Fortunately, it is still common for couples to go to therapy, and it is striking that they are increasingly couples with a wider age range, since this means that therapy is becoming normalized, even in older couples.
Within the situations that are worked on for consultation, the variety is great, although There is a common element that is observed behind many conflicts and disagreements: communication
The importance of effective communication in a couple
It is almost a cliché to say that a lack of communication is behind coexistence and relationship conflicts in couples, families or teams, but it is still something very real. To specify and illustrate what I am explaining here, I would like to focus on a topic that seems very obvious, but is not so obvious: understanding of others and their points of view
Many times communication stagnates because we want the other person to understand what we want to explain, to be able to put themselves in our shoes and see what we see. We forget that the other person’s intention, in many cases, is exactly the same and that can block communication actions.
First understand the other person, before pretending to be understood That would be a good motto; It is important to take the first step in the intention to understand, mutual understanding would be guaranteed if we did so, since we would converge in the will to listen.
When we do it the other way around, what usually happens is that we attribute a negative intention to the other party, we prejudge and provoke defensive attitudes that open the door to feelings of attack blocking communication and activating resentment, misunderstanding, helplessness and a large chain of negative emotions that will lead to a possible conflict of more or less large dimensions.
It would be convenient that, in an act of communication, we were able to detect who is the person who has a higher level of anxiety or urgency in presenting their ideas and in expressing his state and that we give him the first place to begin the sequence of understanding; When that happens, once the person feels understood, it may be easier to take the other’s turn and listen to those ideas.
It is essential to remember that, in these communicative acts, There is no need to try to find the truth or who is right, since both sides have their truth and their reason In communication, one should not fall into this trap, since it leads to a dead end that increases tension, conflict and distancing between the people who intend to communicate.
Furthermore, wanting to “be right” reduces communication to an excessively simplified situation, in a kind of battle that would leave one party victorious and the other defeated, when the important thing is that both parties understand each other and reach a solution, or common consensus. Which is the same, in the event that someone wins and someone loses, ideas and capabilities are subtracted, the case that we propose expands the possibilities and seeks to share the well-being generated by consensus and mutual understanding.
Therefore, It is also a question of emotional profitability, to feel that there is a common interest so that the people who are in that dialogue can reach a point of shared and joint well-being. I want you to feel good and you are looking for the same, which will satisfy both people and will leave the feeling that we take care of each other, instead of seeking to be on top (which implies that there is someone below).
To achieve this idea you have to be very careful with the words you use; and the shapes, how important the shapes are. There are many assertive taglines that help in choosing those conciliatory and non-aggressive words: “in my opinion…”, “as I see it…”, “from my point of view…”, “I think that…”, “I understand what you are saying and also… .”, “I would like you to also take into account…”.
One of the aspects that these taglines have in common is that they do not nullify the other person’s part, they do not destroy and do not judge disparagingly different ideas or points of view that do not coincide
It may seem very simple to remember how important it is to avoid using the expression “but” just before exposing your own idea, since this conjunction eliminates the value of the phrase that has been pronounced just before, for example: “it seems fine to me.” your opinion, but…” (equivalent to saying that it doesn’t seem right to me). It may seem something forced within the close, spontaneous and trusting relationship of the couple’s relationship, but it is important that correct and that do not call into question the mutual respect essential in effective and respectful communication
In short, it is not enough to say “if you already know what I am”, it is not enough to refer to what has always occurred in the field of communication, you have to take care of what you want to express and the way in which you express it. do it.
