Anger Attacks With Your Partner: How To Control Them?

The first thing we must understand about anger attacks is their root and although these emotional patterns were created in childhood, in adulthood they are an indicator of high emotional dependence, serious deregulation of the nervous system and perfectionistic thought patterns, drug addiction. control, and cognitive rigidity, therefore, once these patterns are modified, and the nervous system regulated, we can forget about anger attacks forever.

Where do the attacks of anger with your partner come from?

Anger attacks are a learned pattern, because the critical factor develops from the age of 7, during the first years, everything goes directly to the brain without any filter, so you learn to behave and react exactly how adults that you had around you and you develop the “defense” mechanisms to survive in that environment; Basically your emotional reactions are those of your parents or caregivers, unless you do some personal therapeutic work to modify them.

People who suffer from attacks of anger towards their partners usually have grown up in chaotic environments, where there were constant fights between their parents, domestic violence and they may even have been victims of physical abuse by their caregivers They are usually people who were physically or verbally abused, were overworked, had excess responsibility at a very young age, were prohibited from making mistakes and were heavily punished for it.

Due to that feeling of helplessness and injustice experienced during childhood or the time they lived with their parents or caregivers, they develop a tendency to protect and defend themselves, they live thinking that everything their partner does is against them, and that they want to take advantage of it, they are easily offended and angry and react to the slightest comments or “mistakes committed by their partner.”

However, this all happens at an unconscious level, which is where your emotions live, that is, rationally they do not see it that way, but this is how the problem is processed internally, The brain perceives its partner as a “vital element for its survival”, hence the attacks of anger the feeling that if their partner does not provide what the person believes they need, how they need it, when they need it, in the way they need it, then they do not love them, and therefore, they will die.

In which people do anger attacks with their partner usually occur?

Because emotions are triggered from the primitive brain, they are irrational, and it is for this reason that we find anger attacks in people with high intellectual levels, disciplined, demanding and ambitious.

Professional, perfectionist and hyper-demanding people with themselves and their partner, they tend to be extremely rational and intellectual, they overanalyze their partner’s behavior and their emotions which causes them to remain trapped in rationalization, unable to process their emotions and somehow “digest” them to regulate their nervous system and return to calm.

Instead, they remain in a mental spiral, which leads to them accumulating emotions internally until their nervous system becomes saturated and that is when they explode in an attack of anger with their partner and only after the attack of anger can they return to calm, where the cycle begins again.

How to solve anger attacks against my partner?

However, the solution to anger attacks is very simple, and only consists of 3 steps:

1. Become Emotionally Independent from your partner:

Normally in relationships we become attached to our partner, the problem is that when we become too attached, we begin to identify with them and define ourselves through them, which makes us have these unpredictable attacks of anger.

Due to perfectionism and hyperdemand with ourselves, we project this onto our partner and expect them to be perfect and we demand a lot from them, however, this deteriorates the relationship and creates instability and stagnation, because The fundamental basis of the relationship is broken, which is “emotional security” that is, feeling loved and accepted unconditionally by your partner

To restore that security, although paradoxical, we have to become emotionally independent of ourselves and begin to satisfy our emotional needs on our own, to come to the relationship to share what we have, and not to take out what we “need” and not, emotional independence. It doesn’t mean stopping loving your partner, it means understanding that your partner is a separate and independent human from you, and therefore, he or she will think, say and act completely different from you, and that doesn’t mean anything about you. except he’s a different human than you.

2. Cognitive restructuring of the Anger pattern:

Simply changing your way of thinking about anger, and your partner’s comments or behaviors that trigger anger attacks, here what we are looking for is to release the cognitive errors that lead you to have anger attacks.

Maybe you think that life has to be “fair” or you need to be “right,” etc. However, what is sought when working on the mental aspect is ways of thinking that, although they are not an “absolute truth,” because in reality ways of seeing life, there is no such thing Instead, find a series of neutral and different perspectives that are useful to observe the facts from curiosity, giving you space to decide how to react to your partner’s opinions and behaviors.

Cognitive restructuring aims to deactivate the anger pattern, by applying a kind of brakes to your mental patterns, specific commands to stop mental chains and avoid entering mental loops, we create exits on the “highway” that Until now it has been the pattern of anger, the result will be that the intensity, frequency and duration of your anger will be reduced from a 10 to a 3.

3. Embody the peaceful version of yourself:

You need to aim at a goal, control anger itself, it cannot be a goal, hence it is necessary to direct the energy to create and strengthen desired behaviors, reactions and ways of thinking, that is, If you already control your anger, you don’t get angry, and you can calmly listen to your partner’s opinions:

Every person has a peaceful version of themselves, hence your search to feel at peace and your commitment to doing therapy, doing yoga, meditating and looking for methods and tools to feel better.

Do you want to control anger attacks with your partner and learn to feel at peace?

These are the 3 simple proven steps that work to not only control anger attacks with your partner, but to eliminate them from your life forever If you suffer from attacks of anger with your partner, I want to remind you that this does not define you, nor does it mean anything about you, you are a human, and all humans are different, some are addicted to cigarettes and others to anger, and yet No matter what happens, you deserve love, understanding and respect for as long as you need to overcome them.

If you want to learn how to de-escalate your emotional reactions when you get angry so as not to lead to attacks of anger, reduce the frequency, intensity and duration of anger with your partner and have tools that help you feel at peace in seconds, click on my website and listen to my free Podcast.