Excessive Self-demand, an Evil of Our Time

Imagine that your boss calls you into his office. He is noticeably angry and asks you to sit down. He closes the door behind you and starts yelling at you…

It tells you that you are doing a terrible job. Even though you arrive on time, it tells you that you are breaking schedule only because you are not staying 2 extra hours after your shift.

He also accuses you of a lack of commitment to the company just because you decided not to attend to any pending or work calls during the weekend you spent with your family.

What would you think in a situation like this? Most likely, you would say that your boss is treating you in an inappropriate, disrespectful and ruthless way. Now, ask yourself this: Have you ever treated yourself in a similar way to the boss in the story?

In times when excessive self-demand is normalized as a sign of worth and when being constantly busy sounds like a great achievement, treating yourself with compassion is an act not only of rebellion but also of love.

Next, we will talk about when self-demand stops being healthy and becomes a martyrdom that can severely affect your mental health.

To what extent is self-demand good?

Having a life without goals can be very frustrating, it feels like sailing without direction or energy, while having high standards can be key for you to motivate yourself and give your best in your work, your studies or any aspect of your life.

However, if in this need for constant improvement there is no room for rest or error. There you become the villain of your own life…

Think, for example, about those times when, even though you did your best, you felt like a failure just because things didn’t go “perfect.”

Many times, behind excessive self-demand, there is that feeling that nothing you do is enough, and so you end up wasting your energy to fulfill an ideal that you will never be able to achieve. Although it is true that it is important to want to advance and improve yourself, it makes no sense if that achievement is at the expense of your mental health.

So how is it possible to find a balance? Connecting deeply with yourself to learn to recognize how far to go. Being self-demanding should not mean punishing yourself for every small failure or comparing yourself to standards that are unrealistic or that do not correspond to your time and energy.

If self-demand is helping you progress without losing sight of your well-being, you are on the right track. If you feel that, on the contrary, your physical and mental health are deteriorating due to excessive self-demand, it is time to stop and rethink your route.

Consequences of demanding more than necessary

When self-demand gets out of control, it stops being an ally and becomes a source of problems. Here are some of the most common consequences:

1. Chronic anxiety or stress

Living with the feeling that you always have to do more generates a constant state of alert, and that, wherever you see it, is not healthy at all. In fact, it feels like you can never relax, so you’re always worried about avoiding mistakes or proving that you’re “good enough.”

This level of self-imposed stress can affect your mental and physical health. So, if you feel like you’re pushing yourself too hard, it’s time to breathe and stop.

2. Difficulty making decisions

Due to the very fact of always wanting to do everything perfect, self-demand leads to a kind of obsession with choosing the best option above all, and that paralyzes you.

When you have to make an important decision, you analyze everything over and over again, because you fear that by deciding wrong you will fail. This not only delays every decisive step in your life, but increases your frustration. This is what we know as paralysis by analysis. To get out of the loop, you have to take action and commit 100% to the decision you make.

3. Procrastination

It seems paradoxical, but it is real: excessive self-demand can cause you to postpone important tasks. This happens because when you feel that something must be perfect, the fear of doing it wrong leads you to avoid it completely.

As expected, This procrastination not only affects your productivity, but reinforces the feeling of incompetencewhich leads you to be more and more demanding of yourself.

4. Low self-esteem

Remember how we talked about the feeling of “never being enough”? Well, This negative and constant internal speech is reflected in your self-esteem.

Even if you manage to meet your goals, satisfaction is usually quite fleeting, because instead of enjoying what you have achieved, you focus on what you could have done better. This constant self-criticism very negatively affects your confidence in yourself.

5. Social isolation

Always comparing yourself to others or fearing the judgment of others puts so much pressure on your shoulders that it can even cause distancing.

Self-demand often sets an obstacle for genuine relationships to flourish, as you feel the need to “measure up” to the talents of others or meet the “expectations” that you assume others expect of you.

How to develop excellence from self-compassion

Pursuing excellence does not imply self-punishment. In fact, it is possible to move forward in life with clear goals and ambition, but from a place of self-respect. Here are some ideas to start changing the chip: