The appearance of a relationship external to the couple, what we identify as infidelity, is usually associated with an accumulation of reactions and suffering in the different actors present in the conflict.
Currently, in our society the concept of infidelity has tended to be somewhat trivialized: nothing lasts, everything revolves around “planned obsolescence”, light and circumstantial.
However, despite the freedom to continue or not in a relationship, we continue looking for the ideal partner, who will last us forever and whom we can trust at all costs. What can be done, in therapy, in case of infidelity?
Although, traditionally, we have placed the label of infidelity on those external relationships that involve sex, what would really identify it is the concept of betrayal, concealment and violation of the agreements established between the couple For example, Hall and Fincham (2006) speak of infidelity as “a sexual, romantic, or emotional relationship that violates the exclusive commitment to the couple’s relationship.”
However, for someone to break the commitment we talked about, a process of emotional or psychological separation had to occur in advance The concealment of dissatisfaction or emotional discomfort, which has to do with the unfaithful person’s own experience and which is not necessarily attributable to the relationship.
Infidelity involves lying to the official member and, very often, to the third person in the triangle, since what is most difficult is giving up “everything.”
The fear of loneliness, rejection, emptiness … give rise to a behavior of denial and consummate lies that disorient the couple and allow them to continue avoiding the conflict.
When a couple comes to therapy with an open conflict over an issue of infidelity, it is common to see how the unfaithful member proposes a deterioration or an unfathomable crisis in the relationship as the cause of their behavior. That is, it justifies the hiding of it, possibly discovered by the couple recently, and it legitimizes it due to the suffering inherent to lack of communication, misunderstanding or progressive disengagement
However, it is completely incoherent to attribute the responsibility for infidelity to the victim of it.
What does infidelity mean?
The implications of infidelity are the following:
The Fidelity It has to do with confidence, not sexuality With commitment, loyalty, perseverance and coherence. And, fundamentally, with the word given.
What is really being proposed is an unequal relationship where the lover adapts to what the unfaithful person can offer, accepting the lie in which she embarks and, on the other hand, the official-victim couple cannot decide anything at all. ignoring the situation (at the expense of any possible decision, at any time, of the unfaithful partner).
These are the different ways in which infidelity psychologically affects the people involved
In the ‘unfaithful’
The inhibition (both in decision-making and in action) of the unfaithful person leads to the tremendous personal dissatisfaction of someone who does not dare to confront the conflict or internal insecurity. They will increasingly have less capacity to face different situations. that make you feel unhappy.
We find ourselves, in many cases, with an avoidant person (with insecure avoidant attachment, which Bowlby spoke of, typical of people who disconnect from their negative emotions, do not recognize their distress, do not ask for help). He alienates himself, he dissociates. In his desire to keep all the advantages for himself, to maintain the system in an unaltered structure… lies, manipulates, misinforms etc.
We meet someone who, possibly, in his escape from the existential void, He seeks in infidelity the excitement that allows him not to feel the anguish nor the increase in vital depression.
If, finally, you lose both your official partner and your lover, it can lead to that depression that you avoided so much. And he will be victimized by changing a status quo that provided a considerable emotional advantage.
In the ‘mistress’
The loving person becomes an accomplice to the lie Despite the precariousness of his situation, he agrees to hide the established bond. Dissociation, cognitive distortion, envy, vanity appear… the lack of empathy with the deceived victim… In addition, the victimizing arguments of the unfaithful person are believed, which blame the official partner for the vital and marital discomfort.
Furthermore, she does not have official recognition, she lives in the shadows… condemned to loneliness and the impossibility of living a complete relationship She is also a person deceived and forced to live in an evasive and asymmetrical relationship.
There is an emotional distance that causes a lot of suffering and the presence of constant doubt in the face of a promise that is never fulfilled
In the ‘victim’
When the official couple discovers the infidelity, He sees how everything that he had secured is suddenly swept away We encounter the typical effects of post-traumatic stress, which profoundly paralyze the subject’s life: sleep disturbances, high irritability, hypervigilance, nervous reactions, scares…
The deceived person’s ruminations about what has happened come to interfere with their daily functioning. The trauma prevents it from being difficult to trust someone again for the moment, and the fear of life experimentation appears.
Violent behavior may appear against the partner or the other person, or seeking immediate separation, seeking to avoid the suffering resulting from disloyalty. An obsessive reaction may also appear to find security that the external relationship has ended: obsessive questions about what has happened and/or aggressive communication. We are in the middle of the grieving process: anger, anxiety, depression…
When you decide to maintain the official relationship
How to deal with reconstruction
Despite the anger, the disappointment, the suffering… many couples, victims of infidelity, try to give themselves the opportunity to continue together To do this, attending couples therapy can help build a work structure that allows you to strengthen what is still standing. It is maintained that it is possible to recover the relationship, unless one of the two members does not want to and, therefore, is not going to cooperate, or the damage suffered is so great that the victim cannot sustain it.
Of course, regardless of assistance to a therapist, mediator, qualified professional, or personal work… couples have to manage a series of points from which to begin to rise from the collapse.
Firstly, extramarital affairs are not a consequence of problems within the couple, but infidelity deteriorates the relationship. We cannot justify disloyalty due to the problems present in the relationship At any time, the person could have raised the discomfort with their partner, asked for help, or separated. Furthermore, it is not justified to persist in habitual contact with the lover.
Secondly, the unfaithful person has to know that Your partner’s reactions are a consequence of the unfair and deceptive behavior you maintained with her. The victim’s behavior does not correspond to strange reactions, they are understandable and can last over time.
The emotions felt by the betrayed derive from the damage perpetrated to the bond (this bond is similar to that of children with their parents, the secure base from which to explore the world). Security has been lost, the betrayed person believes that he can no longer expect anything solid from the relationships: if the person he trusted the most has hurt him… the feeling is that he may be in danger with anyone else. The cheater has to know that he has caused trauma to his partner, these are not pathological reactions.
Furthermore, it is essential that the disloyal person tells and narrates (it is not about explaining or justifying what happened). The victim needs to understand: a coherent narrative that makes sense, that fits. You can’t continue lying, neither in the details nor in the facts. Continuing to hide causes even more damage: the couple cannot heal their suffering.
Thus, the unfaithful person must tell the real story: what made him or her get involved in the affair will prevent other possible affairs. The victim needs to have powerful reasons to think that it will not happen again, she wants to know details of the adventure. The more knowledge people have about themselves, the more trust can be rebuilt through increased credibility Telling includes the way he hid and the people involved, that is… the strategies he developed to live the experience in a sneaky way.
On the other hand, the victim will have to prepare to listen to the other, emotional deactivation is necessary. Understanding your anger will allow you to discourage reactivity that can be dangerous.
Finally, we must prevent both from harming each other, setting limits and giving guidelines to regulate behavior between them:
The betrayed person will have to accept the suffering to prevent destructive emotional escalation. Opening yourself to feeling your emotions, without defending yourself from them, will allow you to get on with what matters.
reconciliation process
Whether you decide to stay together or break up, forgiveness between members of the couple is necessary Forgiving and asking for forgiveness can be given separately. The offended person can forgive without the offending person being sorry or asking for forgiveness. And we also find that repentance and the request for forgiveness do not imply the delivery of it by the victim.
If you end up separating, it is important to close the stage before moving on to the next: breaking up to escape the conflict or to go with the lover does not usually give good results (people take their problems to the next relationship).
Besides, it is necessary to make agreements:
The work, in the end, is based on truth, on the resolution of ambivalence, in the repair of damage, in managing symptoms and building a new relationship. It is the unfaithful person who has to repair the ties that have been damaged, they are the best positioned to do so. But it will depend on the following variables to achieve greater speed in improvement and success in rebuilding the couple:
Empathy
Comprehension
Patience
Willpower
Responsibility
Commitment
The strategies of avoiding talking and refusing to answer on the part of the unfaithful person indicate a limited commitment to rebuilding the couple. Failure to admit the seriousness of what has happened shows the refusal to assume responsibility for the acts carried out Talking is difficult but completely necessary, just as we must evolve from hostility and harm towards a cordial environment, favorable to exchange, on the part of the victim.
Finally, Sternberg suggests that love is based on commitment, passion, and intimacy.
Passion will improve with openness to sexual desire and relationships.
The commitment, which is one of the parts most damaged by infidelity, will be remade through the effort that the two are making to stay together.
Intimacy, damaged by secrecy and lies, will heal with self-disclosure behavior that shows us in all our vulnerability. In other contexts, this manifestation of guilt would be used for the accusation and application of the relevant punishment, but in the context of the couple, a response of acceptance and recognition of sadness and shame will allow sharing that weakness and increasing and opening up to the lost intimacy.
