If you are asked what can ruin love in a couple, it is very likely that you will think that routine is one of the reasons, since it quickly becomes associated with a boring type of life, lacking in surprises and unstimulating. In fact, some couples avoid living together at all costs precisely to escape from routine, from everyday life, which for them is synonym of monotony Routine and ritual are often confused, the latter loaded with symbolism, as sexologist and therapist Ghislaine Paris points out.
Having breakfast, doing housework or reading together every day is repetitive, yes, but calming, like a familiar piece of music. The everyday is, in reality, the foundation of the relationship. The routine It is a magnificent ally for the members of the couple, as it provides them with stability and security. Everyday life becomes monotonous or boring, not because you have a routine with your partner, but because you stop evolving individually, remaining comfortable in a predictable and risk-free relationship.
Keys to leaving routine behind as a couple
1. Keep the ‘spark’
The key is to preserve surprise, creativity and mystery and not get carried away by the current of what is known, easy and safe, maintaining the desire for renewal, which facilitates the creation of new elements in the Relationship In addition to taking care of the above, as is known, it is essential to maintain good, respectful communication.
We are aware that outbursts hurt us and that tolerating them is harmful to our self-esteem (self-esteem). The lack of dialogue or a dialogue that is usually passive or aggressive deteriorates daily life as a couple. A common mistake It is believing that our partner knows our needs at all times and what we expect from them. It is difficult for our partner to always correctly intuit what we are thinking or feeling, which makes it easier and more effective to communicate directly to him or her. It is in our best interest to be able to express to our partner our desires, feelings, needs, opinions, complaints,… and do so while respecting them and in a way that they understand us.
3. Improve communication
Express our desires and needs as requests, and not as demanding demands, so as not to generate defenses and facilitate empathy: “I would like you to arrive earlier for our appointments so I don’t have to wait so long” instead of “you have to arrive earlier.” Although it may seem obvious, there are times when we do not realize what is happening to the other person. The Verbal communication It must be consistent with the non-verbal. Listen carefully to our partner to understand what they are telling us, looking straight at them. And then repeating with our words what we have understood will help her perceive more clearly that we have heard her. Then it’s your turn to reply. Be clear about this premise: “I am the one who feels one way or another and it is not the others who make me feel another way.”
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom, said Viktor E. Frankl. That is, we take charge of what we feel and think and we express it for example by saying “I feel bad when you are late”, instead of “you irritate me when you are late”. It is better to ask questions (“haven’t you been able to take out the trash?”), rather than accusations (“you’re doing your thing, you’re not throwing out the trash!”).
4. Avoid accumulating negative emotions
When you criticize your partner, there is a greater chance that your partner will change if you refer to the facts (“your toast has been burning lately, could you be more careful to remove it sooner?”) than to him or her (“you always burn your toast! You are a disaster!”). Avoid accumulating negative emotions without communicating them, since you could “explode” one day in an inappropriate and destructive way. Try not to use the overly general terms “always” or “never”, as they are rarely entirely true and tend to label people.
Thus, it is better for you to say, for example, “sometimes I feel disoriented with your behavior,” than to say: “I never understand what you do.” Refuse “excessive sincerity”; That is, think things through very carefully before making statements to your partner that could be harmful to both of you. In any case, use constructive language to express what you want and need. And many more assertive or non-violent communication strategies that exist that we can use to direct ourselves with empathy, taking care of ourselves and those we love to that our relationships endure
