Couples Therapy from Constructivist Systemic Therapy

This article makes a brief review of couples therapy from systemic constructivist therapy. Provides important clues for couples in crisis.

Aristophanes, in Plato’s Symposium, says that at the beginning of time human nature was almost perfect. They were beings that seemed to be made up of two people at the same time, with rounded and proportional shapes, and robust and vigorous bodies. But they were also very proud, so they conceived the daring idea of ​​going up to heaven to attack the gods. Faced with this daring, Zeus decided to cut each person into two halves, weakening them, and leaving in the memory of his descendants the nostalgia of the lost unit

This idea of half orange, of romantic love as a search for fulfillment, is one of the expectations that lead us to form a couple. We fantasize about finding an idealized love object, someone who brings together everything that complements us. In this way, love will restore, as the myth tells us, our ancient nature as complete beings.

Couples therapy from a systemic constructivist perspective

Along with this, another expectation usually drives us to construction of a couple It is the idea of ​​belonging to something greater than ourselves, a common space that provides us with mutual help and solidarity. This belonging gives us security and gives us identity.

Between these expectations Many things can happen about how our life as a couple was going to be and its current state. And, on many occasions, the final balance is experienced as lost time, frustration, disappointment or disappointment. If we chose that person some time ago, how have we arrived at continuous arguments, distancing, coldness and lack of care towards the other person and towards ourselves?

In the couple they put themselves in game various aspects A fundamental one is that it provides us with identity. Differentiating ourselves from other couples, we can recognize ourselves as “us”: we are those who met at a cooking class, or those who share a love for nature, or those others who celebrate their anniversary by going out dancing until late.

In addition, we also differ from our parents’ partner. Each of us comes from a different family, with its customs, its values ​​and its particular way of living life. Choosing the best of both worlds and adding other new elements we create our own

Sometimes, however, these processes are tinged with difficulties We no longer like being that couple we were, we look at others and compare ourselves, envying what they are like. We begin to lose our essence and our little world seems to be running out of soul. And this can affect the sense of identity of each of its members (after all, we are throwing stones at our own roof). Problems can also arise because each of us considers, consciously or unconsciously, that things should be done as they were done in our house and we do not reach agreements that satisfy us. These situations can drag on over time, and generate discussions and tensions that are never resolved.

Couples evolve over time. And they do it by adapting to the new needs and vital moments For example, to the birth of children or adoption processes, in the event that a family is formed, to particular personal situations of its members, to job changes, to the dependence of the parents in relation to the children, etc. These changes confront us with what we want and how we are going to achieve it. We are modifying our life project so that it continues to respond to what both participants expect of it. In this way, we grow as people, learning together and facing new challenges, developing more or less creative strategies and solutions.

At this point we can also find that couples do not know what to do to solve their problems, even though at other times they were able to get out of it successfully. Thus, we begin to feel immobilized, stuck and without resources or the ability to generate them. We may have problems understanding each other, setting common goals, or leaving behind behaviors that no longer serve us. We can enter into an unhealthy process for each of the members and that special world that we had created begins to disappear. be threatened In addition, other important events and circumstances can harm couples and put them at risk, such as infidelity, jealousy, violence or the interference of third parties in the couple’s privacy, to name a few examples.

Can couples therapy really help us?

“A tear appeared in his eyes,

and on my lips a phrase of forgiveness;

Pride spoke and his tears were wiped away,

and the phrase on my lips expired.

I go one way, she another

But when I think of our mutual love,

I still say: why was I silent that day?

And she will say: why didn’t I cry?”

Gustavo Adolfo Becquer

The therapy It can help to say the unsaid, to get out of the ivory tower in which we have locked ourselves, to show ourselves vulnerable to the other again and allow our feelings and emotions to emerge. To name the dangers that scare us so much, and that we keep silent about to see if they disappear. It can help us unblock the couple and get them out of the impasse they are in. To open paths to be able to recognize the specificities and particularities of our partner and to once again show off our resources and strengths.

Couples therapy is a brave decision to evaluate how the “couple-house” that we have built is. We will have to check every part of this house: see if it has solid foundations that support the structure; check how strong the walls are, if they insulate from the outside and whether or not they have cracks; determine if the existing windows allow for sufficient ventilation and oxygenation of the entire house or check the roof to determine what condition it is in.

All this will lead us to answer important questions such as: is our house still habitable? Do we have to make renovations? If so, do we want to undertake them? Where are the children, if any, in this process? What does it mean for each one to stay or leave? ?…What we answer these questions, along with the rest of the work done in therapy, will allow us to decide what we want our new path to be like, and whether we want to do it together or separately.