How Do We Connect? The Repetition of the Original Conflict

The way we relate to others, the way we bond is very reminiscent and is a true reflection of the bond we had with our parents.

I am me, you are you. I did not come to this world to satisfy your expectations, you did not come to this world to satisfy mine. If we meet, it can be beautiful. If not, there’s nothing left to do.

F. Perls

I am one who comes from his tree, a pear tree. You are one that comes from his tree, a chestnut tree. There is something we all did the same. Arriving, falling into the world. We all came from a humid darkness, from the guts of a mother, clean, pure, curious. From within, and according to the melody that is heard outside, and the emotions from mom who are like a news program, with their pink, green and yellow press, we are guided… what is out there? What awaits me, what kind of world is that? Will it be good for me?

One finally arrives, some welcomed, blessed, expected… the mother, full of love, drunk with hormones, gives herself, and the child knows this and does her part, she wants to get out there, and to the beat of the crossed heartbeats and desires , I will leave my cave of love…I’m coming out mom, I’m coming out, we will no longer be one, now it will be me and we will look at each other, face to face.

Whether it’s hot or cold outside. I’m hungry, or not, I’m satisfied. My butt stings, is there anyone out there? I’ve shit myself! Mom usually comes to my sophisticated crying, I have one for when I do it to myself and another for when I’m hungry, and another when I’m afraid of those noises ugly, and a few more, there is one, one that is exasperating for mom, it never fails, I cry like crazy to the point of losing my breath! And chimpún! That angelic being appears, and solves, calms and satisfies me. How hard this world is needs Inside, in the dark and warm cave, it had everything, it was an all-you-can-eat buffet, but here… here you order… or die.

It’s good exercise couple therapy try to take a look from this understanding towards the partner, as one who looks at that creature that was, that in some way still is, a man, a woman, on the path of love, a being that had to defend itself from terror and uncertainty, which also…decides to walk by my side. Look at her! She is a heart, like yours. She is the same heart she had when she came into the world, the same longing, the same desire to celebrate life. Look at him! Look at her eyes, what do you see? It’s that boy, it’s still him.

Why do we look for the effect of others?

One of the strangest things in this world… because I don’t know how you experienced it, if your mother came to your crying quickly or… those minutes of waiting turned you off forever. At first, it’s a matter of minutes…ufff!! But… later it happened to me… shall I tell it?… that thing about pleasure, love and caresses happened to me… all together, how crazy! Because of all the needs in this world, one is the one that sucks the most of all, the keen But, that day, that day… my whole body lit up with pleasure and love and curiosity, that which nature does not distinguish, and I approached mom and I think that my skin exuded that smell of love lit with desire, and my body It vibrated and I was already grown up from some things that had just surprised me, I was born a boy, and love and pleasure came together. I have a body, I realized that soon, because of course it shit, and I writhed with hunger, but, what’s happening to me is new, so new!! It is sexual awakening, because we are beings of pleasure, sensual, mammals. And I approached mom, and she, with her intoxicated eyes and all the pain in her heart, the shock that hit her! She turned around, leaving me in nothingness.

What a scare that day friends, this being human. You will see, and what your eyes saw, because from those windows we saw everything, we saw everything, even the unsaid. You could see Dad’s fear behind his arrogance, the hurt behind his pride.

Each one of us had to go through the impepinables!, and from those appointments with the breast, the sphincters, the skin, the genitals… from the result of those herculean battles of the creature that we were… he/she came out, my partner, my buddy. In couple therapy to love to understand, to really see who is in front of me, who is it?, how much it cost him to say “I am”, how much it costs him today. The couple problems They come from the blindness of those who love an idea of ​​their partner, and not the real image of the person they are, and this is a permanent flow of disappointment, of unfair deception.

What’s your name? That’s it…Lucas, Lorena, Bertín…it doesn’t matter, you’re the one who saw it all. And from so much that he saw, he learned to keep quiet, to silence. In this world you have to survive, that’s the first thing. And so smart and so cute, we pleased mom with a silence, although in this world of needs one doesn’t stop, it doesn’t stop!! of needing… but one learns to… stop asking, and one stops asking until the love and trust because one knows, there comes a time when one knows, that the elders, the brothers and sisters, also need attention, and that there is not enough for everyone.

How each one learned to cope with the needs of your body and soul, in a specific family environment, with a specific mother and father, what was your father’s name?… a man, like so many men who was also pure innocence, and had to survive in his own way, that father, or that mother, when one is an adult and sees them gray and bent, when the earth calls them in that equator of unquestionable life that is gray hair, one understands that it is not that they did not want to give to me, it is that they did not know how to give as much as I needed, or that they didn’t have, or that they didn’t get the pears, the chestnuts, and those men and women, who when you ask them how much they loved their sons, their daughters, and their hearts fill, because They gave a lot, they gave bravely, fearful, stammering. Nobody, except for the most serious pathologies that affect the human mind, is ever capable of letting a child die, and one sees him or her fat and thinks that there is nothing more, that it is enough… but behind the corners of the dimples and the legs plump there is a soul that longs to be looked at with love and total acceptance, a soul that when it returns home from school and mischief, returns with a collection of shames, feats, humiliations… it is so easy to damage the soul of a creature. Do you remember adolescence? How scary for God! half girl, half little woman, a centaur!

And one arrives home and just wants to be looked at, repaired with love. And that love sometimes wasn’t there, and it wasn’t there because mom and dad kept looking for their own, someone to fix them. Let’s ask ourselves how much of this is still valid in our relationships, in what way we continue to demand that our wound be attended to, no longer by dad or mom, but by our partner. How much of this is behind the couple problems

What do we understand by relationship patterns ?

If to survive you have to ask, how do you ask? How much do you ask? Do you ask? The way in which we relate to others the way we bond is very reminiscent and is a true reflection of the bond we had with our parents.

The totality of biographical history, especially that of early childhood that crystallized in those oaths that formed character, is in the Here and Now of your gestures, in the I-Thou relationship, also in the therapeutic relationship It is above all in the bonds we make with dear, close people that we enter the darkness of intimacy, where we are most exposed and fragile, naked before the You we protect ourselves, don’t see what I bring, the ugly, we are so close that it becomes can smell the wound.

The childhood wound, that wound made of disappointments and longings, even in the most beautiful stories, is disguised and hides a pain from which no one frees us, because the human condition itself is a condition of falling from paradise and this world is a world of continuous need as We said and a search, above all an insatiable search for a love, which does not belong to this world, but to another. That is why we walk, say the good tongues, surrounded by angels and archangels, moved by the odyssey of the brave humans who decided to go down and try this thing about life on Earth, this thing about the incarnated spirit, the Ego and the Essence.

But what are those?relationship patterns ? In no other scenario than in a couple does the repetition of the old, of the wound, happen more clearly. Well, there is no bond so strong that it fuels the attachment experienced with the mother, with the father. It is the couple that makes us feel so small, or so big and… how are we supposed to be a couple? We fall in love, we go crazy, blind, flooded with hormones, floating, with an atrocious expectation that the other is going to save me in the end. of my terrifying loneliness, of my deep self-hatred. An expectation that becomes an excessively great weight for the You.

I’m off topic again… relationship patterns, relationship problems, relationship crisis, a strategy to make the other person stay, pure childish manipulation, that is character. A mirage, I say that there are six of us in the couple because there are also the ghosts of the parents. Such a gesture from my partner reminds me of my mother, and it touches me directly in a wounded emotional place, and then I react… You don’t love me! You love me badly! You treat me badly! I accuse him. Patterns repeat themselves, it is the nature of character, they perpetuate themselves, confirming that the world is wrong. Since we go on automatic and always react, we do not see the other in their uniqueness. We play at guessing his malicious intentions instead of seeing his limits as a person, what he can or cannot give me, what he wants or is willing to give. But one wants it all, because he learned to get it, whether by crying, by seducing, or by stealing. We become vampires of love, thirsty for that total look that we never had.

The couple crisis It is a hook in a loop of repetitions, a crossroads of mutual accusations where one does not know where the conflicts begin. Instead of saying, this word or attitude of yours hurts me, that happens to me, I can’t help it, and perhaps with more awareness one remembers why it hurts him so much, instead of this, one gets angry and makes the other pay with his anger. This is what is repeated.

If only he will accept that it is not that he does not love me, that it is not that he does not accept me… because we are on the lookout for gestures, any gesture in the other that helps us trust that he rejects me, see? Once again they reject me, me, me, me… We are very vampires, says Claudio Naranjo, self-referential vampires. But how is such a thing possible! My years of life show countless feats that guarantee my maturity. Some time ago I let out my resentment towards parents, I have overcome that!… Many say, and they may be right. Again, nothing like the scenario of living as a couple to test the reactive and work on clearing the darkness that separates what I see/feel from what there is/is in the You.

Since each person learned to seek love and protection in their own way and according to the circumstances that surrounded them, each person has developed their own strategy, and we call this strategy character. And it is character that one discovers about oneself and the other in the relationship, and it is character that we try to focus on. couple therapy, and more specifically how two characters that try to meet and enjoy are articulated.