The ability to manage our emotions effectively is a fundamental component of psychological well-being Much has been said about emotional management, but what does it refer to on a practical level and how is it related to our past experiences?
Personal relationships, and especially the closest ones, are those that activate wounds or pending things from the past. A client told me that when her husband ignored her, she felt very hurt, just like when her father sent her to her room when she was little because he was too busy to play with her. Another client who had returned as an adult to live with her elderly parents to take care of them could not stand how her mother got involved in her things like when she was 15 years old.
Another client felt that his teenage son kept disrespecting him and when he demanded of him, the interactions between them ended in big fights. What do all these examples have in common? All of these people had pending issues from their childhood that prevented them from regulating their emotions. We have all had this experience at some point. You know that your reaction is not the best at that moment but you feel like you can’t help it And generally the patterns are already so deep that they emerge without us even realizing it.
The impact of childhood trauma on couple relationships
Childhood trauma has a profound impact on mental health and affects various aspects of life, including work, friendships and relationships. In the latter we would have examples like when I need emotional connection with my partner but I doubt him or her. When a child experiences abuse or emotional deprivation, it is common for them to develop an anxious, ambivalent or disorganized attachment style in adulthood
This manifests itself in the relationship in several ways, including an apparent emotional autonomy combined with a constant need for affection. They may have difficulty trusting and fear being hurt or abandoned. Another common characteristic of people who have experienced childhood trauma is that they often magnify everyday problems in their relationships. Small gestures from your partner can be interpreted as an act of rejection, causing you to feel overwhelmed by any challenge.
Also due to their difficulty managing emotions and communicating effectively, it is common for them to avoid conflict in the relationship. They choose silence instead of facing problems. Another characteristic of people who have felt a lack of love in childhood is that they often have low self-esteem and constantly doubt their partner’s love, which can sabotage the relationship Finally, past suffering can isolate the person and create a feeling of continued loneliness in the relationship.
Heal childhood scars
Realizing all these consequences of trauma may seem overwhelming at first, but this is precisely how the path of recovery begins. We start by knowing and becoming aware of our patterns and reactions and from there we can introduce conscious changes. When we feel that we have had a disproportionate reaction, we must identify the wound that is affecting us and recognize what is from the past and what belongs to the present.
One area in particular where the trauma of not having felt seen, heard and cared for on an emotional level as children manifests itself is in the management of frustration For example, when I, as an adult, decide to express something to a person and they reject it, there is a key moment there as long as I am more attentive to what is happening inside me than to the outside.
If I look inside myself I will see that I am beginning to feel frustrated, generally activated by one of my unresolved wounds from my childhood and that leads me to try to manage my pain by manipulating the other’s reaction through pressure, insisting “let’s see.” If he finds out” “If he just has to listen to me and pay attention to me” “I’m sure it won’t cost him anything”, etc… And what we don’t realize is that we have already become hooked and then the person in front of us reacts defensively. or attacking us and we already know how that ends.
But there is another option, at that key moment before getting frustrated I can try to recognize that I have already spoken my truth and that now the result is out of my hand. The other person’s reaction is their responsibility and I cannot control it, therefore I let go of the result and thus keep my calm and do not get frustrated. Of course, at the same time I can decide to distance myself or set limits, but internally I will be fine and I will have the mental clarity to act in the best way And who knows the same as the other by having space and not feeling attacked, he will be more willing to give me what he needs. When we stop pushing, people usually react positively. And by regulating ourselves emotionally we are also giving that example of emotional management to others.
In summary, childhood trauma leaves its mark through beliefs and behavioral patterns that persist over time and make it more difficult to find and maintain authentic and satisfying relationships. Recognizing and addressing unresolved trauma is an essential step to healing and improving your relationships. It can help you set healthy boundaries, communicate effectively, and make more mature decisions. Therapy is a very effective tool for working on trauma and emotional management
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PsychologyFor. (2024). How Do Childhood Traumas Make it Difficult for Us to Manage Emotionally in Our Relationships?. https://psychologyfor.com/how-do-childhood-traumas-make-it-difficult-for-us-to-manage-emotionally-in-our-relationships/