About Feminism, Family Conciliation and Shared Custody.

Women have to give men the opportunity to be “caregivers”, they have the right and, of course, the duty to be.

From the conviction that I am a consistent, and even recalcitrant, feminist, I allow myself this humble article in which, instead of criticizing men for not providing us with equality, I address ourselves to us.

Let’s start with the much-used family conciliation that stresses us out, conditions us and contributes to us having the glass ceiling professionally. Although some say that this sounds stale (they are usually those who have never taken it for granted), all (or almost) of the co-workers I have had – not to mention myself – have always complained about having to carry their shoulders the weight of the family organization. All of them (or almost) coordinate shopping, schools, cooking, doctors, pediatricians, family parties, cleaning, etc. etc And they have, at the very least, the ultimate responsibility.

In the best of cases, tasks are shared, but control is not given up. And, I say well, it does not give way. Certainly no one fights for having the “honor” of having to remember the vaccination schedule, the children’s costume party, the purchase of yogurt, the hanging of laundry… so, if we assume it, well, Alas! we stay forever. And, the worst thing is that we are convinced that, without our enormous efforts, the family would be chaos.

I don’t think anyone doubts that men can do the same thing too. Each one in his own way, of course, not ours; In many cases, they show less interest than we do… it may be, but nothing happens either; They are not usually obsessed with cleanliness or order, well… so what? They don’t impose fines for leaving the kitchen untied or the bed unmade; And if the child’s costume is shabbier, what difference does it make? Surely, if something is important, they will not forget it. I have heard many times colleagues giving precise and unquestionable instructions, without leaving the possibility for their partners to do “their way” what they surely can and should do. (I repeat that here I am not going to talk about their attitude, which is another question).

When we get divorced, we see that our children are still alive… in the hands of their parents. And this brings me to another topic that is perhaps more controversial and, without a doubt, more important for everyone. A friend told me the other day: “now the conservatives are in favor of shared custody and the progressives are not…” he said it in disbelief and, honestly, I don’t understand it either.

The only reason I can think of that some parents – men – should not be given JOINT CUSTODY is because they do not deserve it: they have not taken care of their children while living as a couple, while the children were young. That’s true, there are many cases like that, probably the majority, but still, even if THEY DON’T DESERVE IT I think it’s better for everyone to share:

-For the children because they do not lose either of them and because in their mental scheme it will not remain that the mother is someone who cares and the father someone who pays; but they both care and pay, and so perhaps we will evolve, finally, towards an egalitarian society.

-It is better for us that we will have time to develop other facets, in addition to the maternal one: the professional one with less stress, our hobbies and, we will even have time for friends and loves. Plus, our children will see us as complete people.

-And it will be better for parents, who will develop those facets of care that, of course, they are capable of doing and that turn them into more complete and better human beings. They will have the opportunity to see how difficult it is to reconcile work and family and that can even influence the improvement of working hours and the real use of the time that we all spend – them and us – in the workplace.

Of course, I don’t think it should be imposed. We will have to convince. It is always better.