“I’m Not One Of Those”: The Drawbacks Of Mental Rigidity

Excess mental rigidity when defining yourself is one of the reasons that can sometimes cause great psychological discomfort.

We all have a personality component where we register our moral and personal values, what we consider acceptable or not, both about ourselves and others. We also need what is called cognitive closure, That is, we tend to look for concrete and clear answers that reduce uncertainty and ambiguity as much as possible.

However, if you try to pigeonhole yourself with overly rigid boundaries, beliefs, and judgments, an internal struggle will set in, triggering symptoms such as self-reproach, guilt, and constant self-doubt.

“I am not one of those parents who…”, “I am not one of those women who…”, “we are not one of those couples who…”.

Most of the time you don’t judge yourself for having committed a crime (in that case guilt would be necessary and justified), but you torment yourself for having thought badly of someone, for having lost your nerve, for wondering if you want to continue in your life. marriage, for questioning if you like your job, for being jealous… «I’m not So“, you say to yourself. Your mind establishes an equivalence between a thought, an emotion or a behavior and a personal trait. And then everything starts to get cloudy.

Fantasizing, feeling or doing something at a certain moment are not elements that define you as a person. Just because one day you lost your temper doesn’t mean that be an uncontrolled person, or that you have fantasized about another person who is not your partner does not mean that be unfaithful… Suffering arises from seeing the distance between that idealized image of yourself and the reality you live. In the world of ideas everything seems so simple, easy and orderly…

It is good to have your own personal structure because, as I told you before, we all need that cognitive closure that reduces ambiguity, but said structure must be permeable and flexible enough to accept and adopt the changes that life brings you. Because they happen, because they are inevitable. Are you the same now as you were ten years ago? By nature, experience records new information in your brain and it is forced to change, to reorganize, to reinvent itself constantly.

Labeling yourself helps set a certain channel, but it also makes you feel guilty and uneasy when you get out of it.

Life mechanisms to help you learn

Has it ever happened to you that, suddenly, one day you find yourself doing or saying something that you swore never to do or say? It is a very common phenomenon, like a kind of message from life that urges you to stop judging others and yourself, to be compassionate, to have an open mind, to not take anything seriously enough to make you make you suffer more than necessary. Because everything is temporary and will pass.

One of the greatest strengths you can develop is precisely the ability to accept change in your points of view, experiences and emotions. Being able to accept yourself at every moment with what you are and have enough detachment to be able to say “goodbye” to what no longer suits you and then “hello” to the next stage.

“I am going to experience everything that comes my way with an open and critical mind.”

With these words a good friend informed me of her new attitude towards life. Today they seem perfect to illustrate what flexibility is and stopping fighting against what is inevitable.

When she said “critical mind” she was not talking about mental criticism, but rather the limit of not embarking on something negative and harmful. And to be moderately satisfied you have to be very honest and sincere with yourself. Even if it costs you, because the mind likes to have things clear without taking into account whether they are a lie or whether they are no longer useful. If you focus on what you look like and not on what you want, it is difficult for you to lead a coherent life and be internally integrated.

The key would be to be faithful to your beliefs, but be able to renegotiate that commitment if your desires and circumstances change.

And you, what unthinkable change have you experienced? Are you immersed in a project that you would never have thought of embarking on?