Horizontal Relationships: Key to Healthy Relationships

What most influences our health and well-being are relationships, especially intimate relationships. This was demonstrated in a study by Harvard University in 1938 in which over 80 years they began to analyze the health of 268 students until reaching 1,300 participants.

Robert Waldinger, director of the study and professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical school, showed that experiencing happiness and well-being in relationships has a huge influence on our health. He explains that having important intimate relationships such as friendship, partner, family, is what generated the most happiness for the participants throughout their lives. These links are a protection against the obstacles that arise, since they help us delay physical and mental decline, regardless of social class or genetics.

The study shows that people’s level of satisfaction with their relationships at age 50 is a better predictor of physical health than their cholesterol levels. It was also found that Satisfactory relationships have a protective effect on mental health People who have unsatisfactory relationships have a higher rate of emotional and physical pain.

The importance of not neglecting relationships

Felt loneliness, which is the opposite of chosen loneliness, produces more cognitive deterioration, worsening of any type of illness, and shortened longevity. It causes unhealthy habits to be established (increased consumption of alcohol, drugs, television…) that increase cortisol levels. The brain uses the same areas for physical pain and social pain People with good personal relationships have lower rates of anxiety and depression. They have greater self-esteem, empathy, and their relationships are more reliable and cooperative. They experience the feeling of being loved, cared for and listened to.

Loneliness can negatively affect health. Causing interrupted sleep, elevated blood pressure, and higher levels of stress. It can also affect the immune system and decrease the general feeling of satisfaction. It is also a risk factor in antisocial behavior, suicide and depression. I mean imposed loneliness, not self-chosen loneliness.

According to Gotman, a psychology professor and member of the American Psychological Association, people in conflictive relationships have higher bacterial and viral infections, more mental problems, and worse recovery rates after an illness. Conflictive relationships not only harm the people involved, but also the people around them Stress shortens our longevity.

There is a correlation between stress hormones measured in children’s urine and their parents’ level of conflict. On the contrary, when we have healthy relationships, external factors will be cushioned by them, and they will protect us from stress.

How do we maintain healthy relationships?

Arun Mansukhani, psychologist and sexologist, explains it to us through two concepts: horizontal and vertical relationships.

An intimate relationship is not possible without horizontality In contrast, vertical relationships are established through the following factors: dominance, control, responsibility to the other for my happiness, passivity (the other continually pulling on the relationship). Verticality: I take care of you a lot (codependence) or I make you take care of me (dependency).

When we are little, we have a vertically dependent relationship with our parents: they take care of us, and we are cared for. Throughout our lives, dependence does not disappear until we depend horizontally on each other. One cares, and the other receives, but also the one who receives cares and both give. This would be an ideal dependency relationship between adults: interdependence. There are adults who in their relationships do not seek horizontality, but rather verticality, who continue to look for someone to take care of them or provide for them. There are others who are looking for someone to care for or save, or sometimes someone to dominate.

If we manage not to depend on anyone, we are psychopaths. For the relationship to be healthy, there should be no fear. Above all, they influence: fundamental attachments: the capacity for autonomy and the capacity for intimacy. If we are not good at autonomy, we are going to have dependency relationships. If we don’t trust others, we think they are going to hurt us, there are problems having intimacy. If we don’t have relational security, we can’t have intimacy. The acquired secure attachment entails a healthy way of relating.

Thus, we need 4 components in horizontal relationships:

How can we have autonomy?

Autonomy is due to emotional regulation That is, everything I do to influence my mood. We self-regulate and co-regulate. Self-regulation is everything we do alone that calms our mood: sports, meditation, relaxation, distraction… Co-regulation is what we do with another person or people to feel better: call someone when we feel bad, and talk to another person to calm ourselves down.

There are people who do one of the two things very well. When we are good at self-regulation, when there is conflict, we tend to isolate ourselves, before reconnecting with others. However, for other people, the opposite happens. They co-regulate well, but have difficulty self-regulating When there is a conflict, they need to talk about it and find people to vent to. These couples are very common.

The person who self-regulates, avoids conflict and isolates himself, and the one who co-regulates, will go after the first. They are not going to co-regulate, they are going to deregulate each other. Coregulation or deregulation is the central element that distinguishes people who function well from those who function poorly in relationships. Conflicts are not resolved, they are put aside. What makes a relationship work is how we resolve conflicts.

How can we have intimacy?

Relational security is knowing whether we feel safe when we are alone or whether we feel safe when we are with others. If we are able to self-regulate and be okay alone, we have the ability to be autonomous. If we have the ability to co-regulate and be good with others, we have the ability to be intimate. The personalities that have to do with emotional regulation are: avoidant and emotional dependent.

People who do not self-regulate well are afraid of being abandoned. Their fear is that they will stop loving them. These people are continually putting effort into relationships, forgetting about their own needs. They have a hard time saying no. He dependent-anxious profile You are at risk of falling into abusive relationships.

The avoidant profile On the contrary, he is afraid of intimacy, of being invaded, of losing his individuality. They need to set many more boundaries with others. There is a loss of contact with your emotions. They feel emotionally disconnected. In this profile, they feel that a lot is demanded of them in relationships. They feel guilty for not giving the same to others.

Those who have to do with relational security are the dominant personalities The dominant ones have the conviction that, if they really know them, they will abandon them. They have low value. They present a pattern of distrust in relationships. The others are going to end up betraying them. In order to have relationships, they establish them from control. It can be direct dominance: aggressiveness or indirect control: passive aggressive. Reverse dependency is caring excessively to make others dependent: castrating caregivers. Dominant people are the least suitable to form a couple. And you? Do you know how to regulate yourself and do you have relational security?