When we start a romantic relationship, fears and doubts usually arise. Many times, we come from past relationships that have left us a little shaken. Maybe they have cheated on us, or we have simply stopped loving the other person and the relationship has come to an end.
All of this is common and should not worry us too much. But what happens when we have a partner and are constantly distressed, to the point that our perception of things is altered? Why does that happen? In this article we will talk about cognitive distortions in relationships
Aaron Beck was a researcher who put a lot of emphasis on the way we think and process information, especially in depression. He told us about cognitive distortions, that is, systematic biases in the processing of information after events of loss or deprivation. Thus, these events are exaggeratedly valued as something global, frequent and irreversible.
Cognitive distortions produce emotional disturbance, and for this reason Beck gave them a fundamental role in the origin and maintenance of depression. Furthermore, he defended the idea that information processing is guided by cognitive schemas. These schemes guide the perception, encoding, storage and retrieval of information, that is, they act as cognitive filters.
Cognitive distortions appear in many other clinical conditions, such as anxiety disorders, other mood disorders, and personality disorders. However, they also appear – and very frequently – in the non-clinical population (without diagnosable disorders), as we will see below.
When we start a relationship or have had it for a long time, cognitive distortions may appear. These alter the way we live the relationship to relate to the other person, and can end up damaging the relationship.
Thus, cognitive distortions in relationships are usually unconscious and we do not know that they are there, guiding our interpretation of things. They impact the way we see ourselves as part of the couple, and They harm our self-esteem and our self-concept
Cognitive distortions contain wrong information, and we must be careful with them. Cultural heritage and education have an important weight in their genesis within love relationships, since these two elements have largely guided the perception we have of life.
Some of the most common cognitive distortions in relationships are the following.
“Without you I am nothing”
Consists in to think that if our partner leaves us we will sink, because it is an essential part of our life. This is a categorical and deterministic thought, which makes us live the relationship with anxiety and with a tremendous fear of losing our partner.
According to Beck’s terminology, it is a magnification, and it consists of evaluating a situation by increasing its magnitude or significance.
It is a thought that increases dependency on the partner and that is totally false. If before meeting that person we could live perfectly and be happy, why is it different now?
“My partner must do everything for me”
Believing that the other person is a magical being who has come to save us from something, or to remedy our nerves, is an absurd and very common thought. Having it increases frustration and makes us become demanding and dependent on the person we love.
The partner does not have to be a servant or maid for us. A healthy relationship is a balanced relationship where both parties contribute. The other is not always going to satisfy our desires, and we should not expect that to be the case either.
We must be careful with the “I must”, since they usually contain unmet needs that we try to cover in any way possible.
“If he is jealous it is because he loves me”
Jealousy is a very dangerous weapon in relationships. This statement is based on a cognitive distortion that leads us to experience the other’s jealousy as something good and logical within the relationship, even as something necessary, as a sign of love.
Precisely Jealousy denotes the opposite, that is, insecurities, fear of losing the other person and low self-esteem. A functional relationship will always be based on trust, respect and freedom.
It is an arbitrary inference, that is, reaching a conclusion without evidence to support it or with contrary evidence. In this case, we attribute being jealous to something good, when it is precisely the opposite.
Treatment: cognitive restructuring techniques
Cognitive restructuring is a form of psychotherapeutic intervention used by Aaron Beck, among others, which aims to make dysfunctional beliefs functional and modify cognitive distortions. Some of his techniques are the following.
