“I Like it but We Don’t Work in Bed”

Has it happened to you that you felt attracted to a person and when you went to bed it didn’t work out? Didn’t you like sex or foreplay? Have you not felt satisfied?

The first sexual relations can be an explosion of positive emotions, but also negative emotions. If the resulting emotions are negative, observation and communication will be essential to understand what is happening and to make a decision.

Continue or not with your relationship because sex is a problem, it must be a decision analyzed and even, why not, consensual. Sometimes the different ways of seeing and living sex are incompatible and that can be the result of a discomfort so intense that it leads us to break up and decide to go our separate ways.

When sex doesn’t work

The first thing we should know is that sex for each person is different and as in other areas of the couple, it is important to communicate. Sex with your partner can be intimacy, or it can be pleasure, or it can also be a way of communicating with the body. Why not explain to your partner what you like? Why not even explain your fantasies to him? Why not tell him what sexual relations mean to you?

Open and explicit communication in sex is essential. But what happens when what stops you is shame? Or when what stops you from enjoying and letting yourself go are your previous experiences?

When the problem is shame

When the difficulty you feel is shame, it is very important to explain it. Maybe it’s shame of your body, you don’t feel comfortable with your body and that leads you to also feel uncomfortable when you are naked. Explaining to your partner your physical complexes or what makes you uncomfortable about sex is a way to produce a physical approach and even an emotional approach.

Being able to talk to your partner about what makes you complex will be a way for your partner to understand what is happening to you and what you are feeling at the time of having a sexual relationship.

When your partner understands this, it is likely that changes will begin to occur in the sexual relationship and that your partner will show you more confidence. Sex is not only something physical, it is also transmitting love, affection, sensuality… Working on your complexes and communicating them to your partner will help them put themselves in your shoes and understand what is happening to you.

When the problem is your previous experiences

Sex is different for everyone and, it may happen, that your previous experiences have led you to create certain beliefs around sex that prevent you from opening up to it and enjoying it.

It is important in this case observe and analyze them Analyzing the reality or not of your beliefs, analyzing your manias and even analyzing your fears, will lead you to understand the reason for what is happening to you and what is leading to sex being a problem. Communicate your fears to your partner. Sometimes sharing them leads you to see another point of view and begin to free yourself from them.

If you have managed to talk and understand what both you and your partner need from sex, it is essential to reach an agreement. Perhaps understanding that your partner likes something different than you will lead you to adapt or even make a decision.

It may be that your partner’s way of experiencing sex leads you to feel very uncomfortable, or perhaps you see that in reality what you have are different fantasies… whatever you observe and analyze, it is time to make a decision. Sex should not mean pain or suffering, discomfort and, when it does, it is important to have the freedom to decide.

However, the first thing to do is communicate Remember that both ways are valid, but if the discomfort is intense, perhaps this is your sign of incompatibility.

When the difficulty is sexual dysfunction

Vaginismus, anorgasmia, premature ejaculation… are sexual disorders that make sexual relations difficult and cause suffering in both the person who suffers from them and the partner. These sexual dysfunctions may appear after organic factors or, in their absence, due to psychological factors.

When sexual dysfunction cannot be explained by organic factors, we can think that there are psychological factors behind it that should be worked on psychologically and understood. In this case, sexual dysfunction is only “the tip of the iceberg”, that is, it actually hides limiting beliefs, concerns, traumatic experiences, relational difficulties (for example, other difficulties with the partner that are evident in the dysfunction) or even factors external to the relationship (for example, traumatic life events). In these cases, psychology and couples therapy are essential.

In conclusion

Whatever you’ve noticed that makes sex difficult for you, or that sex is a problem, talk about it openly with your partner Sex is the perfect environment to open up to our partner and show our desires and what we like. Negotiating with your partner, asking them to do certain things… is essential.

Second, accept that your partner may have different ways of viewing sex. Both forms are valid and what needs to be discovered is whether they are incompatible with each other or whether points of union can be found.

And third, if after having spoken with your partner and negotiated how you like or what you need from sexual relations, it continues to make you uncomfortable, perhaps it is time to consider couples therapy or make a decision to move on or leave your relationship.

A healthy relationship is one in which we negotiate, talk and freely express our desires. The couple should not hurt emotionally or cause discomfort.