The 5 Main Causes Of Fear Of Commitment In Relationships
Being in a relationship has profound implications on our lives, regardless of whether we are aware of it.
Although emphasis is normally placed on the emotions that love and falling in love produce, leaving singleness behind is not limited to the feelings we experience when “being with someone.” Starting a relationship is, in practice, starting a project with long-term plans, even if you don’t talk about it or want to give a name to the type of emotional bond that unites those two people.
However, in recent times It is increasingly common for this long-term logic of romantic relationships to come up against the phenomenon of fear of commitment Many people seek psychological assistance precisely because they feel a contradiction, the desire to be and at the same time not be in a relationship. What is the cause of that?
It is true that in some very exceptional cases, the fear of commitment can meet the characteristics of a psychopathology that is expressed in other symptoms beyond a person’s love life; Above all, it occurs through emotional alterations that belong to the category of anxiety disorders and phobias.
However, in most situations, The dysfunctional fear of committing to a long-term relationship is expressed in subtle ways which cannot be “summarized” by concepts that appear in diagnostic manuals used in the world of mental health.
In fact, many people suffer from discomfort due to fear of commitment but do not even realize that this is a problem to be addressed, given that in most areas of their lives they perform relatively well and do not have clear symptoms typical of a Psychological trastorn. But just because something is not a psychopathology does not mean that it should not be treated or, if necessary, overcome through individual or couples therapy.
Part of the phenomenon of fear of commitment, then, does not arise from an imbalance in the functioning of the brain, nor from traumas or diagnosable clinical conditions, but from diffuse patterns of behavior that have been learned and that, in some cases, “float in the environment” to which the person is exposed day to day: in the media you consume, in the unwritten rules of your circle of friends, etc.
It is partly because of these social and cultural aspects that if a few decades ago what was scary was staying single after a certain age, today it is not unusual to feel fear of the opposite, of being linked to someone in a “hasty” way.
Main causes of fear of commitment
What is happening that so many people are afraid of commitment? Let’s look at a series of factors that make it easier for us to fall into this source of fears regarding our sexual and love life.
1. Lack of assertiveness
Sometimes, the fear of commitment appears due to something as simple as not daring to talk about one’s own plans, life expectations, etc. This blockage in communication makes being in a relationship seen as a problem since this involves projecting yourself into the future together with a person with whom you barely talk about very important aspects.
Thus, the fear of commitment can become associated with the fear of talking about things and looking for a solution in the present; solution that does not have to involve ending the courtship.
2. Fear of showing vulnerabilities
The more time we spend in a romantic relationship, the more times we show the other person our vulnerabilities. For those who tend to be very distrustful of what others can do to them in the long term, this can cause some concern The key is learning to trust where it makes sense to do so, and a loving relationship is one of those contexts in which opening up is as liberating as it is necessary for the bond to work.
3. Immersion in a culture of short-termism
If we are bombarded every day with messages that value short-termism and extreme individualism, it is not surprising that we end up falling into the fear of commitment. In cases like this, part of the problem is exposing oneself to social environments that give visibility to a single, very specific ideology.
4. Lack of tolerance for uncertainty
be in a relationship always involves taking certain risks, given that, as we have seen, it is a long-term project. This means that we agree to make plans for the future even though we know that, technically, the other person can decide to end the relationship at any time. This idea must be managed properly, and some find it difficult.
5. Frustration when tending to unrealistic expectations
Finally, we cannot ignore that some people experience the relationship from mixed feelings: the other person is loved but, at the same time, the experience of being with them does not fit with the expectations that had been created about what they are like. have a boyfriend or girlfriend. And since this tension exists, The idea appears that it makes no sense to give up forever feeling what one believes to be “true love.” and that in reality is nothing more than an idealization.
