Expressing one’s own needs strengthens the union. By taking care of how and what to communicate, the foundations of a relationship based on trust, love and respect are established.
Communicating to a significant person: desires, desires and concerns is not an easy task; There are many factors that distort the message that you want to transmit to the recipient.
Today we present a series of strategies that, although they do not guarantee the adequate interpretation of the message, increase the effectiveness of communication:
Step 1.- Take emotional distance: express yourself when emotion does not overwhelm reasoning. If you have an argument, it is necessary to cool things down until the anger decreases, at least to levels where a respectful conversation can be maintained.
Step 2.- Choose the moment: the two members of the couple must have time to express themselves and listen, with the conviction of not being interrupted during the conversation. It is preferable that it be a quiet place with little sensory stimulation (e.g., avoid having important conversations in a restaurant full of people talking loudly, with music, the waiter occasionally interrupting…).
Step 3.- Send the message using the pronoun “I”: when one expresses their emotions in the second person (You…!), it is very likely that the partner will feel attacked and their ability to empathize will be reduced.
Step 4.- Express feelings: allows the couple to empathize with the emotions experienced by their partner.
Step 5.- Suggest solutions and ask for suggestions: getting stuck in a conflict is only advisable if you are reflecting on the remedy. Providing solutions will untangle the crisis, and asking for suggestions will send the message that the couple’s opinion matters.
Step 6.- Do not behave like a victim, nor like an executioner: a problem must be approached from a perspective that excludes guilt, both your own and that of others. The worst enemy of the solution is a dysfunctional role.
Step 7.- Listen carefully to the interlocutor: pay attention to both praise and criticism, without rushing to reach any conclusion and analyzing whether the criticism is: constructive, only partially valid or useless, and respond accordingly.
Step 8.- Ask for what you really want: analyze which are the non-debatable needs (those that you really want) and which are accessory and can be adapted. The main/priority ones must always be communicated to the other member of the couple to avoid deteriorating the relationship in the long term.
Step 9.- Understand the limitations of others: sometimes, one’s own needs are considered so basic or common that one makes the mistake of thinking that the partner must know what they are, falling into the (wrong) deduction that they should keep them in mind. . On the other hand, certain requests cannot or will not be satisfied, either due to the couple’s lack of interest in changing some aspect of their personality, due to a clash of values ​​or beliefs between the members of the union, or due to the difficulty involved. change certain habits… that is when the couple: either reinvents and adapts, or the union breaks up in the face of the crisis.
Step 10.- Speaking in specific terms: Avoiding generalities increases understanding of the message. For example, instead of verbalizing “I need you to be more affectionate with me,” say: “I would like you to give me a hug when you get home.” The message is clear, direct and concise, that is, understandable.
Expressing one’s own needs strengthens the union. By taking care of how and what to communicate, the foundations of a relationship based on trust, love and respect are established.
“The quality of life is the quality of communication” (Toy Robbins)
Bibliography
Hurtarte, CA, & DÃaz-Loving, R. (2008). Communication and satisfaction: analyzing couple interaction. Ibero-American Psychology, 16(1), 23-27.
Montes-Berges, B. (2009). Patterns of communication, differentiation and satisfaction in the couple relationship: Validation and analysis of these scales in Spanish samples. psychology annals.
