The experience of marriage and living in a relationship should be something beneficial, enriching and satisfying for both members of it. However, there are many cases in which the dynamics of the couple are very different, and yet they resist breaking the bond.
While is true that There are many reasons why people feel dissatisfied or unhappy in their relationship, there are many other reasons why they prefer to continue. However, couple psychology still struggles to clarify why some unhappy couples are capable of breaking up, while others are not.
One of the most accepted theories that attempts to explain this phenomenon is the Interdependence Theory. Presented by psychologists Harold Kelley and John Thibault this assumption establishes that each of the members of the couple evaluates personal satisfaction with their marriage or relationship, in relation to the costs and benefits of said relationship.
That is, if our partner demands a lot of time and resources from us, but compensates us because he or she covers our needs or, on the contrary, he or she gives us little but also demands little of us, it is very possible that we will maintain the relationship.
The key to this theory is that as long as the perceived costs do not outweigh the benefits, there is a good chance that the couple will stay together. Otherwise, it is very likely that one of the two will end up breaking off the relationship
In this way, according to the Interdependence Theory This balance is the basis of commitment To be more specific, according to Kelley and Thibaut, despite dissatisfaction in the couple, the people who make it up will feel more committed for these reasons:
Although the conclusions of Kellet and Thibault’s studies on Interdependence Theory can well be applied to the present, it is true that they are approximately fifty years old, and that** couple dynamics change over time. just as society changes**.
It is obvious to think that the level of satisfaction that a person has in their relationship depends largely on what this relationship brings them. That is, of the benefits. However, recent research points to the role of individual standards or, in other words, the idea or conception that each person has about what a relationship should be. According to these studies, it is very possible that a couple who is in a dysfunctional relationship maintain this bond for the simple fact that your standards for the couple’s relationships are low
Cases in which people are truly dissatisfied with their relationship but maintain their commitment are difficult to explain by Interdependence Theory. However, studies carried out by psychologist Levi Baker, at the University of North Carolina, provide other insights that can help us understand. understand why many unhappy couples stay together
The results
According to the results obtained by Baker and his collaborators, commitment to the relationship is not based so much on the current level of satisfaction as on the level of satisfaction expected in the future of the relationship. That is, people maintain their relationship because They believe that the quality of this will improve over time or that the problems will eventually pass.
Therefore, when making a prediction about whether a couple who does not feel happy together will maintain their relationship or not, the expectation of future satisfaction will be a better predictor than the current satisfaction in the couple.
Although there are surely many more factors, the hypothesis that expectations of happiness keep a relationship unsatisfactory is not entirely unreasonable, since at the end of the day these are long-term relationships and it is logical to think that the good will outweigh the the bad in the long term.
Once the data obtained was analyzed, Baker discovered that unsatisfactory relationships followed two trends. On the one hand, one of the members of the couple left the relationship when he had expectations that the situation could not improve and, furthermore, he thought that he could find better alternatives outside of it. On the contrary, people stayed in the relationship when they had hope that it would improve and, furthermore, They thought they couldn’t find anything better
The influence of personal and social factors
Although studies show clear trends, as we mentioned at the beginning of the article, there are a wide variety of factors that influence when making the decision to break up a relationship in which we are not happy.
Personal factors such as beliefs about the importance of marriage and personal relationships they play a fundamental role. For some people, being single is an unacceptable condition, much worse than living in a relationship in which there is no longer love.
The importance that society has given to marriage or life as a couple as an ideal state exerts a powerful influence on people, some of whom desperately seek a partner with whom to share their life regardless of whether this makes them happy or not.
In other cases, the factor that keeps couples together is the existence of children Developing couple dynamics in which each of the components maintains parallel lives but preserving the same home, staying together for the supposed good of the children. Because, in his belief, the division of the home is much worse for the children than the current situation.
Another different matter are those that involve religious attitudes and beliefs around divorce Those people with a strong relationship with their religion may refuse to face a divorce both out of their own conviction and because of the fear of being rejected in their religious community.
Conclusions
Whatever the reason for dissatisfaction, once people are aware of their partner’s status, they move on to evaluate your future prospects or options If this person perceives that he has opportunities to find something better, it is very likely that he will break off the relationship, seeking a new beginning.
Taking this into account, it is easy to understand why those couples of younger ages perceive separation or divorce as something much more plausible than those couples of older ages.
In cases where they are unable to imagine a better alternative to the couple’s current condition, it is very possible that they will maintain it; finding ways to calm conflicts and considering each other as life partners.
