Intimate relationships are one of the most important aspects in our lives; Now, it is human that while we share life with our partner, different ways of seeing and doing things, of facing problems and reacting to conflicts
Faced with this phenomenon, Emotionally Focused Therapy for couples, created by Dr. Sue Johnson, offers solutions: a path to a sincere approach and acceptance of both oneself and the other.
Based on attachment theory, this therapeutic process accompanies each member of the couple to rediscover themselves and their relationship, supporting them in the joint work of co-creating a unique recipe of love: “I am who I am, my partner is who he is and together we are and we create something much bigger, genuine and very personal. A couple relationship in love for two.
Contrary to what we have been traditionally taught, So-called negative emotions (such as anger) acquire a positive meaning in Emotionally Focused Therapy (TFE). Because? Because they are undoubtedly signs that the other person matters to us.
The behaviors we learn to defend what is important to each of us and what we feel inside, They arise especially in moments of conflict and discussion These emotions, what we think and how we act take on their full meaning when we can understand not only where they come from and what their function is to protect us, but also how they also activate emotions, thoughts and behaviors in the couple.
Thus, emotions always have meaning if we see them from attachment theory, the fundamental basis of EFT.
The psychological implications of attachment
Attachment Theory, according to its creator and developer John Bolwby, allows us to understand how human beings need to form secure emotional bonds with the people who matter most to us and how expressions of anger, anguish or depression arise when that connection is broken or broken. puts in danger. It is a theory about relationships and love, that lasting psychological-emotional connection that shapes our behaviors and sustains us throughout our lives. This connection is a secure base from which we can be and do, experience life, and feel understood and accepted
When someone is important to us, we feel a deep connection that we want to maintain because it gives us stability in all aspects of our life. And it is so When we feel that this connection is broken, we react We react to the threat of losing that special connection, we react with anger, sadness and even silence, depending on each person. Arguments appear because we feel that the most important person in our life does not understand us and this hurts us.
By feeling distant, we see our special bond in danger because we stop feeling the other person. As each person has the natural need to feel loved and accepted, when this is not the case we become more reactive in our attempt to protect what we feel, our vulnerability: We protect ourselves by distancing ourselves, disconnecting, becoming openly angry, or both.
A problematic loop
In this way, the base of security that we share with our partner is damaged with each conflict, and if there is no resolution or rapprochement, it deteriorates and can end up feeling broken. When something causes conflict to begin, each person in the couple feels something inside and acts to express themselves and protect what they feel; A negative cycle appears in the way of relating that is repeated over and over again in different situations.
This negative cycle is like a two-way road, a “loop”: what I feel makes me think and feel and I do something to express myself. What I do my partner interprets in a way that also leads him to think and feel something, generating a reactive response of protest.
This, which is repeated over and over again in different discussions, alerts us that we can lose the person we love most, the one who has been chosen as a life companion. For example, when your partner does or says something and you interpret it as not accepting you, on the outside you may show anger, on the inside there is the fear of not being loved. And at that same moment, this anger in you awakens in your partner the thought that no matter what he does, it will never be enough, and he withdraws, physically distances himself, also feeling the fear of not being loved and losing the most important thing in him. his life, your love.
It is then with this distance from your partner, that you feel and interpret that he does not really accept you and you continue to show your anger with the disconnection… and the cycle begins again.
One thing is what we really feel inside, another thing is how we express it and what we let the other see. What happens inside each person and what each person expresses awakens something in the other that reacts in return thus maintaining this active negative cycle that pushes them away when what they really want is to get closer.
The best option is to go to therapy
Therapists focused on emotions are consultants of the negative cycle that the couple lives and how, while this way of relating leads to disconnection and distancing, we can reconnect with who we love
We understand that shutting up and leaving or shouting and wanting to continue talking is always a protest, which what you are looking for is to feel the other again In this way we work in each therapeutic encounter together with the couple, facilitating the connection not only with the emotions that each one feels inside, but with the way of expressing it, which activates the other person’s way of reacting. Both people in the couple have emotions that are important, and that need to be heard to create an attachment bond that feels secure.
“Your partner really matters to you and that’s why you react; if you didn’t care about that important person in your life, you wouldn’t react.”
