Assertive Indifference: What It Is And How It Applies To Conflicts

Assertive indifference is a term that, although seemingly contradictory, is actually one of the best strategies we can use to overcome relational conflicts.

Originally applied to the field of romantic relationships, the idea behind it is applicable to absolutely any environment in which there is a social interaction, where one subject tries to provoke another by saying or doing something offensive.

Assertive indifference is a behavior that voluntarily blocks any type of external reaction to an unpleasant stimulus, acting as if it didn’t affect us. Let’s see in a little more detail what it consists of.

What is assertive indifference?

You probably know what indifference is, and you probably also know what assertiveness is. Indifference is the state of mind in which a person does not feel inclination or rejection towards another subject; and assertiveness, a very popular term in psychology, is the ability to be able to say what you think without being aggressive Knowing both terms, the term “assertive indifference” may seem somewhat contradictory to us, even though you have surely put it into practice on more than one occasion.

One might wonder how such a concept can exist. If assertiveness is the ability to be able to say what we think, make claims or defend our rights without resorting to physical or verbal violence, how is it possible that there is something called assertive indifference? The truth is that you can indeed be assertively indifferent and, in fact, it is very effective. Assertive indifference is a very useful tool when we want to avoid conflicts with other people or being manipulated. It is about voluntarily blocking any external reaction to a stimulus of social origin.

To put it more directly: it means avoiding getting into trouble. It is the ancient strategy of not flinching when someone tries to provoke us. It is applying the maxim of “foolish words, deaf ears” And not only words, but also offensive gestures or any action that is directed at us with the purpose of making us react irritated. Being assertively indifferent is not reacting and remaining the same as we were when faced with an annoying or uncomfortable situation.

So that we understand it better, let’s see it with a mundane example. Let’s imagine that a classmate called us a nickname, something that bothers us a lot. In this specific situation, responding with assertive indifference would mean not flinching when that person addresses us with that nickname. By behaving like this we are telling him that we don’t care what he calls us. This way we will not create a conflict and, probably, over time that partner will stop doing it.

Naturally, it is pretending. It is simulated behavior, behaving in a way that deep down we do not feel If we are told something ugly, every person’s natural response is to respond and become defensive, but that would be like adding fuel to the fire. On the other hand, by not responding when someone tells us or does something that bothers us, we make the sender of that behavior understand that what he is doing does not affect us at all. The idea is not to show the other person what we feel.

So, what we are looking for with this indifference is not showing our real emotions to those who try to provoke us This way he will not know our weaknesses and will not be able to take advantage of them by manipulating us. It also happens that, by applying this tool, by not reacting to the unpleasant things they say or do to us, a conflict that will escalate will be avoided. This tool is capable of eliminating any malicious behavior towards us, it just requires a little strength, patience and letting time pass.

Assertive indifference within the couple

This kind of indifference It can be used for absolutely any relational area, one in which it is most useful is that of the couple Relationships are often rose gardens, but sometimes they also become battlefields. Power play dynamics can occur within the couple and one of its members wants to test how much influence they are capable of having over the other. Men and women do it, in heterosexual relationships and also in homosexual ones.

One of the moments in which this is most evident is when what is colloquially called “testing” occurs. This is when one partner wants to test how much influence she has on the other, especially at the beginning of the relationship. It also happens when the couple breaks up and, without much conviction, one of the two former members wants to measure what possibilities she has to resume the relationship.

As we can see, it is a pulse of forces. To prevent this from escalating, assertive indifference is crucial, a tool that in this context would prevent some conflicts during the relationship, in addition to avoid certain manipulations and emotional blackmail when the relationship has ended

Using assertive indifference can serve to prevent some conflicts during the relationship, or to avoid certain manipulations when the relationship has already ended. Pretending that you don’t feel anything, even though it isn’t true, is a good tactic to protect yourself from an escalation of psychological manipulation

A tool to protect ourselves from conflict

As we have commented, assertive indifference is applicable to many social areas. This tool is applicable to any day-to-day conflict situation.

Differences with others, even with people closest to us, are part of the routine. In most cases, these differences are not important, but sometimes they lead to larger conflicts. It’s as if a small spark could set an entire haystack on fire. One way or another, we constantly have to decide whether to make that difference escalate to unsuspected levels.

It is precisely a trait of assertiveness to decide what is given importance and what is not. Assertiveness is still that social skill that allows us defend our rights effectively, put a limit on abuse without being aggressive or violent However, for it to be effective, we also have to learn to distinguish when our rights are at serious risk and when they are not.

Not every conflict situation requires us to actively do something. Letting go, which is part of assertive indifference, implies having compared the pros and cons of responding to something that harms us. Responding to a pejorative comment or offensive gesture should only be done if it endangers our physical integrity or steals something of value from us.

We can conclude that assertive indifference is a tool to manage potentially conflictive situations intelligently Doing nothing may be the best way to deal with a provocation or attack. Being able to do nothing even though deep down in our being we would like to attack is, without a doubt, one of the best ways to avoid absurd conflicts.