How Do I Leave My Partner?

Leaving someone is a hard and difficult step that we are sometimes forced to take and many times we doubt if we have done it right. Today I explain what is the best way to deal with it.

How do I leave my partner?

We start from the basis that leaving someone is a hard and difficult task When the person you have next to you treats you well, loves you and there have been no serious problems between you, this step is even more difficult, because you feel that you do not want to hurt him or her but you also do not want to continue in a relationship that you see that you do not. works.

There are many reasons that can lead you to make that decision, some may depend on the other person (for example, he has neglected attention to you, he has focused too much on the children and has forgotten about the relationship, he spends a lot of time with friends and little with you, etc) and others may depend exclusively on how you feel. Maybe you no longer feel love, the relationship has become too worn out or your interests have changed.

Depending on what is happening, you have to evaluate possible actions, since what is not fair to anyone is leaving and returning to your partner. That will hurt both of you and will further damage the relationship you have.

So first of all is assess whether or not you are clear about the decision If you think that the relationship can still be saved because there are things that if your partner changed you would be excited again, perhaps it is time to raise them (obviously not aspects of their personality, it is not about changing the person, but things that were different before and that a modification has occurred that you do not like). Do not postpone this conversation, explain how you feel, that you are at the limit but that you consider that if certain aspects were changed, something could still be done to maintain the relationship. Nuances and clarifies everything you need to change and let the other person express their requests and assess if what you ask of them they can try to fulfill. If your partner cannot make that effort, then it is time to consider the breakup and if you try but do not achieve improvement, you can try a couple therapy and if this doesn’t work, consider breaking up.

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Once you are clear that you want to break up,

What are the steps to follow to break up the relationship?

  1. Do it as soon as possible: Let them know as soon as you can. There are people who tend to “give signs” that things are not going well. These signs will only prolong the agony and worsen your relationship. A breakup that could be amicable can become clouded and colored if you start arguing, being cold and distant, or doing things that you know are going to hurt them so that they are disappointed.
  2. Do it yourself and don’t expect him/her to be the one to let you: Sometimes people stop caring about the relationship or even sabotage it so that the other person makes the decision. Be brave and if you don’t want to be in the relationship, face it instead of waiting for the other person to do it. You may be surprised by your partner’s level of endurance and the emotional exhaustion that both of you may have will not bring anything good.
  3. Do it in person: Don’t do what you wouldn’t want done to you. Wouldn’t you appreciate it if the person with whom you have shared your life would come forward and tell you what they think and feel to your face? Well, do the same. Meet with him/her and face the decision face to face.
  4. Find the right time and place: The perfect moment does not exist, but try to tell them in a private or solitary place, when you are not in a hurry and especially when the children are not around. Find the moment for the two of you where you can talk at length and can express your emotions without shame or fear.
  5. Be honest but do it tactfully and listen to the other person: Express what is happening to you, what has led you to make that decision and that it is a firm but hard decision for you. Avoid blaming them for everything and listen to the other person’s opinion or doubts they show you. Say what’s happening to you but don’t go into great detail either. The details matter when looking to resolve, but in this case the decision has been made, so a general explanation is better so that you don’t feel worse than you already should.
  6. Avoid generating an argument in that conversation: The objective is to communicate your decision, not to enter into a debate about who is to blame for the breakup or who was more wrong. If you see that things are heading towards an argument, let him know that you seem nervous and that perhaps he needs some time to process what is happening. Offer to resume the conversation when he/she has calmed down and ask him/her to tell you when he/she can talk.
  7. Make the farewell something friendly but not cause confusion: Maybe you want to maintain the friendship with your ex-partner and you can propose it, but you have to respect that the other person needs time to overcome the grief and consider whether or not they want a friendship with you (and you will have to respect their decision). . Also, remember that you are clear about the breakup but the other person may not be, so avoid saying goodbye with kisses or even sexual relations that can nullify everything you have told them verbally and create false illusions or generate a toxic relationship.
  8. Distance yourself for a while: Let him/her know that you are going to distance yourself from him/her to allow him/her to get back on track as soon as possible and for him/her to let you know when a reasonable amount of time has passed if he/she wants to continue having a friendship. Telephone or in-person contact can lead to confusion, so avoid those problems and call them if necessary. If you have property or children in common, it is important to process the separation and agreement between both of you as soon as possible. If you are clear about it, the sooner everything is done, the better.
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But above all, remember that the most important thing is to have a clear decision and if you don’t have it, try to use up all the cartridges first. Think about harming him as little as possible and act based on what you think the other person needs after all he has been and perhaps will continue to be someone very important in your life.

Encarni Muñoz Silva

Health psychologist, member number 16918