How to Be Friends with an Ex Without Suffering?

What are the keys to being able to have a friendship when you have previously been a couple? It’s not always possible. Today I explain to you the factors that make friendship possible.

Can we be friends with an ex? This seems like the million dollar question. There are opinions for all tastes, but I think the question should be: “Can you always be friends with an ex?” And here the answer is unequivocally NO. We cannot be friends with all our exes, but there are people who manage to have one of their ex-partners as friends.

When a romantic relationship ends, it rarely happens by mutual agreement. Normally it is one of the people in the couple who wants to leave the relationship while the other party continues thinking about continuing. That causes The breakup often generates conflict, anger and resentment Other times the breakup seems friendly and sometimes it can be, but when one of the members decides to start another relationship, the thunder can be unleashed because that is the ultimate confirmation that the relationship is over, that is, until that moment. The person maintained hope of recovering the relationship.

Therefore, not all relationships work well on the level of friendship when they have previously been a couple. To know what situation you are in, study your case well and Do not try to seek friendship until your feelings towards the other person stop being love Romantic.

How to be friends with an ex?

• Rate how the relationship was: If the relationship was based on mutual respect and you did not hurt each other too much or the breakup was simply because the flame went out, but there is still a lot of affection, perhaps you can try a friendship relationship. Now, if yours was a stormy relationship, one with you or without you, or there was great disrespect, you have to accept that a friendship relationship is not feasible.
• Let time and space pass: If you have just broken up with your partner and you already want to be friends with him/her, perhaps you should ask yourself what you feel and why you are in such a rush. It may be an attempt not to lose that person who is important to you or perhaps it is that you do not want to accept reality. Prepare the duel first and for this distance is necessary. If there is no longer love, still remember that the roles you had until recently were very different and you have to allow a little time and distance before considering a different relationship with that person as well as allowing the other person to grieve.

I would like to make a parenthesis and explain something important that many people are reluctant to understand: it is generally thought that the person left is the one who suffers and has to grieve and the person left is fresher than a rose. Well, I can assure you that it is not like that. I have had many patients in therapy who come after having broken up with their relationship because They find it difficult to overcome grief and are pigeonholed in guilt Many feel guilty for having lost the spark, for not being able to love the same way the other person does, for not being good enough for their ex-partner, for not being able to give what the other person needs, etc. That is why it is important not to take anything for granted, when you have loved and no longer have that person, you suffer. And although normality or happiness is shown in front of the gallery, this does not mean anything, many times the procession goes inside.

• If you feel physical attraction, stop yourself: Obviously you cannot have a friendship if what you are thinking is that you would take him/her to bed. If there is sexual attraction, it is likely that you will fall into temptation and thus it is very difficult to maintain a friendship relationship, since one of the two may confuse what they feel or what happened or that affection that you gave each other and conflicts appear.
• Be honest with him/her: A friendship cannot arise if there are misunderstandings or wounds from the past that are not healed. Sit down and talk to that person and put an end to the grudges and problems that appeared after the breakup or during the relationship. Appreciate what you had with affection and recognize your mistakes to be able to turn the page. Air out all the dirty laundry in that conversation and agree to never bring it up again. You have to close the chapter and continue writing the book, going back makes no sense.
• Assume that you will see him/her flirt or start relationships with other people: Before starting a friendship, you have to be sure that it will not affect you to see your ex meeting or having a relationship with someone other than you. If you think you can’t handle it, don’t try friendship. That means there are still ashes left. Keep working on the duel. If time passes and you still think that you won’t be able to stand it, you may have to accept that friendship will not be possible with this person.
• Accept the other person’s opinion: You may want to have your ex as a friend but perhaps your ex doesn’t want the same thing. In that case you will have to accept his decision and not force something that goes against the will or values ​​of the other person. He accepts that it’s over and moves on with your life.

Encarni Muñoz Silva

Health psychologist, member number 16918