to feelings of guilt and confusion. You might wonder why you feel this way and what you can do to address these feelings. In this article, we’ll explore the reasons why someone might feel ashamed of their partner and provide practical strategies for overcoming this issue.
Feeling ashamed of your partner can stem from various sources. Understanding these reasons is the first step toward addressing the issue.
Social Pressure and Expectations
Society often imposes certain expectations on what a “perfect” partner should be like. These expectations can be influenced by:
Cultural Norms: Cultural standards about beauty, success, and behavior can make you feel that your partner doesn’t measure up to what society deems acceptable.
Peer Influence: Friends and family might have their own opinions about your partner, which can cause you to question your relationship.
Personal Insecurities
Sometimes, the shame you feel toward your partner might be a reflection of your insecurities.
Fear of Judgment: You might worry about how others perceive your relationship, leading to feelings of shame.
Projection: You may project your insecurities onto your partner, seeing flaws in them that you actually fear within yourself.
Mismatched Values or Lifestyle
Differences in values, lifestyle, or goals can also contribute to feelings of shame.
Differing Goals: If your partner’s life goals or ambitions differ significantly from yours, you may feel embarrassed or disconnected.
Social Differences: Discrepancies in social status, education, or background might cause discomfort, especially in social settings.
I’m ashamed of my partner
We cannot choose who we fall in love with, because love is beyond our control. There are many times that we fall in love with someone who has little to do with who we are or what our group of friends and family are like. Objectively, he may not seem handsome, stylish, with a job that does not meet our expectations and may have somewhat eccentric personality traits and unrefined actions. But, despite all these “problems”, we still like it.
No one dates someone they completely dislike. When we are in love we are able to see the many qualities that person has, but we also notice little things that We are afraid that they will be mocked or criticized by our friends or family There are things about our partner that cause us certain rejection. Yes, you could say that we are ashamed of our partner.
In most cases, the problem is not in him or her, but rather in how we perceive our partner and what we believe others will think of them. The main problem behind feeling ashamed of our partner is not that he or she has many negative things or that our environment is critical of our relationships, but that we, as individuals, perceive what others think of everything we do as more threatening and important. and we stop doing. We overestimate how bad we think others will see about us and also about our partners
We shouldn’t care what others think of our partner because the important thing is that we are comfortable with him or her. If that man or woman makes us laugh, he understands us and satisfies us in intimacy, what others think is irrelevant. Additionally, feeling ashamed of him or her when we are with other people can make us seem superficial. When there is love, the rest matters little.
But, to be fair, not everything is so simple. Regardless of whether this is superficial or not, if we feel uncomfortable because of their physical appearance, behavior, or we get the feeling that our partner doesn’t fit very well into our social life, there is a problem that should be addressed.
Yes ok The important thing is that you respect and support us and if he is a good person, if he does not fit in with our friends and family and is even the cause of dramas and scandals when we are with our acquaintances, it is evident that the relationship is going to go badly.
The function of shame
Shame is a very human emotion and, like the others, it has an evolutionary function. Feeling ashamed is a social reaction that acts as an alarm signal that tries to protect us from being excluded from our social reference group. In this sense, shame can be considered a survival reaction, since outside the group, without receiving its support and protection, we could hardly survive.
Speaking of feeling ashamed of our partner, we can take the opportunity to talk about the so-called “vicarious reflector effect” This effect consists of believing that others pay much more attention to us and our actions than they actually do. But let’s not worry because, although it may seem paranoid, it is totally normal for us to feel that others are paying attention to what we do or don’t do, it is another matter if this is real. It is simply one of the many psychological phenomena that influence our social perception.
Taking this into account, it is logical to think that this phenomenon also occurs when we go with our partner in public, especially with people whose opinion and attitudes towards us matter a lot to us, such as friends and family. It is normal to feel a certain shame and fear about what people will think of our partner, because Now that we are with another person, their actions are going to become our actions Meaningful relationships become incorporated into our “I,” becoming a “we.”
In a positive sense, traits in our partner that we perceive as positive can raise our self-esteem. However, if we perceive his or her behavior as something socially inappropriate, we will feel that people will think that his or her way of being is also ours, because as we have mentioned, there is an “us” here. Couples are not perceived as two individuals, but as a whole. What one of the members of the relationship says and does is also associated and attributed to the other, even if that other has not done anything.
I am ashamed of my partner’s social image
We may feel shame about the social image we perceive of our partner. This can happen when, after dating for a while and having exhausted the stage of falling in love, we begin to perceive our partner in a more “objective” light and that their way of being in public does not convince us.
If this is the situation, you should ask yourself what do you really want If your partner happens to be one way, perhaps there are certain aspects of his or her life that you don’t like, in the same way that he or she doesn’t have to like absolutely everything about you either.
However, We cannot subject our partner to changes that are beyond their capabilities and, of course, of your will. We cannot change someone for who they are not, nor force them to do so.
One of the main reasons why we feel ashamed of our partner now and not before is that heas people we change It’s that simple.
What used to entertain us when going out with him or her now bores us or even seems childish, such as going on a party or playing practical jokes. This is especially so when you have been in the relationship for many years, you have children and, at least, one of the two parties has matured, seeing the other as a person who is still in a more youthful stage of their life.
It may also happen that we have changed our social circle, one where our partner’s behavior has become decontextualized and we do not know very well if they will receive it well. Many times, what started out as attractive about our partner ends up becoming annoying due to repetition the passage of time and, above all, when that action becomes decontextualized.
My partner continues doing what I told him to do, which makes me ashamed.
We may be aware of what it is about our partner that makes us ashamed. Not only that, but we have also let them know, perhaps in a somewhat abrupt manner.
It is possible that what we do not like about our partner does not seem so bad to him and that he does not do it on purpose, but rather like a habit, something that he has learned unconsciously and without the intention of bothering anyone. If I had known from the beginning that we didn’t like the way they behave or do things, I most likely would have prevented it from becoming a habit.
Now we are faced with the problem that It is something that is so internalized and automated that it will be difficult for you to get rid of the habit that bothers us so much. And since he has been doing this for a while, if we tell him right now that this bothers us, he will interpret it as saying that we have been insincere or that we are exaggerating.
Change is going to be difficult, especially if we have told it in a bad way and not explaining why what they say or do makes us feel ashamed. Responding with a simple “that’s wrong” or “I’m ashamed” does not clarify things If we have done it through criticism, scolding and prohibiting the behavior, we will obtain just the opposite effect: our partner will do what causes us shame most frequently. He feels threatened by his freedom to act as he wants.
To do?
As we have commented, Feeling shame has a lot to do with how we ourselves perceive what is happening around us, not how things really are When we feel ashamed of our partner, in most cases it is because we believe that others judge us negatively for something he or she does, not because what he or she does or says is necessarily bad nor because it really matters to others.
However, if there really is something in their behavior or way of being that we consider to be harmful to us and a real problem, it is legitimate to tell them and expect them to change it. However, we must tell them assertively and with an appropriate tone because no person receives knowing that their partner is ashamed of them as something positive.
You should talk about the topic without criticizing, without scolding and never during the moment in which he has done or said something that has bothered us. It is better to talk about it later, when we are all calmer. There is no point in telling him at the time the events occur because he will hardly have the opportunity to do anything about it.
Let him know that you do not feel comfortable with what he has done or said, but avoid at all costs reproaching him for his behavior with offensive and harsh words. It is not a good idea to say things like “that was very bad”, “you are vulgar”, “that was stupid”…
The last thing you need right now is for your partner to get defensive, feeling attacked upon hearing your acidic and harsh comments. The minute he feels attacked, he will stop listening to you because he will be more concerned with how to articulate his defense and, later, attacking you by telling you what makes him ashamed of your way of being.
You should tell him how you think this way of behaving could affect both of you. If it turns out that it only affects you, then the main problem is that it is something that bothers you and probably the solution lies in you more than in the other person.
The Impact of Feeling Ashamed of Your Partner
Emotional Toll
Feeling ashamed of your partner can take a significant emotional toll on both you and your relationship.
Guilt: You might feel guilty for harboring these feelings, which can lead to internal conflict.
Resentment: Over time, shame can turn into resentment, creating further distance between you and your partner.
Low Self-Esteem: Your self-esteem might suffer as you grapple with these complex emotions.
Relationship Strain
These feelings can also strain your relationship in various ways:
Communication Breakdown: Shame might prevent you from communicating openly with your partner, leading to misunderstandings.
Avoidance: You might start avoiding social situations with your partner, which can create feelings of isolation and rejection.
Erosion of Intimacy: Emotional distance caused by shame can erode the intimacy in your relationship, making it harder to connect on a deeper level.
What Can I Do About It?
Reflect on Your Feelings
The first step in addressing these feelings is to reflect on why you feel this way.
Identify Triggers: Think about the situations or qualities that trigger feelings of shame. Is it certain behaviors, appearances, or social contexts?
Consider Your Expectations: Reflect on whether your expectations are realistic or influenced by external pressures. Are you trying to fit your relationship into a mold that doesn’t truly reflect your values?
Communicate Openly with Your Partner
Open communication is key to resolving feelings of shame in a relationship.
Share Your Feelings: Approach your partner with honesty and vulnerability. Let them know how you’re feeling without placing blame.
Discuss Expectations: Talk about your expectations and how they align with your partner’s values and goals. This can help you both understand each other better and work toward a common vision.
Work on Self-Acceptance
Building self-acceptance can reduce the impact of external pressures and insecurities on your relationship.
Focus on Strengths: Acknowledge your partner’s strengths and the positive aspects of your relationship. Celebrate what makes your partnership unique.
Challenge Negative Thoughts: When feelings of shame arise, challenge the negative thoughts that accompany them. Are they based on reality, or are they distorted by insecurity or societal pressure?
Seek Professional Help
If these feelings persist and continue to strain your relationship, seeking professional help might be beneficial.
Couples Therapy: A therapist can help you and your partner navigate these complex emotions and improve communication.
Individual Therapy: Working with a therapist individually can help you address personal insecurities and develop healthier relationship dynamics.
Focus on Growth and Compromise
Relationships often require growth and compromise to thrive.
Set Mutual Goals: Work together to set goals that reflect both of your values and aspirations. This can strengthen your bond and reduce feelings of disconnect.
Embrace Differences: Instead of focusing on differences as a source of shame, try to embrace them as part of what makes your relationship unique.
Feeling ashamed of your partner is a challenging and often distressing experience, but it’s important to recognize that these feelings can be addressed and resolved. By reflecting on the root causes, communicating openly, working on self-acceptance, and seeking professional help if necessary, you can navigate these emotions and strengthen your relationship. Remember, no relationship is perfect, and the key to overcoming these feelings lies in understanding, acceptance, and growth.
FAQs
What causes feelings of shame toward a partner?
Feelings of shame toward a partner can be caused by social pressure, personal insecurities, or mismatched values and lifestyle differences.
How can I overcome feelings of shame in my relationship?
You can overcome these feelings by reflecting on your emotions, communicating openly with your partner, working on self-acceptance, and seeking professional help if needed.
Can feeling ashamed of my partner harm our relationship?
Yes, these feelings can strain your relationship by causing communication breakdowns, avoidance, and erosion of intimacy.
Is it normal to feel ashamed of my partner?
While it’s not uncommon, it’s important to address these feelings rather than ignoring them, as they can negatively impact your relationship and emotional well-being.
Should I talk to my partner about these feelings?
Yes, discussing your feelings with your partner in a compassionate and honest way can help both of you understand and address the underlying issues.
