Ambivalent Attachment: What Is It And How To Detect It?
Human beings are social animals who need the acceptance and care of others. To have a good emotional balance, it is necessary to have relationships with other people based on respect and mutual understanding.
One of the key aspects when it comes to understanding how a person relates to others is the attachment they established in their childhood with their caregivers.
The attachment style has an impact on both the person’s childhood and adulthood, causing the individual to relate to others in a similar way to how they did with their own parents.
In this article we are going to talk about ambivalent attachment in which the person, due to a certain neglect on the part of their parents, behaves in an insecure and extremely suspicious way when interacting with other people.
Ambivalent attachment, also called anxious or resistant, is one of the four relational styles observed by Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby in their research on interactions between infants and their caregivers.
These researchers observed that About 10% of the children observed showed distressing behavior when their mothers left them and, when they did not leave the room, these babies remained in a state of alert.
In ambivalent attachment there is strong insecurity and fear of being abandoned. Children behave very suspiciously in the presence of strangers, they cry and are upset if their parents are not there, but when they return, they are not comforted and even reject them.
The cause of this behavior lies in how parents take care of their children. In ambivalent attachment there is an intermittent caregiver-infant interaction, that is, the parent or person responsible for the baby is only emotionally aware of the baby half of the time, or even on very few occasions.
On some occasions, the caregiver appears calm and attentive to the child, giving the baby proper attention and satisfactorily recognizing its needs. However, In others, the opposite happens, that is, the caregiver is not available to the infant, causing the child to see the adult’s behavior as something unpredictable. Since the baby needs the attention of her caregiver to survive, the baby will do everything possible to make the adult take care of him.
Normally, in these types of situations, the baby does not receive an immediate response from his caregiver when he tries to get attention. Thus, the infant learns that in order to be listened to, she must insist again and again, even to the point of exhaustion.
As time goes by, children grow and become very emotionally dependent adults. They need the attention of others to feel good, they are afraid of exploring new things on their own, and they tend to exaggerate their needs.
What is attachment theory?
Before going into more depth about the characteristics of ambivalent attachment, it is necessary to talk about attachment theory. Attachment is understood as the bond that exists between a baby and a caregiver, whether one of the parents or a legal guardian.
This bond is of great importance given that the baby, who is still very dependent, needs the care of an adult to survive. This relationship can and should become very intimate throughout the person’s life
Ainsworth discovered, from her research with mothers and their children, four types of attachment:
A good attachment involves a multitude of positive emotions and provides security and protection. The caregiver is a refuge for the infant, as well as a source of resources and knowledge. Furthermore, the caregiver is a secure base through which the infant can satisfy her curiosity about the outside world without fear of fear.
In the interaction between baby and caregiver, two types of behaviors can occur On the one hand, the search for closeness towards the caregiver, with the intention of calming her emotional discomfort or basic needs.
On the other hand, explore the outside world and develop emotionally and cognitively. The quality of attachment will depend on how the caregiver knows how to see these behaviors in their baby.
Characteristics of ambivalent attachment
In ambivalent attachment, a series of characteristics can be observed that manifest in the infant or adult whose childhood was marked by this type of baby-caregiver interaction.
1. Lack of self-esteem
All babies need their parents to care for and protect them However, in the case of infants who have developed ambivalent attachment, it happens that their parents have not been able to adequately meet the child’s needs.
Based on this, children who have suffered this type of relationship with their parents develop the belief that others are not going to pay them enough attention.
Furthermore, they believe that to be well they constantly need the company and dedication of others.
Because of this, both in childhood and in adulthood, people who have developed this type of attachment base their self-esteem on the way others treat them.
Since this self-esteem is low and they seek the dedication of others, these people can allow certain behaviors that involve both physical and verbal abuse, believing that they do not deserve anything more.
On many occasions, people with this type of attachment blame others for their own problems and negative emotions.
They also have a low degree of emotional control showing themselves easily irascible and alterable.
On many occasions, these people consider that the problem is not theirs, but rather that of others who do not know how to behave appropriately.
3. Toxic relationships
In all attachment styles there is a tendency to replicate the relationship that was had with the parents, only this time with the children, partner or friends.
In the ambivalent attachment style, there is an insecure caregiver-baby relationship, in which sometimes enough time is dedicated to the infant and other times not.
Thus, people who have developed this type of attachment tend to have relationships in which they are occasionally emotionally available.
Jealousy, emotional discomfort, distrust and insecurity are common Also, in romantic relationships, there is a fear that the partner will end up abandoning him, always having the belief that he can find someone better than him.
4. Ambivalence towards other people
Ambivalent children acquire strategies to be the center of their parents’ attention, especially fearing that they may abandon them.
However, once they have managed to make time for them, they become resentful and angry towards their caregivers.
Thus, these types of children cry inconsolably in the absence of their parents but, when their parents have returned and try to contact them, the little ones appear distant, trying to keep their distance but just enough so as not to feel abandoned.
This inconsistent way of behaving will prevail throughout the person’s entire life showing a ‘neither with nor without you’ behavior.
5. Manipulation
To prevent your loved ones from ending up abandoning you, or believing that at some point they will stop giving you enough attention, It is common for people who have developed ambivalent attachment to resort to emotional manipulation
As children, they do everything possible to stay attached to their caregivers when they see that they have to leave or that they are going to be away from them for some time, no matter how brief.
Upon reaching adulthood, people with this type of relational style will do everything possible to ensure that their partner dedicates as much time as possible to them, sometimes trying to isolate their partner from their group of friends and family.
Comments are also frequent in which the other person is made to feel bad, making them see that, if they make any kind of attempt to momentarily distance themselves from them, they should feel guilty.
On the other hand, people with ambivalent attachment will try to do everything possible to satisfy their partner, even forgetting about their own needs. However, this will change when the other shows the slightest attempt to get their own space, when the time comes for reproaches and jealousy.
There are extreme and clearly abusive cases in which these people interfere in their partner’s personal life, such as, for example, looking at their cell phone and seeing who they have spoken to, reading their letters, looking in their diaries, rummaging through their bag…
Can this type of attachment be treated?
Research that has addressed attachment styles has come to the conclusion that it is quite difficult to modify how the person relates to others, given the great depth that the caregiver-baby bond acquires, having repercussions throughout the entire life. life.
But this does not mean that, if the person does their part and seeks appropriate professional help, they cannot change the way they interact with others.
Through psychological treatment it is possible for the person to achieve a more secure and emotionally stable relational style over time. Also, the person must be aware of what their real needs are and to what extent these can be influenced or not by the actions of others.
In therapy, the person with ambivalent attachment learns that they do not need to turn to other people to be well, which can calm your anxiety by reflecting on how you are at the moment. They are also made to understand that the fact that a person is not physically with them does not mean that they will not return, nor does it mean that they will abandon them for someone ‘better’.
You will learn that you can be emotionally supported without having to have the person in the same room.
The adults with this attachment were children who did not explore the world around them, since they did not feel safe enough to do so. In therapy they learn that they should not be afraid and that they can satisfy their curiosity without having to have the protection or company of other people at all times.
With enough work, People who developed ambivalent attachment can make personal progress developing what has been called acquired secure attachment, which is synonymous with healthy romantic relationships, emotional well-being and a considerable increase in self-esteem.
