Honesty is a value that is usually claimed as a necessary element in every relationship. The idea is often defended that by being totally sincere with the person we love we will have a healthy, functional and mature relationship.
But although the theory makes it seem very simple, in practice it is much more complicated. There are many times when telling the truth, as we feel it or how we see it, can strain the love in our relationship or even cause the couple to end up separating.
Can honesty be a problematic factor in romantic relationships? This is the question that we are going to answer below, looking at some situations where telling things as they have been is the last thing we should do.
No matter how faithful and transparent we are with our partner, there are many situations that, although innocent, make us wonder if we should tell our loved one. It may be that, in a totally disinterested way, we have “taught it” to a co-worker. It can also happen that, while on the subway, we have had a look with a stranger and that he has responded to us. It may also happen that our ex has sent us a message in which he asks us to come back.
All these situations are not a sign of betrayal or infidelity to the couple. We have not slept with another person nor have we trusted them with an emotional intimacy that we had reserved only for our partner, so, in principle, telling them should not change things. However, would we be able to tell him what has happened? Do we know how he will respond? To what extent is telling him that this has happened, despite being somewhat innocent and that in practice it was not treason, going to sit well with him?
There are countless situations that, despite not being a betrayal or destroying the trust our partner has in us, are not going to sit well with the person we love. Yes, you should have no reason to think that we have hurt you, since we have not, but we can make you doubt whether we are really going to do it to you. You may think that we have noticed another person and that it is their fault, thinking that we look for in others what he or she lacks or cannot give us.
Naturally, in all these situations we find ourselves faced with a dilemma that leads us to decide between two options: tell them or keep quiet. According to what we are usually told, the basis of a good relationship is honesty, but to what extent? Although being honest is seen as a high ethical value in our culture, This value does not always have to be socially pleasant or functional behavior That is, it does not always guarantee that we will get along with someone when we are honest with them. In fact, the opposite can happen.
Depending on our partner’s personality, how he interprets what we tell him and other factors such as his self-esteem and history of infidelities, confessing any of the aforementioned situations can be counterproductive. Nothing has happened, but in our partner’s mind it will. It will go round and round like the drum of a washing machine, so many revolutions that it will end up being a reason for reproach: “No, you haven’t cheated on me, but why do you want to cheat on me?”
As we have been saying, most likely you are interpreting things in a very exaggerated way, whether you are a man or a woman. No matter how much we trust our partner, sometimes we don’t want to know absolutely everything that happens to them and everything they think, no matter how faithful he has proven to be. In the heat we are capable of saying a lot of stupid things, and we can use things that have not happened as attacks and criticisms towards her. For this reason, unless it is something extremely necessary that must be told, there is no need to worry our loved one.
It should be said that Every situation and every person is different It may be that what has happened to us, such as our ex talking to us about coming back, causes us deep discomfort because we experience not telling our partner as a kind of deception. In this case, as a favor to ourselves, we can tell them, but in a filtered way, calmly, specifying that it was not us who contacted our ex. We tell them because it is clear that if we don’t, our concern will end up affecting the couple.
In other cases it may happen that we see this message from our ex as something no more important than one of the many SPAM messages we receive on our mobile. In this case, why tell him? If that message does not make us feel sick inside or mean that we want to get back with our ex, there is no point in risking worrying our partner about something that has not happened nor is going to happen, causing them harm caused by their interpretation of the situation, and not the situation itself.
We could expose all the situations in which, if we counted them, we could risk having a real relationship problem despite it being nothing, but the list would be endless. Are situations in which we can believe that we have done nothing wrong, because they have meant nothing to us, but this could destroy our partner if they do not know how to fit it in the most rational, realistic and objective way possible. You can’t blame him, love is not rational, and everything that happens around him can hardly be interpreted that way.
Before being honest with our partner about something that is trivial and seemingly innocent, we must ask ourselves the following question: “Will sincerity hurt our partner?” We must know how to assess whether it is advisable to tell him what has happened to us. The things that must be communicated should never be subtracted. If we know that something we are going to say is going to hurt you, we will only say that thing if it is extremely necessary. If it is not necessary and it could harm you, why tell them?
Talk to filters
There are other aspects of a couple’s life that are purely internal to the relationship, that is, in which third parties are not involved, but which are said completely and absolutely sincerely. there is a risk of causing tension For example, it may happen that one day our girlfriend approaches us and asks us if the new dress she has worn suits her. We, who think not, tell him clearly that it looks bad on him, that it does not suit him at all and that perhaps the best thing would be to return it.
It is clear that we have been honest here, and we have also damaged our relationship as a couple. Our “truth” can collide directly with her “truth”, who may think that she looks very flattering in that dress that, although she has not told us, she has deliberately chosen for us, spending hours and hours deciding in the store to make sure it fits. that caused us the most intense impression. Of course, telling her that she doesn’t suit her is not going to sit well with her.
This case is a clear example of why unfiltered honesty is bad. We may have been sincere, expressly thinking about the good of our partner. As they tell us that the best thing for any relationship is to tell the truth, clearly and concisely, we, with very good intentions, have done so. The problem is that, Sometimes we forget that filters are there for something, and that something is to soften the blow We cannot say things exactly as we think, much less to a loved one who does many of his things thinking of satisfying us.
This is why here we return to the idea that each couple is different. What may feel good to one and be seen as constructive criticism, the other may see as an attack on both their identity and their decisions, and their self-esteem will be damaged by it. If we love someone we must learn how to tell them things, both those we like and those we don’t like about them, and if there is something that we know could make them feel bad and that it is not urgent that they change, why tell them? Let’s accept that it has its strengths and weaknesses, as we also have them.
