Sometimes we are aggressive without realizing it and many times we react when it is too late. How can we learn to manage aggression in our daily lives?
We have associated violence to physical aggression or disrespect, and sometimes a violent comment is simply a hurtful look, word or phrase aimed at hurting another person or simply, without thinking that what has been said or done can harm others .
Surely I have told you at some point about the communication patterns But today I am going to explain them to you in more detail, since they have a lot to do with whether or not to be aggressive. Thus, when we relate to others we can do so through three communication styles:
Inhibited pattern: It is that way of responding to others in which the person does not take into account their own rights and only takes into account that they do not want to hurt others. Consequently, the answer you will give will be hesitant and unfair to yourself. For example: you have a friend who you always have to call because he never bothers to do so and you feel like you are making more of an effort in the relationship. When you call him you say: “Hello, I’m calling you like I always have to do, but I’m happy to do it, eh? It doesn’t cost me anything and I assume you’re very busy.” At first the person has tried to defend his rights but has backed down and prioritized avoiding the conflict.
Aggressive pattern: In this pattern the person reacts in a way opposite to the previous one. He defends her rights without taking into account that he may hurt the other person. In the same example, the beginning of the conversation could be: “Hello, I’ll call you now because if I have to wait for you to do it, I’ll die of old age. I see that our friendship is worth shit to you.” Even if the tone and volume of voice are not aggressive, what is said is hurtful and without taking the other person into account.
Assertive pattern: It would be the intermediate point between the two extremes. It is about prioritizing one’s own rights and opinions but taking into account the rights and opinions of the other person. In the same example, the opening sentence would be something like this: “Hello, I’m calling you to talk about an important topic. Is it okay for you to talk now? I’d like to talk to you about the feeling I have that I’m always the one calling you to meet up.” “I would like to know what you think and if you agree with me, since I am worried about all this.”
Evidently The ideal communication pattern is assertive and we have to try to apply it whenever we can. It seems easy but try to do it for a whole day and you will see how it is more difficult than it seems. That’s because we generally tend to communicate at one of the extremes.
What can we do to avoid the aggressive pattern?
Think before speaking or acting: Aggressive people tend to be impulsive, that is, to say the first thing that comes to mind without thinking about how what is being said may affect others. Sometimes these people hide behind the typical phrase: “I’m like that, sincere, if you don’t like it, that’s what it is.” Surely you have heard that phrase many times. Well, it is the typical excuse of the aggressive person. If you identify with that phrase, think that sincerity and assertiveness do not have to be opposites. To be honest you don’t need to hurt others. You can say what you think in a more empathetic way and respecting others. So try to think about what that phrase you want to say sounds like (before you say it). If you think it sounds harsh or harsh, try finding another way to say it.
Work on your empathy: Before you say the first thing that comes to mind, think about how that person might feel when you talk to them like that. Thinking about how you would feel if they spoke to you like that may not be the solution, since sometimes we can think that it is not a big deal and that it would not feel bad to you if they spoke to you that way, but you have to think about how it will feel. that person, not you. Each one has a certain sensitivity, a certain self-esteem and certain values. And yours don’t have to be the same as the other person’s. Thus, comments that do not hurt you can affect other people. Think a little about the person in front of you and try to say things in a way that does not cause them unnecessary harm.
Think about what needs to be said and what not: Sometimes aggressive people say everything that bothers them, without first thinking about whether it’s worth it or not. For example, if you have a friend who is always late, at first you can tell her, you can even get angry with her if she repeats it often. But if you see that the same thing always happens, there comes a time when confrontation is not necessary. Therefore, it is not worth highlighting comments and perhaps it is better for you to accept that that person is like that, I either meet earlier and you go later or you go directly later to make sure you are not waiting.
Before provoking an argument, think about the phrase “how important is this?”: Sometimes we get angry over stupid things and it’s not worth being in an eternal conflict, learn to get frustrated. You may be a rigid person and do not accept others as they are. Before provoking an argument, think about whether it is worth doing it or if you just want to release anger. If it is the second option, it is better to learn to manage your anger by relativizing what happens instead of taking it out on others.
Learn to release anger: If things bother you, it is good not to keep quiet about them but you have to find the balance as I mentioned before. To release anger adaptively, it is important to carry out all the acts previously explained and if there is still anger, consider other ways to discharge it. Write what bothers you and then tear that writing into a thousand pieces, practice cardiovascular physical exercise, listen to music and dance, talk about what happens to you with another person and listen to their advice, etc.
Being an aggressive or assertive person is a choice at the end of the day and although it takes work to stop being aggressive, you can learn to manage anger If you can’t do it yourself, seek help from a psychology professional, we will help you control your anger.
