From Narcissistic To Possessive Adults: The Main Consequences Of The Hyper-Gifted Child
Package after package, you haven’t finished opening a gift and you’re already looking forward to the next. He tears the paper in a hurry, looking out of the corner of his eye at what his brother has and shouts: “I wanted that one!” This scene, common in many homes during the Christmas holidays, reflects a phenomenon that worries experts: the gifted child syndrome.
In Spain, the average number of gifts per child amounts to ten during the Christmas holidays, a figure that specialists consider alarming. Doctor in Psychology Javier Urra, expert in therapeutic pedagogy, summarizes it like this: “We live in a consumer society with an oversaturation of material gifts. We give away much more than is necessary and more than a child’s emotionality can accept,” he says.
But how many gifts is too many gifts? Faced with this question, Teresa, mother of a seven-year-old child, begins to tell. “We do Santa Claus at both grandparents’ houses, and maybe he opens 4 or 5 packages per house. Then, in Reyes, they open another 7 or 8. There are too many, I’ll tell you,” he summarizes. Although they try to establish limits with the family, the reality is complicated: “One says that’s enough, but the other wants to add something more, and of course, the packages multiply”, he admits. Even the little one notices it: “He says he has to write the letter and think carefully about what it says because he himself believes there are too many things. The luck is that, for now, he knows how to open the gifts slowly and enjoy everything.”
Excessive gifting has both immediate and long-term consequences. In the short term, children tend to not value gifts and lose hope. But the emotional and psychological consequences will also be felt in the future. According to Urra, an excess of material gifts as children can lead to a demanding personality, with difficulties in tolerating frustration: “Children who are over-gifted will probably be adults who will ask for more from life than they can find,” points out the famous psychologist.
“The frustration generated by these excesses can lead adolescents and young people to look for ill-advised shortcuts to find immediate satisfaction. These people tend to see the world from an egocentric perspective, believing that everything should revolve around them. “They are not very empathetic and have little ability to put themselves in the other’s shoes,” warns Urra, who adds that the overload of material gifts can also turn the little ones in the house into more possessive people, causing them, in the long run, to transfer that vision to people; That is, he sees others as objects destined to satisfy his desires, a fact that will make it difficult to form deep and healthy emotional relationships. “This has consequences in the personal and loving sphere, where empathy and reciprocity are fundamental,” emphasizes who was the first Ombudsman for Minors in Spain.
Given this panorama, experts propose clear measures to combat this phenomenon. One of the most popular recommendations is to limit the number of gifts to four: one they want, one they need, one to read, and one to share or learn from. This approach not only reduces consumerism, but also encourages values such as gratitude, enjoying family time, and appreciation for what has been received.
Educational and family advisor Ane Kerejeta advocates negotiating with children when preparing their wish lists. “When you ask for a gift from Santa Claus or the Three Kings, you are also being educated. Choosing the gift is also educating, he points out. I plead for him less is more and, above all, I recommend that one of the gifts be an experience, something that is not materialas a plan to enjoy with parents,” Kerejeta proposes. Urra goes further and proposes asking the child to give one of his toys: “Making this type of proposal is preparing them to be generous,” he explains.
In addition to giving toys that encourage creativity, free play and interaction with other children, Kerejeta emphasizes the need to seek to share time with our children “What we see in recent times is that there is no presence of parents in the game and free time, due to work and daily logistics. This lack of presence is sometimes compensated for with material things,” laments the educational advisor.
The limits with the family
Silvia and Marcos are parents of two children, ages 1 and 4. This year, the first with two children at home, they have tried to minimize the avalanche of gifts by following a seemingly simple rule: “Two gifts arrive at home for each one and we also try to make them interchangeable or to share, to encourage them to play together despite of the age difference.” However, both they and Teresa agree that the real challenge comes when trying to establish boundaries with the family.
“We ask everyone to please limit gifts to just one gift per house, but we can’t do it and if we add grandparents, uncles and friends, the number of gifts is disproportionate,” says Sílvia. “In addition, not all family members understand it and some have even gotten angry. It is a battle that we have lost,” adds this mother of two, resigned.
The problem of over-gifted children, reflects Urra, It is not just an individual issue, but a reflection of a social dynamic which raises a deeper concern: What kind of society are we building? “We are what is left of the child we were. If we hyper-gift, we are creating a society made up of clients and not citizens,” reflects Urra. In this sense, he concludes, it is essential to commit to an education based on values and experiences, which fosters empathy, solidarity and the ability to enjoy what is essential.
